Relationship Red Flags 4 first time date
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| Tue, 03-08-2005 - 8:24am |
Anyone care to add, if possible???
The following are possible warning signs in a relationship. They are not necessarily bad, but rather a signal to investigate further for underlying problems not previously recognized. Being alert for these signs will help prevent unwise, rose-colored glasses decisions. Love is important, of course, but it isn't enough to form the basis of a healthy relationship. A good relationship is good for you both, a useful partnership. Keep in mind that there may be perfectly good explanations or extenuating circumstances for any of those, so interpret them in context. If any of these apply to you, you might want to consider these as possible goals for personal growth and change.
Smells like liquor, drugs or tobacco
Is frequently melancholy or down
Has a white ring around finger
Does not let you call him/her at work
Does not let you see his/her home
Is wishy-washy and noncommittal
Lets you do all the talking
Lets you make all plans and decisions
Is self absorbed - talks only of self
Interrupts frequently
Gets attached (falls in love) quickly
Is flighty or bubble-headed
Acts lazy or irresponsible
Runs hot and cold, moody
Has been divorced (esp. more than once)
Exhibits very little emotion
Shows emotional extremes
Is uncomfortable with emotions
Critical of self and/or others
Is rude to others
Stingy, selfish or greedy
Does not want to help with simple chores
Dresses like a slob
Overly concerned with appearance
Poor personal hygiene
Low motivation - unclear goals
Blames others for problems
Complains frequently
Is sexist, bigoted or judgmental
Disregards rules, laws or etiquette
Does not like children
Acts like a child
Is disrespectful or abusive
Does not have reliable or visible income
Does not have reliable transportation
Is a bad, aggressive or reckless driver
Lives with parents (other than temporary)
Does not give or share readily
Overly shy or inexperienced
Many sexual partners and relationships
Is a sore loser
Doesn't follow through
Lies, cheats or manipulates
Secretive, suspicious, defensive
Jealous or possessive
Controlling or demanding
Insecure, guilt prone, lacks confidence
Family members show any of these signs

Hindsight is 20/20! I can see that my ex had many of these. There is one more thing I wish I had realized about him. He talked alot- which I thought was a good thing since I'm so introverted and get tired of talking. I assumed that we would be able to connect because he was talkative. What I didnt catch on to until after we were married was that he never, never talked about himself. It was always what he heard on the news, what he read, what's in sports, etc. He was actually completed disconnected from how he felt about anything- anything real in his life. Never any talk of desires, goals, or even things that made him happy, sad, etc. (Remember this was the guy who chose the computer over his family.) So if I were to add one thing to the list, I would say to pay attention to the content of the conversation.
Good topic Catherine.
Amy
"pay attention to the content of the conversation."
wohoooooooooooooooo AMY!! Good ONE!
You have just annhilated every man on the planet :-) LOL!! (just joking)
This is a very extensive list. The editor in me would want to organize it to categories, starting from what I deem most important (I also repeated some if I thought they fit into more than one category and added some):
Deal breakers have a *** - these should not be tolerated. The others should be evaluated and you should look at what you want and can tolerate - but they are red flags for sure.
***ADDICTIONS
Smells like liquor, drugs or tobacco
Is frequently melancholy or down
Wild mood swings
Strange sleep patterns
Addicted to porn, uses internet porn
***ABUSE
Is disrespectful or abusive to you or others
Jealous or possessive
Controlling or demanding
Shows emotional extremes
***UNAVAILABLE
Has a white ring around finger
Does not let you call him/her at work
Does not let you see his/her home
Is wishy-washy and noncommittal
Won't introduce you to anyone else in his life after a certain period of time
Goes for days without calling
***RISKY BEHAVIOR/SCARY HISTORY
Has history of cheating on wives or girlfriends
Gets attached (falls in love) quickly
Is flighty or bubble-headed
Acts lazy or irresponsible
Runs hot and cold, moody
Has been divorced (esp. more than once)
Many sexual partners and relationships
Lies, cheats or manipulates
Multiple children from multiple women
Doesn't take good care of his children or ex
***RAUCOUS/RUDE/OBNOXIOUS
Blames others for problems
Complains frequently
Is sexist, bigoted or judgmental
Disregards rules, laws or etiquette
Is a bad, aggressive or reckless driver
***BAD FOR SINGLE MOMS OR THOSE WHO WANT CHILDREN
Does not like children
Acts like a child
Doesn't take good care of his children or ex
Treats children mean or with disrespect
Believes in corporal punishment
Parents abused him
Abuses his kids in any way
Thinks your kids are spoiled
***FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE
Does not have reliable or visible income
Does not have reliable transportation
Lives with parents (other than temporary)
In too much debt or history of bankruptcy
Ridiculous spending
EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE
Travels often for work or is workaholic
Doesn't have a lot of time
Is frequently melancholy or down
Lets you do all the talking
Lets you make all plans and decisions
Is self absorbed - talks only of self
Interrupts frequently
Exhibits very little emotion
Shows emotional extremes
Is uncomfortable with emotions
Critical of self and/or others
Is rude to others
Stingy, selfish or greedy
Does not give or share readily
Overly shy or inexperienced
Secretive, suspicious, defensive
Insecure, guilt prone, lacks confidence
Family members show any of these signs
LAZY
Does not want to help with simple chores
Dresses like a slob
Overly concerned with appearance
Poor personal hygiene
Low motivation - unclear goals
Is a sore loser
Doesn't follow through
I would say that all single women should use this list as a check list and not have sex with a man until they are sure about them. This becomes more imperative when you have children in my opinion. Sex clouds your judgement. And there is the other problem of consequences with disease or unwanted pregnancy.
Just my two cents. From the school of hard knocks!!
I am glad you liked it - I thought it had so many good points that I had to help with it!!
That is great that a psychologist wrote it - now we know we have great info!! And even better still if he is a male!!
No slack, no mercy, no regrets!!
This is hilarious, Catherine!! Somehow I think you would burst out laughing in the middle of that interview!! But seriously, I love to hear your stories. This is so much fun!!
I can think of a few guys that I nixed because of serious problems that I saw on just the first date that were mentioned there on your list.
Like the guy that drank a whole bottle of wine.
Or the one who was really rude to the waitress and stared at me and made me want to leave after just 10 minutes. (I usually never mind enjoying a nice dinner out, even if there is no chemistry - but this one I could not stand to be around!!)
Or the one who showed up a half hour late and then talked the whole time about his bipolar ex wife and how they can only communicate by email and then went on to talk about his xgf. Like that was real fun for me - NOT!
Or the idiot with the gross sloppy kiss who made me want to puke.
Or the one who hated his job and didn't think he wants to stay here. He was the one who was also 30 minutes late on my birthday.
No wonder I gave up online dating!!
Darlin! I have date stories! I have so many whopper date stories I would make you cry with laughter! I just still can't figure out WHICH one was the worst!
The foot fetisch guy, who couldn't get enough of my feet. He would stare at my shoes while we were eating out or anywhere.
The one that was a wrong photo and 200lbs overweight and disgusting,
The one that started planning our wedding (seriously) on our first date within the half hour. He took forever to get rid of.
The one I had to smack with my purse continously to get into my car and to keep from getting raped. The situation wasn't funny, but when I think of it now, in my little pink costume hitting this man with my little pink purse, it was.
The one that picked me up and asked me where we could park the car so we could have sex.
yup, yup, yup... That is just a FEW that spring into mind! LOL
"The one that started planning our wedding (seriously) on our first date within the half hour. He took forever to get rid of."
LOL!!!!!! I dated him!!!!!!
It was my one and only "internet" date. And I met him on a local chat board - not through a dating service. I used to go to local chat boards to talk about the local music scene with other music lovers. Met KC. He and I had alot of the same taste in music, and thought it would be great fun to get together for dinner and then go check out a local band. I had JUST separated - JUST. I made it very clear "this won't be a date - this is two people who have a common interest going out to listen to some music." He agreed.
So we meet at the restaurant - and I'm in my very normal, very casual - gonna be standing in a bar listening to music get up - jeans, a white v-neck 3/4 sleeve fitted tshirt, my comfy black square toe, square heeled boots. My hair was really long, stick straight and all one length at that time. I wore mascara and cherry chapstick. I wasn't dressing to impress. At all. So he walks up to me and says that I never told him how beautiful I was. I thanked him. Whatever. We go to eat dinner - and he knew a little about me from checking my profile - knew I was a single mom, recently separated, blah, blah, blah. So he starts asking a zillion questions about Jojo. I told him no offense, but I wasn't interested in talking about Jojo. Then he starts asking about my ex. How involved was he with Jojo, was the divorce amicable, blah, blah, blah. Then he said to me "I could see myself marrying you. Could we get your ex totally out of the picture and I could adopt your son and raise him as my own?" WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I looked at him and said "I know you are kidding me - so I'm not even going to respond to that silliness." He immediately looked hurt and said "I'm not kidding you - I could love you. I want a child. It would be perfect." I was flabberghasted. Since we were at one of my favorite restaurants (Cheesecake Factory! YUMMY!) and my food had just got there and I was starved - I decided I would eat - pay for my meal (no way in hades was I letting him pay) and then tell him that I was going to cut the evening short as I wasn't comfortable with him. All through dinner he's asking about how soon can I see myself getting remarried, do I want more kids, blah, blah, blah. I'm constantly asking him about music, talking about music, totally ignoring everything he's saying to me. The bill comes. He grabs it. He insists on paying. I tell him I don't want him to pay - this was never a date - still isn't a date - and that whatever it is - it's now officially over - I'm not interested in going anywhere with him. He gets all upset and starts shouting at me "what's WRONG WITH YOU? I'm just being nice to you! Do you need me to be a "penis" (didn't say penis!) to you? Can't you handle a guy being nice? Are you one of those women that has to be treated like crap (didn't say crap)? LET ME PAY!" I threw money on the table and walked out of the restaurant. I was very thankful we were at a restaurant in the Forum Shops in the Caesar's Palace - and that I didn't have to walk into a parking lot where he would follow me. I ducked into one of the stores and told the clerk (totally seriously) that a guy was following me and could I hang out in her dressing room for a minute. Yep, I did. Three minutes later I hear him ask the girl if she's seen me. I heard her say "sorry, no." I hung out in there for a few more minutes. Came out - and she told me that she had called security and requested that they come escort me to my truck. Was SO GLAD.
I had turned my cell phone off during dinner - and turned it back on and had 6 messages from him - telling me that he was sorry about the scene - that he really liked me, that he hadn't felt a connection with anyone like that before and he came on kind of strong, but that he REALLY COULD imagine spending the rest of his life with me. WHAT?!?!?!?! The security guard was walking me out and my phone was just ringing, ringing, ringing. I didn't go home (not that he knew my last name, where I lived - just had my cell phone number and my email) - went out with some girlfriends and laughed about him.
Do you know he called me and emailed me CONSTANTLY for almost 3 full months??????? WEIRDO!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/