Relationship ???
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| Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:55am |
I am in a great relationship that is fulfilling on every level. He is very happy with me as I am with him. We are pretty much problem free and avoid drama because neither of us likes that in a relationship. I am pretty level headed but I can get a little emotional at times (I call it "having a girl moment") which is why I am asking for your opinion on something:
background: we were work friends. I asked ex husband to move out because I wanted a divorce. Ex moves out and I start socializing. My bf and I hook up shortly after ex moves out. Technicially I am married and us being together is adultry. I didn't plan on a relationship. I thought we would be light and fun. I just fell for him and vice versa.
The question: he will occassionally make comments about my cheating on him. For example, last night we were watching tv and one of the characters kissed a man other than her husband. I commented that I was getting sick of this "whiny girl" and I hate it when shows make an intelligent woman turn into a crazy emotional nutcase and have her trash a relationship with a great guy. It makes woman look bad. Like if we experience some kind of trauma we immediately fall apart and do stupid things. He kids back and says "I don't have to worry about you cheating on me, do I?"
This bothers me and I have told him that before. When we decided to date exclusively I told him I was concerned about the impact on our relationship due to the circumstances surrounding how we started out. I didn't want it to be something he held against me. Last night isn't the first "joking comment" he has made.
What do you guys think? I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't completely trust me no matter how wonderful he is. Is this something that he can get over with time? I have always been honest with him so that's my thought. That with more time he will see that I do what I want, say what I mean and follow through. I don't hide things or sneak around.

Kerry,
I wouldn't worry too much about it.
I agree with Alison. It is not like you were still living with exh. While we would all want the perfect circumstance of neatness - like never married or already divorced - life doesn't always happen that way. You can reassure him and tell him that you want to be trusted - and then see what he does from there.
Chances are he is a little nervous because of how much he likes you - and your situation is unnerving for both of you. Just keep communication lines open and you should be okay.
I totally agree with these posts. I wouldn't stress about the dynamics of your relationship. Mostly because of the long divorce process in this country. If your husband had been a boy friend, it would have been over, no strings and never an issue. The timing is not necessarily anyone's fault.
I would certainly let him know that it concerns you very much that he sometimes feels this way and ask him if you are doing anything specific that might be contribute to his feelings that you are not aware of. I am not saying that you are, but maybe there is one simple little thing that might help him. I would hope he would be able to do the same if the shoe was on the other foot.
I hope that made sense, I feel like I am rambling...
--snow
Thanks ladies for the inspiration. I talked with him and he actually didn't even remember making the comment! :.) He said that he trusts me completely and if he really had an issue he would discuss it with me. He also knows the type of relationship I was in (from my stories) and understands that he is a different man. I told him that I would always be open and honest with him and expect the same in return. He agreed and proceeded to tell me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me in his life.
Overall it was a good conversation. It made me feel much better. I guess he wasn't really thinking about how our situation started when he made the comment because he said he never thinks about where we started from just that he is happy to be where he is at. He is not one to dwell on the past so the past doesn't necessarily motivate thoughts or comments. He promised that if I ever did anything to make him uncomfortable he would talk to me about it.
Thanks for your words of advice and encouragement.