replacements?

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Registered: 09-21-2006
replacements?
19
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 5:43pm

Zensational brought up something in another discussion that merits it's own thread. If your X has a GF, "Doesn't it feel just like you were easy to replace?"

Oooh, I was just on this subject since the OW is still in my X's life and he brought her to our son's concert Sun- a first. ik haven't seen her in at least 6 months, and she has her hair, clothes, phony boobs ( or a boob job), and glasses to look as much like me as possible- CREEPY.
And I know that M's X has part of this in her mind in her rather extreme reaction to me being in M's life- although I'm barely in their daughter's lives.

More on this later as I am swamped with stuff now, but I wanted to set up a separate thread rather than highjack the other one.

QB

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: queenbun
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 8:38pm

Wow QB - that is sure creepy - and this is a great thread. So glad you started it. Can't wait to read what you have to say for more.

My exh has not dated all that much - and so far I have not felt replaced at all. I think because our circumstances were different. I really hope he finds someone who can bring out the best in him and make him happy (as I did not).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 11:42pm

OK, I know many of us have some insecurity when it comes to the X having a GF. Actually if mine would dump OW and get a 20 yr old bombshell I’d celebrate.

There’s always the injustice that the GF can be all fun when with the kids and Mom has to be the police and provide structure and discipline. Plus the nagging idea that there is something lacking in us because X likes the new model so much more (of course, rationally, we know the guy just was wrong for us but still....).

On to my wacky situation....
One of the tactics manipulative OW used when she was throwing herself at my then husband was that she let her hair grow out and began wearing it like mine. She started to wear tailored more simple clothing like I did for work (we all worked together), but hers was a bit sleazy. X just ate it up. He started buying ME stuff for gifts that I’m sure she picked out. She actively tried to be my replacement by taking on my jobs at the office and she failed miserably because she simply doesn’t have the same skills that I have.

So on Sun they show up at the restaurant where S16’s jazz program is playing a concert. S16 can’t stand OW and X knows it but this restaurant is near OW’s house. For once S18 went to the concert as well, and he can barely contain his rage over the fact their father is still with this slut, can’t believe his father can’t see her for what she is (she made passes at S18 at work when he was 14!). So we’re eating dinner and OW is outside the window waving frantically at D3, who reacts and gets me to look where she is looking. Stupid OW still waves frantically, ignoring my icy glare. X just keeps on walking. D3 is now totally distracted wanting to go see “The Lady” (her name for OW) . So I play dumb and say “What lady?” “You know Mommy, the lady with the long black hair in a pony tail and glasses.” I look at D3 and say “Hey, that sounds like ME!” She starts to laugh as she realizes it is a perfect description of me. S18 is shaking his head, then says, “Please tell me they’re gone. Doesn’t Dad think about how much this will stress out S16?” Thankfully, X must have got OW to move on because she was gone when I looked again. What bugs me is that X refuses to accept that our sons (and his mother and sister) can’t stand this woman. He doesn’t care that S16 would be upset to have OW at his concert, doubly so with me there. Although they didn’t leave, they stayed away from us and S16 did not know OW was there.

X actually said when I was contemplating divorce that he could easily replace me. One reason that I think he still can’t move on is that he knows he can’t replace me, at least not with OW. He has to admit to himself that he needed me way more than I needed him. So I guess his only way to really hurt me is to flaunt that he has fostered a relationship between OW and D3. I would not trust her with my dog, much less my daughter. I don’t worry that my daughter will care for OW more than me, I just don’t want my daughter to think OW’s values are acceptable. Our sons won’t accept OW and neither will his family. The thing that really bugs me is when OW actually represents herself as me. Eventually she’ll cross a line that will have me having her arrested for identity theft.

The really ironic thing is that M’s X acts like I’m some kind of OW even though we didn’t meet til a year after our divorces were over. She goes on these rants where she accuses him of having sex with me while their kids are home, like we’re in the living room having an orgy or something. The one time we were in the same building as her kids (the condo in Mexico) we were in separate bedrooms and my kids were in my room. I would never try to play Mom to his daughters, they have a mom. Yet this woman who has never met me is constantly accusing me of crazy lewd behavior. The latest was she accused M of having an affair with me while they were still married. Uh... I was pregnant at the time period she has in mind, never mind we didn’t meet til summer 2006 when my daughter was 2. The worst part is she tells their daughters this junk, tells them their father is bad for having a girlfriend, that he spends all his money on me so she has to live in poverty. (she’s not in poverty, refuses to get a decent job, refuses to cut her spending- $50 haircuts for the girls!-and I pay for my own travel and equal amounts for our dinners together) I try to be empathetic but its hard when I know what a real Golddigger is like.

Anyway, if you're still reading this long rant..... I guess I can be flattered that the OW is trying to be me because she thinks that will attract X to her more, it's disconcerting if her reason is to confuse my daughter.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 4:18am

The copycat thing is definitely creepy. Doesn't seem logical really - if I was with someone who had an exW, I would want to be as different as possible from the ex.


"There’s always the injustice that the GF can be all fun when with the kids and Mom has to be the police and provide structure and discipline. "


This is one of my pet peeves. My ex doesn't have a gf (I hope that he will meet someone, I really do), but what irks me is that the kiddos are always "on holiday" when they are with their dad. It's either weekends or holidays, and there is none of the daily routine and discipline which we have to have for school, homework, activities etc. I can't help feeling a pang of something (I don't know what exactly) when the little ones sing their dad's praises, especially as a lot of the time they are supposedly with him, they are actually with his parents, as he is always at work. Makes me feel like Monkey and I are the bad guys. We do know that, in the future, they will recogise that we have to be army-like and strict for their sakes, and I do think that they are starting to appreciate it, especially DS9.


I am sorry that your DS16 has a hard time with the OW; even though it may still sting that your ex is still with her, what would you feel if your sons did get along well with her?


Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 10:21am

That IS creepy. Sounds like a Lifetime movie! At least you get the fun of watching her in the process. She must have looked like a total idiot waving around trying to get attention! What a maroon!

You gotta wonder about people sometimes

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 1:22pm

I did not at all feel replaced by OW. My ex had been stringing her along and didn't leave our home until I had finally had enough and asked

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 1:30pm
I agree that her representing herself as you is a problem - and creepy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 2:15pm

Oh, that is a bit creepy the way she is trying to be so similar to you. Maybe he is asking her to do that? Or do you think she is trying that on her own (to try to get his attentions)?? Either way- it's just weird.


I'm sorry you're having to deal with all that! But I kind of think, that if OW is nice to DD, then it's probably best to just let all that slide. If she IS just a fake front, then eventually DD will see that as well, and might decide she doesn't like her either, the same way your sons have. You never know. But if she is at least being nice and not abusive to DD... there isn't much you can do or say.


I'm glad I don't have to deal with this "replacement" kind of thing with my ex! He was seeing a coworker when we were still married, but she was totally different from me. We were in NO way alike. Thankfully she is gone and out of the picture, because it would eat me up if my sons were around her as they went to visit the ex.


The ex's NW is also nothing like me. And I'm glad of that. Not because I don't want him to be with someone similar to me- but because I know how they are much better suited for each other. He and I were NO match!!! But the NW is more like him, and they do match. I'm happy for them! And the biggest part is that NW is nice to the boys- and that is what really counts.


I do know what you mean by having to be the Cop Mom and the others being nothing but fun. I get that with my EX being "playtime Dad" and when they visit, it's always fun, fun, fun and play, play, play. Because they are never IN SCHOOL when they are with him, and when they are with me, they have to live with the bedtimes and homework and all the things that surround being good students. Sometimes it's not all playtime. I have to maintain regularity and schedules and guidelines. He just plays and plays and stays up late and they sleep in and all that. It's not fair, but that's just how it is, when they are with ME most of the time. And they are with me for REAL life, not just visit-time.

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 2:23pm

Queenie, I'm not sure all the women here are being honest.


Tell me one woman here who would really be comfortable with their ex sleeping with GF in the same bed (probably former marital bed) in the same house with the kids around and aware. And them waking up together with the kids. Because its a short run from that to movin' in to "jenny has two mommies, one old one and one new one."


In just about every conversation on this topic with lady friends of mine, the universal feeling was just that, "Was

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 2:34pm

I guess there are sort of 2 issues going on here then... at least there are, the way I see it.


One is that the replacement is someone that is VERY similar to who you are. That is the one that I addressed to QB, and I'm thankful that the ex's NW is NOT like me, because that would only mean trouble for them. Because I know how mismatched the 2 of us were.


Now, as far as the other issue goes- about being replaced so quickly... THAT one does irk me! No matter who she is or what she looked like! My ex DID do that one, too. Was replacing me even while we were married. And then after we were divorced, he quickly went into dating other women and having them around the boys every time they visited. Even brought the 'flavor of the month' with him up here (we live 8 hrs apart) when he visited the boys, and had her there in the hotel with them. But would never tell me that he brought a woman with him... but I'd hear about it from the KIDS (as if he thought they'd never say anything?!?), or I'd find some really really long hairs on the kids' things that I know wasn't my hair, the ex's hair, or the kids' hair. There was no hiding anything but THIS mom... but he tried to anyway.


I didnt' agree with his pattern of bringing different women with him for what should be KID visits of just them... but at the same time- I couldn't dictate what stupid things he was going to do. And while the women were not necessarily bad for the boys, I just let it go.


Thankfully he is married now, and so the boys aren't learning about the whole revolving-girlfriend thing from their dad anymore, and I hope that was long-ago enough that they won't have any aftereffects of it once they are older. They were pretty young at the time, and maybe they didn't notice *too* much.


But anyway- there isn't much you can do or say to someone who is looking to replace you quickly, either. They live their own lives whether you agree with them or not. But I know most people WOULD be bothered by it- just because it usually leads to another failed relationship anyway.


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 3:30pm

"Tell me one woman here who would really be comfortable with their ex sleeping with GF in the same bed (probably former marital bed) in the same house with the kids around and aware. And them waking up together with the kids. Because its a short run from that to movin' in to "jenny has two mommies, one old one and one new one.""


I agree that I wouldn't be comfortable with that scenario - but I guess I'm lucky that I didn't have to live that one.

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