Reality Check - Big Brother disconnect

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Reality Check - Big Brother disconnect
12
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 12:29am

I would like your feedback on how I communicated to my older brother and his responses. I was taken by surprise by his feeling of anger. Context: we don't really talk to each other (as noted in my email to him).

The start of this email chain was during Christmas 2007 was that he gave me the book "Water for Elephants" with the note saying, "If you want to know me then read this book" after I expressed my frustration to him how I really did not know him (he's 57 and I'll be 55 this year and I live in Oregon and he lives in Massachusetts and not really have seen each other except for about 5 times in the past couple of decades).

I feel in pain and raw from all of this (and other separate non-related communications with a woman).

Mark
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Sunday, April 6, 2008

Hi Mark,

I appreciate the trust you have in me. And I'm glad you see that we are so different in our styles of communicating and looking at the world. I hope that my emails to you have helped you understand who I am.

We are all human with human faults. It helps to recognize our own faults so we can compensate for them. I've had to settle my soul because of my anger and frustration from reading your email.
Claude has told me that it's OK to have impulses but not OK to act on them inappropriately. I feel that it is difficult to communicate well through email; that face-to-face communication over time is the best way. It is so easy to misunderstand someone else in an email. I believe the way to truly understand someone else is not through words alone but has to include body language and other nuances and to do this over multiple interactions. Given that, rightly or wrongly, I feel anger and defensiveness in your email at me, unjustly since I do give equal or more consideration to your emails than most others.

Love,

Big Brother of 2 yrs
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March 26, 2008

Big Brother of 2 yrs,
When I do not get a response from someone in over a month then it is hard for me to assume that I will get a response. Do you not answer or wait a month with Anne when you do not know how to phrase a response? Do you behave the same way with Marissa? With your work and business contacts? I ask for the same consideration.

I would appreciate at least "I got your email but would like some time to formulate a response and will get back to you when I can. Please be patient." Otherwise I feel my communications go into a Black Hole. I do not have a 250 year time frame. When I do not receive anything back after making the time and effort to share, to ask, to communicate with you then I feel that I am wasting my time.

I recognize we are different and we each have our own lives, styles of communicating and ways of looking at the world. Actually that is why I desire to know you better for I really don?t have much of a clue on how you are.

We are in the back end part of our lives where we are feeling our age. This period of time has been the anniversary of both Mom and Dad's deaths. I believe who our family is makes me who I am as a person and how important it is to me to have the family we have. I value each of us.

I tell people that even though you and Chester (our youngest brother) and I don?t really talk or share with each other, I know I can count on either of you if I ever need anything and that each of us have high integrity. That is the legacy of our parents, especially Dad.
I hate to have either of us at our death beds and to regret not making the effort of being more connected.

love,
Mark
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From: Big Brother of 2 yrs
Subject: Re: Water for Elephants
March 25, 2008

Hi Mark,
Sorry you gave up on me after a month. Sometimes it is very difficult to formulate a
response in coherent words that addresses your inquiry. It took a long time to think about how to respond and then more time to think about how to phrase it. Philosophical answers almost never can be conveyed in one shot, back and forth is generally required. Add in the busy times, sick times, emergencies, and other distractions and some time goes by.

I also generally have a long time frame and lots of patience. These are aspects about me that you should be aware. (Note that the founder of devised a 250-year business plan, broken up as 25 10-year business plans. Sometimes I think in such longtime frames that a few weeks or months seem insignificant. I believe that this long range thinking is an Asian thing, maybe Buddhist thing.)

?
Love,
Big Brother of 2 yrs.
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March 25, 2008

Thanks for responding Big Brother of 2 yrs. I gave up on you after a month of not hearing back.

I hope you are doing well.

Love,
Mark
===
March 22, 2008
From: Big Brother of 2 yrs
Subject: Re: Water for Elephants

Hi Mark,
Sorry about this belated response. It is hard to come up with words for something as ineffable
as your own being. So rather than doing that, I'm going to just convey a few small aspects.
I have always been a philosophical thinker and have always looked at the principles involved
rather than specifics. So I didn't relate to anyone specifically in the book, nor the specific fact that
the protagonists were animal lovers. Part of the reason I really liked the book was that it was very
well written and transported me back to the Depression years so I was able to put all the activities, actions, and characters into that perspective.

Jake was a good man by his actions, not just his words. He made mistakes and did things wrong
like any human, so he wasn't portrayed as some perfect super-hero. He did impulsive things but they had a goodness at their source even though they may not have turned out so well. He and Marlena took responsibility for the elephant and horses even though they had no money, no jobs, and no way to take care of the themselves, let alone the animals. That act was both very foolish and very much acting on principles. Without explicitly knowing it, Jake strove to do the right thing, not the most financially advantageous, not the most expeditious, and not the most practical. He didn't pound his chest and tell people to look how good he is, he just did it.

I don't know if I can describe how and why I related to this book so well beyond the above writing.
These kinds of things are really hard to put into words.
Love,
Big Brother of 2 yrs.
====
January 2, 2008

Hi ,

I wanted to let you know that I finished your gift. I wonder what you have identified with in that book? Was it loving the animals or wanting to be a vet? Was it feeling that you are in the last stages of your life in the nursing home? Was it the fantasy of working at a circus? Was it the romance between the unhappily married woman and the protagonist? Was it being the good friend of the broken down sick man and the midget?

I cannot even imagine how you are like anything that I have read in the book. The closest part was that you being an animal lover.

I would love for you to elaborate on why you think that book reveals who you are.

Love, Mark

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 2:49pm

Mark,


I agree with Moony that your brother is the one missing out!


You are one of those people that look for a connection with others, you spend the time nurturing your relationship and devote your energy to ensuring they see/ feel/ touch the love you send out.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 4:08pm

That is what I was wondering about - the history. It seems, then, that you have done all the work but he is disinterested. That is a shame - he is missing out on your stories and advice and all you have to offer.

I guess there is nothing you can do for now. Does he ever talk on the phone? Maybe just a quick chat once a month to see what is going on his life and tell him about yours. It must not help that he lives so far away.

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