replacements?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
replacements?
19
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 5:43pm

Zensational brought up something in another discussion that merits it's own thread. If your X has a GF, "Doesn't it feel just like you were easy to replace?"

Oooh, I was just on this subject since the OW is still in my X's life and he brought her to our son's concert Sun- a first. ik haven't seen her in at least 6 months, and she has her hair, clothes, phony boobs ( or a boob job), and glasses to look as much like me as possible- CREEPY.
And I know that M's X has part of this in her mind in her rather extreme reaction to me being in M's life- although I'm barely in their daughter's lives.

More on this later as I am swamped with stuff now, but I wanted to set up a separate thread rather than highjack the other one.

QB

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 8:06pm

I guess I should clarify that although OW and I share basic coloring and we’re the same age, we are actually not alike at all. Physically we’re kind of opposites: I’m avg ht., short waisted, long limbed, fine boned narrow build, busty with no butt. OW is barely 5’-1, long waisted, short limbed, pear shaped with an A cup and a huge butt. I don’t wear make-up, am very low maintenance low drama. OW creates chaos wherever she is and slathers on the make-up with a trowel. She can’t figure out a W-4 and I did corporate tax forms without the benefit of an accounting degree. I guess I was more insulted that he’d cheat on me with her than jealous. But what bugs me is that she actually presents herself to others as my daughter’s mother. People don’t look past the coloring.

This is a person who went after my X even though she was technically my employee. She didn’t care if she hurt my kids, she didn’t care that she was putting another woman through what her X’s put her through (she’s been married 3x). SHE made sure I knew what was going on between them because she knew my X would never divorce me for her. As far as I’m concerned my X deserves her. But my kids don’t deserve to be subjected to this incredibly selfish, manipulative, morally bankrupt person. So yes, even if they liked her I would have a problem with it. If my X moved on to another new woman, I’d give that woman benefit of the doubt and try to foster a reasonable relationship between my kids and her if it looked like X was serious about her. It would be in my kids best interest, although I would not wish my X on some decent woman. And believe it or not, I don’t say much to my kids about OW, they complain to me about her, but I don’t bring her up.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 8:08pm

This is more the issue for M’s X. She flat out has told him she is upset that he is with me in what had been their bed. M, bless him, doesn’t get it, but I do and have made it clear, if we ever get to the co-habit stage, it will NOT be in either of our marital homes. M actually is sensitive to down play the fact I exist around his X. And we are walking on eggshells around his D12. I see it as a good thing that he is considerate of their feelings. There will come a time when they will have to face the reality I exist and am not going away. But no one will ever see me at their daughters’ soccer games waving frantically at the girls! I am totally the opposite from his X, she’s blonde, totally different build, and although we have similar artistic careers I am way more ambitious and financially responsible. Maybe I’m just the rebound.

But I have to guess, Zen, you actually don’t have kids. Kids don’t think Daddy’s GF is a new mom, well maybe if they’re very young they might get confused, but usually the bond with Mom is just too tight. If X moved on to a new GF who didn’t have the connection to the destruction of their family, my kids would accept that Mom and Dad don’t belong together and new people are just Mom’s friend or Dad’s friend, but not as a “new” Dad or Mom.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 9:31pm
Hi, I am not experinced in this topic. But I know that my SO literally hates his own dad who left his mom with 4 kids for some
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 9:55pm
Glad you posted that tidbit. My S18 is at the point where he has trouble even referring to his dad as Dad. He has seriously considered changing to using his middle name as his identity since he shares a first name with his dad. I'm glad to hear that a guy can grow up and not be totally messed up when his father turns out to be a dork and the kid can't stand him. S18 has no interest in a father figure though. He does notice that M treats me much better than his dad did and that M is a more appropriate model of male behavior. S18 also always had coaches and male teacher's he confided in so I guess he has always met his need for a father's advice on his own. His actual dad just wasn't around much and when he was he was critical and controlling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 11:29pm

My So also tries not be anywhere close in behaviour to his real dad. He says his dad was perhaps a womaniser and that is one reason my guy was not into flirting or casual relationships, even he grew up to be bit reserved around women, but he has agreat heart. He didnt even sleep with a girl who threw herself on him on her 18th B'day just coz he didnt want to block her life or he felt that is not "right". So bad dads can be helpful in showing kids what is "not a good model". Interestingly my SO will meet his real dad this week (after 7 yrs) coz he is on a buisniess trip now to a place where his dad lives. They will just share a dinner. I told him to just forgive his dad for what he did to his mom and that perhaps he

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: queenbun
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 8:40am
She (OW) just sounds like the most unbelievable bimbo and piece of work on the planet. I cannot believe that she was so rude as to go after him when you were all working together. Your description of her makes her sound very cheap. I guess your x got what he deserved. But I am sorry for your kids that they had to get stuck in the middle. It is great that you have had so much respect for M's kids. I think that in time they will grow to like you very much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: queenbun
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 1:55pm

You are indeed right that it is that way sometimes. I would be sooo excited if my ex met someone. That would mean he would leave me alone. I do have friends that are so concerned with whether or not their ex is dating (mom or not) and whom and for how long. Whatever. Some really do care. I simply don't

I think some of it has to do with who left whom. I told my ex to get out. It was not his choice. He would have been happy to continue in the crap and didn't really care how miserable I was. He wasn't going to put forth any effort and I wasn't doing it all and letting him reap the benefits of it anymore.

So I think it is different for everyone.

Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
In reply to: queenbun
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 2:04pm

Yes, I am childless. But I understand more then you might think.


I don't think that children lose their bonds, ever. I'm the child of divorce myself, and I know that I never really stopped loving or caring for my parents. But there were times when it might have looked that way. ADULTS BECOME AFRAID (whether founded or not) THAT THE CHILDREN WILL LIKE NEW MOMMY/DADDY

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 5:43pm
We have a "rule" here on the SMAD board that one should wait a full year after the ink is dry on the divorce papers before starting any new relationships. It gives everyone involved some time to heal. But still, not everyone is secure in their relationship with their children to not be bothered by the X's new SO. Being on both sides of the issue with my X's GF actively trying to replace me, (not just with X but also with our kids and X's family- she's failing) and my BF's X freaking out because he has a GF (me) I guess gives me an odd perspective.
My BF M's X really has nothing to worry about because I am not trying to replace her, certainly not with her kids. We both waited a year after our divorces were over before attempting to move on and M and I both spent time in counseling during our divorces to be able to move forward as individuals once it was all over. We were the ones who were cheated on. I think your friends may find it to be true most of the time, the new SO may seem like they are more appealing to the kids, but they are more interested in their relationship with the X. However, when dealing with someone like my X and the OW who are deliberately trying to upset me, the best course of action is to laugh it off. OW can't possibly replace me with my kids, my X's family or even my X. We were together 30 years, from when we were kids. Can't go back and relive those years. My relationship with M will always be different than his relationship with his X. We are different people now than who we were when we met our X's. (Lord, I hope I'm different than when I was 14!)
There's a great book "My Mother Married Your Father" that I highly recommend to anyone as a single parent and anyone contemplating the issues with potential step kids.
QueenBun

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