Is this really going to work????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Is this really going to work????
5
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:01am
Hello Everyone I really need some honest opinions about my current situation.About 6 mths ago I met the most amazing man through the online dating service Lavalife.The moment I met him was the moment I decided that in my heart he was the one I wanted to be with.He has a 4yr old son and is stable in his life(work and home)I have a 3yr old daughter and I just came out of a 7yr relationship that was verbally and physically abusive.Needless to say this man of mine treats me like gold and has already told me he is in love with me and sees my daughter and I in his future.The thing is though his son and my daughter feed off one another and are holy terrors when they are together.I have tried to disipline my daughter continous times for not sharing and playing nicely but it seems like an uphill battle.And he will not step in but instead leave the room when he has had enough of her.It seems that at times his son can do no wrong and my daughter is a monster.She has been through alot in her short time here between her father and I and she senses the tension whenever I drop her off to visit him I don't know if her behaviour is a result of that or not.But she is starting to try my nerves as well.It has been the hardest thing to get this relationship on an even keel when you have kids involved.Not only that but we are currently living as boarders at a friends house and then back and forth to his place to spend nights there also so my daughter really has no schedule and is not in a stable enviroment.I know it has only been 6mths but I have been throwing hints at my man about us living together to give my daughter the stability she needs but it seems that he just doesn't get it.His ex and him have everything worked out when it comes to his son but me on the other hand is in disarray!

I have asked him recently if he sees me in his future and he replied as long as I wanted to be there yes.And also asked if he saw us living together soon and his reply was yes.I don't have the money to get my own place at the moment because I am still recovering from debt load.I don't know if I should wait for him to ask me to move into his home or just come right out and ask him.I don't want myself to sound desperate but at this point I feel that I am.I can't handle living and working with the friend I am staying with anymore.

My question is am I being too pushy?Because it is his home I would be moving into......And is there any easier solution when it comes to the kids?

I am so confused???????
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:01pm

He sounds like a great guy!

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:59pm
WHOA!! I see problems big time here and am going to tell you like I see it - I don't mean to insult but you have to hear it.

a) You need to stabilize after being in a 7 year abusive relationship BEFORE you will ever be ready to jump into another one. You are not stable. You have to get back on your feet and be living on your own before you EVEN THINK about being with someone else. Otherwise you are just vulnerable.

b) Your daughter needs you to be stable. She is not going to derive stability by you living with a man and child.

c) Your daugher is not a holy terror - she is crying for attention from mom. Her "uphill battle" is a blessing in disguise. And to make matters worse she has had to come off a crazy time with you and your ex. If you don't give her attention now and get this sorted out you are going to be very sorry later.

d) I don't believe in living with someone especially when kids are involved. And 6 months is just too short a time to make a decision about the rest of your life, after all you have been through. Do you really know his family and friends?

Please, for right now, focus on you and your daughter. Try to get some help in some way to recover from the horrible abuse and divorce you have been through and to do what it takes to become financially stable.

Stay on this board and keep us posted. And good luck to you!! I am afraid for you that you are going to wear the train conductor's hat - read "train wreck."

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:47pm

I totally agree with West.


You are not ready to move in with this guy for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 9:42am
I think you need to focus on your daughter and her needs...I think you want this guy to be part of the solution, but you've written that he steps out of the room...he doesn't sound like an interested guy to me, someone who's investing in your little girl. If you've only just come out of an abusive relationship, you BOTH need time to heal before you move in with someone. Do you know that young brains exposed to abuse have physically altered brains?? The continual stress takes its toll.

Certainly six months is too soon to move in especially when things are NOT going smoothly with all the parties involved.



I don't know if you've had time to mend or if you're rushing into someone's arms because you don't know how to be on your own. I would consult my pediatrician and child's teacher and find out what is the best course of action for her...describe to them what is happening exactly when she acts up and listen to what they suggest. Could it be that negative attention is better than no attention? She's three, only just verbal, but verbal enough to say hey, mom, I want your attention to myself and when we're here, the best way to get it is when you yell at me? I'm three and I'm not expert at sharing...I don't know this house and I don't have the social skills to play with this kid yet? And you discipline her for this? When she's three? I remember from the preschool (this age group) that there's a lot of playing side by side and some playing together, not all of it perfect. They're learning social behavior...I don't know about disciplining her for not having skills. All pregnant moms read tons of material while they're pregnant, but then MOST drop the ball once the baby is born...I think we could all benefit (moms and kids) from moms continuing to read parenting books for different stages our kids go through.

She's tense when you drop her off to visit her dad? Do you think he's stopped yelling because you've split? Do you think he hits her? What do you think her experience of her dad is like? Maybe the abuse has stopped for you, but what about for her?

I think this guy sounds promising, but is he interested in being your savior?...if I were him, I'd like to see some things happen before I could even begin to think about long term plans and moving in together...I would need to see you handle your debt, I would need to see you taking care of your daughter and her needs (not the feeding and bathing stuff, I'm talking about her mental health coming out of a stressful living situation), I would need to see you doing well under your own steam. Focus on you and on her getting on the right track on your own, for your own self, not just to win this guy over. But I bet it'll help.


Edited 9/10/2004 9:59 am ET ET by downbythebay

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:05pm
Have you stopped to really consider what has gone on for your daughter in the last year? She has been uprooted and tossed and juggled and then told to be happy and play nice. She's in emotional turmoil and needs stability from the one person who has always been with her- namely YOU. You need to sit down with her and really get into her brain and spend time JUST with her. Make yourself 100% available to her and make sure that you change the focus from the negative to the positive. You've probably gotten yourself into this circle of negative behaviour and negative results. You need to turn that around. Praise her when she's being good. Talk to her more, ask her about her day, sit down and play with her, ask her for cuddle time. The idea is for her to feel the bond physically and emotionally with you, so that she's not just acting up to get some response from you.

I know that you are really happy to be with this guy, but you will have to make sure that you and your daughter are stable before going into anything else. I'm sure he is aware of your situation, but I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that you need his support emotionally to help you change your daughter's behaviour. If he's just leaving the room when she gets to be too much now, what will happen if you two become MORE serious? He's only going to parent his son, and not care enough to help guide and teach your daughter. Ask him for help and suggestions rather than allowing him to just hide. There is a lot this little girl is going through, she will benefit from all the adults in her life being consistent and patient with her. Go to the library and find as many parenting books that you can and read through them. They will have tips to help you. Also look in the self help section for books about abuse.

I would also recommend you talk with a counselor, not just for her, but yourself as well. You both need time to heal and adjust to things.

I wish you luck.

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