Re-entering the "dating game"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Re-entering the "dating game"
4
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:03am
I haven't been with a man, nor dated for over three years. I felt it was more important to rebuild my relationship with my daughter since I regained custody three years ago. I went on a date last friday night, and felt freaked out. He came by last night, and tried to hold my hand, and I freaked out. I said I was nervous and such, and all he wanted to know was how he could help, and the only thing I could tell him was "time". Is it okay for me to feel this way? Am I being too skittish? I keep telling myself I have to validate how I feel by saying things to myself like, "All men want is sex" and "I'll never have a relationship after all this time". Am I crazy? Thanks.. any advice will be helpful. Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:02pm

Laura:

Welcome to the board. First, you are not crazy. I'm sure a lot of women on this board have felt the same way you have. I know I have. I think you did the right thing in taking care of yourself before you started to date. I did the same thing. My twins were almost 3 before I started dating, and yes, I was freaked out at first. Second, you are 100 percent right about just needing time. I had a situation over the weekend that freaked me out and I thought I was going crazy. I talked to my counselor about it last night, and she told me what I was feeling was 100 percent normal, and not to worry about it. I just had to write to you to assure you that you are not crazy. When I have a chance, I will post about why I thought I was going crazy.

Just relax, have fun, and take everything a day at a time. Don't judge people by past bad experiences. Treat each person as an individual. I used to think that all men just wanted sex, but I know that its not true. I've been dating a man since November, and we haven't had sex yet, so no, that isn't true of everyone, that's why I say, treat everyone like an individual.

Here's a story to make you laugh. I didn't date for almost 3 years after my twins were born. After a few months of dating the same guy, we were at my house, the kids were at their dads for the first time for the night. I was so nervous about being alone with this guy, thinking that it had been so long since I had been alone with a man that I wouldn't remember what to do, that I drank too much. So, when things started heating up, I was in the bathroom being sick, and I slept on the bathroom floor that night. So, see, everyone gets nervous. Just don't do what I did. And a real good guy will understand. He didn't even get upset about my being sick -- we dated for 2 years after that.

Good luck.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 2:17pm
Thank you, Donna, for your insight. I don't drink so I don't have to worry about that. My problem is that I USED to drink too much. I have been sober for six years, but almost EVERY "relationship" I had was surrounded by alcohol and drugs. Since my sobriety, I have had one relationship and this guy was really insecure about being hurt, but then cheated on me with another woman. So, imagine how I felt, first and only sober relationship, and I was dumped on....My other problem is that I think too much. Last night, I was thinking that because I wouldn't do "more" (although he didn't say he wanted to), when I was kissing this new guy, was the reason why he didn't call yesterday. Maybe that's my problem, between thinking too much and being skittish. Who knows...
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 1:35pm

Welcome to the board of over analyzing women! Donna and I can sing you a song about it! LOL. Take Donna's advice and don't be so hard on yourself. You will be fine. AND if the guy did want more, and doesn't call back or make an initiative to see or speak to you again,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 6:12pm

Hi,
I've been browsing this board for a while but never posted a msg.

Just wanted to say "just follow your guts".
Think as much as you want and take as much time as you need.
If he is the right one, he will be there for you while you get over with your fear.
Everyone has their own insecurity.

I'm also the one that thinks too much. I stopped seeing this guy while ago when he didn't call me for two days after a month of dating. He didn't call couple nights while I was seeing him (but never two nights in a row). But after I went out with him on Sunday, he didn't call for two days. Then he called (I didn't pick up) and left me a message he was wondering how I was doing since he didn't hear from ME for a while... very casually. So was he waiting for me to call? I didn't talked to him until he texted me on Thursday and told him that I'm not seeing him any more. (Of course there were other details but just a quick story about that phone thing.)

Maybe I was wrong not explaining why but how can you tell a guy you don't want to see him because he didn't call for two days? Doesn't that make you look needy and high-maintenance? Shouldn't that just happen naturally?

It may have been too extreme, but after a divorce and a breakup (bad enought it was a rebound relationship), I said to myself that I would not compromise.
Sure, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to meet someone else for a while too.

There are a lot of men that want more than just getting you to bed. And you will find him. (I want to believe that for myself too :)
Thinking too much is just being a woman.

Good luck with your dating!!
Gotta go back home to my babies.

Kay