Red flag or am I overracting

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2007
Red flag or am I overracting
6
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 4:28pm

New here...been reading your posts for a while.....Any advice greatly apprecaited...



Have been dating BF for about a year and a half.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 4:46pm

Hmmm.. This is a tough one.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 4:47pm

Do you think that's what he meant? He could be definining it much different since the childrens father is in their lives 50/50. Maybe he doesn't want to overstep that boundary out of respect for the other parent. Shoe on the other foot, he may want a similiar arrangement for you to be with his kids, since they already have a mom.


I think I would need more clarification. That's a fine line.


My children are with me 24/7 and therefore, the situation is different. Any guy with me would be a parent figure regardless if I wanted it or not. My children would latch on that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 4:50pm

Welcome!

Well, this is a very good topic for you two to explore before marriage. Blended families have a higher failure rate and for obvious reasons. I think it is better to get into this with good discussion and eyes open.

The thing is that you will have all four under one roof - so you have to go through the differences of "your own children" versus "best friend's children" - If I was you I would seek counseling and find out what the best thing for both of you to do is for success. A counselor can set you up for success instead of headache. At the very least you should read and discuss some of the better step parenting and blended family books out there.

Your fiance is right - someone else's kids can never be loved the same as your own children - at least not at the beginning and I have read that you should not expect a step parent to love your children the way you do - they should respect you as the disciplinarian and support you - but should not discipline a child until they do love them. But on the other hand, to agree with your point - all of the kids should be loved and treated with the same respect and rules and also each one needs what each one needs as an individual - some are easy going and others are more high maintenance. You will need house rules and policies that are good for everyone. It might be helpful, too, to realize that this arrangement may be met with resistance and disdain by the kids - if they lose privileges, their own room, their school, their one on one time with you and their friends if you move.

Keep us posted - hope this helps. You might also visit the blended family or making a second marriage work board - not that we don't want to listen or help because we always do - but those boards have people living in that situation who can probably offer good advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 5:46pm

I haven't had enough experience with this myself but I view the blended families at both my kids Dad's houses--there is a drastic difference between the two!

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2008
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 6:25pm

If your man has a good relationship with your kids it will show.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 12:38am

I think this is one of those things you simply can't predict.


I thought I knew what parenthood would be like, then I became a mother and found out!