Really Need Advice - Sorry Long

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Really Need Advice - Sorry Long
18
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 10:33am

Good morning - I am new to this board.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2009
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 10:53am

It sounds like your parents are still thinking and behaving like--well--parents.

Faith is not blind; it's visionary


Lee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 11:14am

thanks - I had a hard time with my "ego" to begin with moving back in with my parents to begin with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 11:26am

My opinion, based on the information you posted:


If you can afford to move out then do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 12:00pm
Welcome to the board. I am sure you will get a lot of useful and diverse responses to this one - this is a great group of ladies with lots of views on things!
I think your parents should not feel they have the power to DEMAND that you come home. They do however have the right to their opinions and it doesnt surprise me that with the generational gap we have with all of our parents they would see things the way you described.
Having said that, I have to agree with them somewhat about having the kids spend the night quite so early/maybe often. I am not sure anyone can KNOW someone in the time frame of 2 months and even though you say you have made a commitment to make things work and he has moved in part to be with you, I think it is very early to involve the kids. ( you will find a lot of differing opinions on this on this board!) I didnt think my son got anything out of meeting people that early even when I knew they might be someone special. He was getting everything he needed from me, his schooling, family and friends so until I was really sure someone was a forever figure, I didnt introduce him. Once I did, he knew it was serious and I had been divorced for 7 years by that point. Now we are engaged, living together, and just had our first child together so we are a blended family. I look back and I am so glad I didnt introduce him to anyone else before I met DF - but this was the right way for me and I realize that everyone is different.
You said you have been a single mom for 10 years. Can you clarify that? Were you separated for a long time? It said in your OP that you divorced in 2008 I think. I agree that at 35 you should be able to make your own decisions. It is hard to do that under your parents roof but it should still be possible! If their opinions get to be too much to deal with and you feel your relationship is disintegrating with them because of your disagreement on this, I would look to move out. It just isnt worth the money you save if it divides you from your family. But you said you had minimal input from them before so I dont know how close you are used to being with them or what you woudl like to have ideally in your relationship with them you or the kids? For me, I would want to preserve and nurture that parent/grandparent relationship and if moving out made that more likely I would look in that direction.
I feel for you. It must be very difficult to move back home to regroup and from what you wrote you were used to being on your own so having to check in and earn approval for anything must feel very awkward! That would test even the best of relationships I am sure...
Please stick around - we love new people on the board!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 12:21pm

My 1st impression was going to be to say that you should get your own apt. ASAP. Sometimes when kids move home, even though they are adults, the parents & kids get into their previous roles and the parents do not see the adult kids as adults and go about telling them what to do like they used to. I do think you give up some independence when you are dependent on your parents too--like are you expecting them to babysit for free when you work, are you paying rent? It's like you can't have it both ways--complain that your parents are running your life but then you are in some ways acting like a child because you are dependent financially on them. It's like when my DD gave me the "I'm 18 so now I can do what I want" speech--I said if you want to do whatever you want, then you get an apt. & pay for everything yourself, otherwise when you live in my house & I'm paying for your bills, then I do get a say.

I do think that when everyone is in a calm mood you should sit down w/ your parents & just get their ideas on your relationship. It's nice that you & your new BF are committed to try to make it work, however, you hardly know each other. This is someone you just really met (even if you were corresponding on the internet before) so either one of you might decide after you get to know each other better than it seemed nice but really didn't work out. I mean there are many people on this board, if you look at their stories, who dated for a year or 2, thought the relationship was going really great, then they broke up. Some of them had involved their kids & some didn't. My personal opinion is that I wouldn't involve kids w/ a new guy that early--I have been divorced twice. After the 1st divorce, my kids were pretty young so I did all dating when they were w/ their dad. The only guy they ever met was the one who became my 2nd DH--I felt they didn't need to meet every guy, most of whom I only went out w/ a few times. Now that my kids are 21 & 14, I would feel differently because I think they can understand the concept of "dating" and how not every date works out. I think it would be very disappointing to little kids to get attached to someone and then have him disappear too. And I am definitely against bringing them to sleep over his house. Call me old fashioned but I do think that most single moms do not do that--they get a babysitter when they want to date. OK, so maybe I am a little hypocritical on this one--I did start sleeping over my 2nd DH's house after we had been dating several months--his DD was about 10 when we met--but honestly, I felt funny about it. Like what kind of example is this setting for her? Now I could excuse it because we did get married. But right now I can't think of having any guy sleep over my house when my 14 yr old son, who I am trying to keep from having sex w/ his GF until he is much older, is home--I mean, how could I be telling him not to have sex if I am having a guy sleeping over in the next room? I know it's going to curtail my sex life, but those are the breaks for single parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2009
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 12:38pm

Welcome to the board!


Question: are your parents the ones looking after your children while you are out with your boyfriend? If so, then they have every right (IMO) to say when they will or will not do it, and for how long (if you did not specify prior to leaving that night and you are not paying them).


The sooner you move out, the better. You don't want it to get to the point where it effects the relationship the children have with them (how often they can visit). If money is tight, have you looked into

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 12:46pm

I HAVE lived with my parents as a single mother, so yes, I have been there and done that and it is a delicate balancing act.

First I will say this. Living with your parents is probably HUGELY beneficial to your children; it's giving them that added bit of security to know that no matter what you are doing, there is someone else there for them also.

I think your parents are right; two months into a relationship is way too soon to start involving the children. You've made a commitment to each other, but based on what? At 2 months, you've only met each other's representative; you are still putting your best foot forward; you don't know this man well enough to be making long term commitments - yet. You say he moved from Tennessee to CT to be with you - does he have a job? Is he self-sufficient? Please take your time with this relationship; slow and steady wins the race.

I'm confused though; you said you were divorced in 2008 and then say you've been a single mother for ten years? Is it because your ex was never home?

I understand what it's like to be lonely and living with your parents and wondering whether life will ever be different.. But please don't make any hasty commitments - try and make lemonade out of lemons. When I was living with my parents, I had a good job, developed a great social life, sang in a band; things I would never have been able to do without knowing that my parents were at home with my daughter.

And yes, I'm sorry, but you DO have to ask your parents permission; they are caring for YOUR children and that deserves a lot of appreciation and respect. What's the big deal with asking; hey Ma, can you watch the kids tonight I have a date? I don't think it's a question of 'how many nights you are allowed out'; but there should be a balance that works for all of you and acting like a defiant teenager (I shouldn't have to ask their permission) won't help. You do need to ask because you are living in their home and they are taking care of your children.

I lived with my parents for almost 7 years before my daughter and I moved to live with my boyfriend. It was the best of times and the worst of times; but it was the making of me and it gave my daughter a great start in life having so much love around her. Don't be so quick to write it off.. Sometimes you have to take the crunchy with the smooth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 1:19pm

Thank you everyone for responding to my post and sharing your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 2:44pm

So your parents never babysit for you? That's a shame; daycare is great, but it's hard to beat grandparents in terms of providing quality care. Would they be prepared to take more of an active role in taking care of your children?

Look, everyone's dynamics are different and it takes time for everybody to adjust to a new living situation, give it time.

My advice is do nothing for the moment. Try and tow the party line. If your boyfriend is serious about you, then he isn't going anywhere and you have plenty of time to develop your relationship with him.

In the meantime; try and make the best of this. Pay off your debts, use your time while you are living with your parents to prepare yourself for being on your own again. Parents just want what *they* think is best for their children. When you talk to your Dad, just try and remember, even if his opinions are antiquated, he just wants what is best for you.

It is too soon to be involving your children in this relationship; you are still in the infatuation stage where everything just feels great and you think it'll last forever. But you can't begin to know if it will until you've been together for a good year; and then you'll start to get some sort of idea. I introduced my daughter to my boyfriend about 8 months in - and I was still worried about it because I knew at 8 months I couldn't know for sure whether it would last. You don't want you kids to get attached to men who aren't going to stick around (and again, you can't know that until you have spent much more time together); because they start to get the idea that men leave and can't be counted on; and that's not what you want them to grow up believing.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 3:05pm

So I guess my next questions is...what now?

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