Reflecting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Reflecting
6
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 10:23pm

ya know i was going to title this "how many times my heart's been broken" this year, etc. But now i'm going to count my blessings. this feeling i have isn't new.. i've been hear many times in the last year.


Leo, Sean, TG, Hottie2... even Hottie 1, Alaska, and the Detective. But i can either look at the negative and say broken heart... or i can look at the positive and say courage... I chose courage. Each time i tried and failed, i keep trying again. I keep meeting new and different and interesting people. There will no doubt be many more to meet along the way. I am blessed.


Loonybunny


(Time to get back to counting hotties. ;-) )




Edited 10/13/2008 10:35 pm ET by loonybunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
In reply to: loonybunny
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 8:26am

LB,


Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: loonybunny
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 9:46am

Without sounding like a total hypocrit I am going to ask you to just take a step back and slow down a second.

First off, I wouldn't call what you have as a "broken heart". A broken heart is when you are in love with someone. What you had with a few of your past hotties, like Sean, was a FWB that you knew you should never let your heart get involved with.

What you feel is a loss, a bruise of the heart, but not a broken one. Be honest with yourself! A broken heart is what you felt when you were married to those jerks that hurt you and left you with your children.

I have been on this board for many years before you even knew me and believe me, I was going through men as if I had to go to the bathroom after drinking two gallons of fluid a day... A LOT. Every week or two, I had a new guy that I SWORE was the one. Then before you know it, I dumped him for one reason or another because of valid reasons, but moreso because I just wasn't into it anymore (the wrong man for me). What I was trying to do, was force myself to be with anyone that was hot or not, just so I wouldn't feel alone. I never slowed down. The second I dated one guy and thought he was it, two days/weeks later, it was over because of "my issues and blindness" about choosing men that weren't right for me. Just so I wouldn't feel alone. I would swear up and down my heart was broken. It wasn't broken, just bruised and banged up a lot because I didn't take the time to ever heal from my inital traumatic X's. They were the one's that truly broke my heart. The rest were only bruises.

I believe, like me, you are still reeling and hurt from your past broken relationships with your X's. I think you want to cover it up, by finding someone desperately to mend that feeling of loss and hurt. But as soon as you do, you panic, because deep inside, you know, they aren't the right one's.

You may continue to do this over and over again for several more months or maybe even several more years, until you begin to realize the self worth you have in yourself.

Because of my past, Ali and West have blasted me in the past to slow down and quit dating. If you remember, not too long ago, we had that discussion about me not dating again in a thread. They still remembered the "old" me: The woman that was desperately trying to find a band-aid by going from one man to the next. Never letting myself heal, never letting myself slow down and realize the further pain I was putting myself in and never letting me truly learn to love and respect myself.

This year, I have learned more about making time for myself. I did date, but when it didn't work out, I'd stop for about 3 months and then try it again. Everytime I dated one of these guys, I realized I was still making the wrong mistakes. Choosing men that had no children, that couldn't relate to my life and choosing men that didn't want to commit or were to selfish with their own lives to really care about mine. As I let each one go, I allowed my bruised heart to heal. In the process of letting it heal, I reflected and then tried it again. I made a few of the same mistakes, but each person I met, I looked for something more, something that turned out to be more my "gig" then just anyone. It allowed me to be very clear of what I want and need. When I didn't have the children for two months, I could have partied it up and dated a slew of men after my last break up. But I didn't. It's not what I wanted. I didn't want the "old pattern". I wanted to grow and learn.

No one can tell you when your ready, but you'll know when you get tired of the entire scene. Now, I am still not completely healed. I still have little monsters that creep up, but I have learned what relationship I need and want (that are only good for me), verses what relationship will just let me forget (and were bad and hurtful). Does that make sense?

I am glad that you aren't giving up! I think it's terrific that you know deep in your heart that the right one will come along at some time that will accept you, for you. However, to find that right person, you must learn to love yourself and to put the past on a shelf.

The hardest part is the judgement that you feel being a single mom with children. The hardest part is to deal with the judgement of having had two failed marriages and children that you have from that. It is soo hard and I totally get that! I kept thinking I wasnt going to find anyone that accepted me, because of that. However, I continued to fight with myself that one day, I am going to find someone that just won't care. To find that person though, (I will repeat) you MUST learn to love yourself and to accept what life has given you.

I felt that if I didn't hurry up and find that person in my life that I would be alone, old (like my mother) and with a hundred cats. If you keep having that sort of mentality, then you never will let Mr. Right in your life, because you'll always look for all the Mr. Wrongs that are available here and now.

Over a month ago, when I got online, I dated several men in a week, but didn't allow myself to settle, just to cover up the loneliness I felt. I could of continued to date the young artist or I could have dated one of the other men that was so into me, but I didn't just want someone into me, I wanted someone that I was into as well. Someone that fit my puzzle.

Meeting RF has been a whole new experience for me. Regardless if it works out or not, he accepts me, for me. Doesn't have an issue that I don't have a degree from University, although he does. Doesn't care if I had two failed relationships, resulting in two children. He doesn't care that I once had cancer and that it could come back again. He doesn't care that I don't make a lot of money or that I had a past. He is into "me", the person I am today. He likes who I am. He makes me feel I have nothing to feel ashamed of. In the contrary; He admires me, my strength, the way I raise my children, the way I keep it all together, the career I have created for myself. He accepts it all, including my short hair. He think I am great and look great no matter; he doesn't want to change me, he accepts me completely.

The point I am trying to make with RF, is that he may or may not be the one. Time will tell, but he is someone that accepts and admires me. He is the "type" of man that is the Mr. Right for me. Which means, his "type" of person, the one that only cares of who I am right here and now, is the one I want. Not the guy that says he can't deal with children, or doesn't think I'm educated enough or doesn't think I should keep my hair short or thinks I need a boob job. Those aren't the men I need.

Have faith in who you are and what you have accomplished. You feeling jittery, jealous and insecure, is because they somehow make you feel inadequate or because you allow yourself to feel inadequate. Again, I'm proud of you, because you never give up. I would never tell you to give up, but I encourage you to just quit focusing on the next hottie and start focusing on your true needs and wants. Start looking out more for yourself. Start reflecting on more things that don't have to do with partying and finding someone each time you go out. I'm not saying it's not ok to look or to crush. But learn to not jump at each chance of a man that isn't the right one for you. Take some time off. Doesn't have to be months or years, but take some time to be good to yourself and let your mind find some peace.

Just my thoughts. I care about you and want you to be happy. I know how hard it can be. It's been a 8 year struggle for me to finally "get it". But I think I finally did, because I feel my heart and mind finally at peace. Again, I still sometimes struggle, but when I do, I open up by talking about it. If I feel I'm hitting a brick wall or not getting back the encouragement or reassurance, I re-evaluate my thoughts and feelings. If I feel that it might just be me, I reflect as to why I feel that way. If I still feel it isn't me, but Mr. Wrong, then I walk away. And each time I have, my heart felt lighter, instead of heavier. Which to me, meant: He wasn't a bad guy, just not the right one for me.

So the next time you think: broken heart. Ask yourself: Is it really broken? Or just badly bruised? I think you'll realize, it's only the latter.

Big huggies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
In reply to: loonybunny
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 10:07am

Cat, that was very poignant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: loonybunny
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 10:23am
I gotta say, that was good to read.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
In reply to: loonybunny
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 12:26pm

That was a thoughtful, refelctive post Cat. Thanks for sharing how you have grown, and continue to learn. Wow!


Loony- One thing I know is that there are so many here who see your value and spirit an admire you for who you are. And it has nothing to do with who you are with. I do know and understand the lonely empty space feeling of being without a man's attention or companionship. But self healing (as you already know) is vital!


I've seen it in you, that fire and confidance and independance! Look at all you have accopmplished! Celebrate who you are, in the here and now! You don't need to reach for the next hot thing to make you happy or to heal you. Enjoy yourself and those wonderful kiddos now!


We love you Loony!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
In reply to: loonybunny
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 3:49pm

broken was a bit strong of a word... yes, i meant loss and disappointment. and i also meant to tell myself that MM isn't the be all, end all of men. And that the sense of loss i feel, i have felt before. Nothing new.


thank you for everything that you wrote... when i have chance later tonight, i'll reread it more slowly (i had to rush right now)... i'm starting to reflect. I think that's the good thing. Yes, i need to figure out why i freaked over MM. Part of it was because he ISN'T the young hottie that i'm used to... and something felt like it might be different. He was taking it slow, unlike the last one (TG who was TMTF)... I saw MM as a friend and didn't even know if i could see him romantically. Then we had a