Really worried about my friend
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| Thu, 09-09-2004 - 6:49pm |
So far, I've known her since Mid March. Since then, she's had more sexual partners than I have in my whole life. I've had 5 in my whole life, she's been with 7 to my knowledge since I met her 6 months ago. It's not that I disapprove of her behavior. I mean if you like sex and don't mind not having emotional attachments, go for it. And she does use condoms. She insists. So I'm proud of her on that. But she does talk about finding Mr. Right. How can you find him if you continue to sleep around? Men can be pigs, but they don't marry women they don't respect. They use them and toss them aside. Honestly, how can you blame them for thinking that way? I'm not against sex on the first date if you both want it. I've been there, done that. It was great and I don't regret it. But I met the guy and spoke to him several times before the date and we had a nice date with dinner and dancing and lots of great conversation before the sexual part happened.
My friend has done some really foolish things lately. She met a co-worker of Shane's at a bar and went to a boat belonging to a friend of our's and gave him oral sex right away. Another night, she had sex with him. This guy is engaged and living with the woman and she knew it. Both were in the wrong and I'm quite upset with that. But it's their choice, not my business. I'm not friends with the fiancee. Barely met her once. But she told me today about something that happened Sunday night. She went out to a pool bar to see some friends and she met some guy there that wasn't even with her friends. She began grabbing his butt and then he ended up inviting him to her friend's house to party afterward. He in turn invited her to accompany him to his hotel room (he's in town for 3 weeks on business) and she went!!! I was shocked at this. She admits it was stupid because he could have killed her and hid the body but decided to go anyhow. They had sex, of course. I told her this was very stupid and that I hoped she wouldn't see him again while he's in town and that she'd think about how dangerous that was and not do it again. I've come to the conclusion that my friend is pretty much a whore (can I say that here?). I'm not judging her. It's her life and I will never desert her unless she hurts me intentionally, but I'm worried about her being so danged easy with men. Where's the line drawn?
Mel

Calling someone a whore is definitely a judgment call. And given her behavior, possibly the correct one, but a judgment call, nonetheless.
You say you won't desert her. Me? I would. I can't imagine what kind of friendship I would have with her, as she doesn't hold ANY of my values. And, honestly, I don't think I would trust her due to her foolish behavior, at all. And, honestly, again, I wouldn't want people associating her with ME. Expressions like "birds of a feather flock together" and "you are the company you keep" come to mind.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
I guess what I get out of the friendship is that she is fun to talk to and to hang out with. We like the same music, movies and she's a good person outside of sleeping around so much. If there was anything I'd change it would only be that part. Otherwise, she's just fine. We laugh and cut up about things, we aggravate Shane and shop together. The funny thing is that she doesn't dress provocatively. So to look at her, you'd never know how she is. She's even said that she's just a slut. Seems to be okay with that. I would stay out of it if she didn't tell me about her partners. It shouldn't even be my business. As long as she is not after Shane, which she isn't (but I still don't leave her alone with him) I'm fine with her. I just want her to make smarter choices. To understand that she's above that kind of behavior. She was sexually abused by a friend of her brother's when she was 12 and I think this was the beginning of this for her. So many people that had this happen have multiple partners through life. Look at porn stars. Read about some of them and a good bit have had sexual abuse in their lives. I just hope she figures it out and learns that this is not good for her or for her son when his friends begin to talk about his mom.
Mel
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Given all of that, Mel, I think I would have to tell her "I don't want to hear about your sexual escapades. You know I don't agree with your behavior. You know I don't think it's healthy for YOU - and it's certainly not healthy for your son. I want you to make wiser choices for yourself. And that's the last thing about this subject I'm going to say." And then I would enjoy her company. Go to the movies, go to the mall. If she brought it up, started talking about that, starting talking about how she wants to find a long term relationship, I would gently tell her "I'm not talking about this with you." and I would change the subject.
But I have to say, I honestly wouldn't want people associating me with her.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
What she does need is a good friend to help her stay on track and not put her down for her choices. If you are concerned about her, you have every right to let her know. As long as you are objective and don't tell her what she should do, just voice the concerns you have over what she IS doing. In the end she is the one who will want to change and will be the one to change. She will need the support and understanding from her friend, not the judgement. I would also add that once you tell her your concerns, that you would rather she didn't tell you about her sexcapades- that they make you feel uncomfortable. You can just say that to her and drop it, without having to voice your other concerns at all.
I really hope that she can somehow build up her self esteem so that she's strong enough to wait until she finds all that she wants in a guy and can start a real relationship with him, rather than giving in to sex all the time.
Alison
Her behavior warrants her to seek help in my opinion. She is really asking for trouble with diseases or meeting up with the wrong guy. Maybe you should suggest that she seeks help of some sort?
But I would phase her out.
You know Mel . . . I went home and talked about this with TT last night. He said a few things to me that I'm going to pass onto you.
He said "I bet you money his friends have given him crap about "are you sure your wife isn't out whorin' around with her?" And if they haven't given him crap - they are ALL talking about it behind his back. I would NOT want you hangin' out with a girl like that. Nothing good can come of it. She needs a licensed therapist, not a girlfriend."
I agree. I'd drop her like a hot potato. And I'd tell her exactly why.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Wow, very interesting insight. Come to think of it, J would probably feel the same way. It'd take him a while, because he gives me plenty of space. BUT, were I hanging out with her w/out him, I am certain it would come up.
Mel hon, hope you don't take offense to any of this, but I am joining the "it's unwise to be friends with her" camp.
Also, as for his friends. The one that she dated for years was a serious bf. She wasn't that way when they dated. They were monogomous. She loved him. He dumped her for a silly reason. Basically after that, she just went a bit wild. Shane hadn't really been in touch much with her after all of that. Just on a rare occasion that she might call and say hello. When he began working over here in Tyler again, he ran into her at the grocery store where she works and soon after that, I met her. He introduced us. But he didn't know how much she had changed with the whole sleeping around issue. But his friends are smart enough to know that I'd never hur him like that by going off and sleeping around just because she's a friend. They all know me well enough that I'm just not like that. Even the guy he works with that she was with knows that I'm a dedicated wife to Shane and that he can't just assume that because she's that way that I am too. Plus they all know that Shane is far more intelligent than to marry someone like this girl. I never gave him the impression that I could not be respected and I still stand by a more ho9norable way to live my life. I have a son that needs a mommy that's not laughed at all over town. Plus I have more pride than that.
I do appreciate the thought. I think that a lot of people do associate friends to be the same as each other. Fortunately, no one can see us that way, because I never go out with her at night alone and usually, the only time she sees me, especially lately has been here at the house and everyone knows Shane's not sleeping with her.
Mel
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