Resentment
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Resentment
| Sat, 01-05-2008 - 10:04am |
I was reading different posts yesterday and Mark made a comment that made me think about resentment. I had never really thought about it too much, but after his comment it really made me realize how much resentment I have towards my ex. This is something I need to work on big time, but how do you work on something like that? Do you make a list or what?

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That really is a tough one, Emma...
What I've realized with some of my past resentments- to get past them, is to realize that I had to stop playing the victim card. I had to stop and realize that although someone was treating me in a negative way, it was still MY CHOICE to react to it in my OWN way. I didn't have to go with the negativity and live it, or live WITH it. But in those past resentment issues... I look back and realize that I accepted it then and took it in. And then the resentment started brewing.
What was it that Mark said one time? That resentment stemmed from unmet/undisclosed expectations, or something like that?
Getting over past resentments is hard. Some of it has to do with letting go of that victim card, like I said. Know that you DO have the power to act in your own way. But it's also in looking at the other person as "he did only the best he could". Such as not getting the love you wanted from someone, for example. You wanted (expected) a certain thing, but he couldn't (or didn't) come through for you. Thus the resentment. But did you clearly let him KNOW what you expected of him? And was he truly able to give that kind of love? Some people grow up with dysfunctional parents and so they never got to see what truly loving a spouse was supposed to be like... and so they just live what they know.
Like my ex... he grew up with a mom who stayed home and did ALL the childcare and housework. And he saw his dad going to work, coming home, and then having his spare time. So when we were married and had kids... he expected the same of us, where his going to work and bringing home a paycheck was doing enough. While I grew up with my mom staying at home some of the time, but she also worked (with my dad in the restaurant they owned)- so it wasn't all SAHM and housewife for her. And so I wasn't going to be a complete housewife either! Plus, I grew up knowing that men COULD also handle childcare too- and didn't explode, lol- so I expected my husband to be one of those hands-on dads as well. So we didn't agree. And at the time, we just didn't SEE that the problem was our differences, and only wanted a "right" or "wrong" conclusion... and then, of course we fought about it, and of course, we ended up with resentment over it.
I had to let go by realizing that the ex was only acting on what he knew at the time, just like I was. But that didn't happen when we were married, because I just didn't know how to get past the resentment. This was something I realized only much later, and then I could get over being mad at him (and myself)
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Shrimpy has a lot of great points. I agree with her assessment and would add that writing stuff down does help.
Boy did I have a ton of resentment, heck rage, to work through during and after my divorce. Counseling was indeed necessary. The best things I did for myself were: 1. to step back and see my X objectively, not as the person he once was but the person he CHOSE to become. I realized his choices had nothing to do with me, he did whatever he wanted with absolutely no concern for the effect on me. He was truly incapable of seeing my perspective so I just let it go. I can choose to let it go. 2. Journaling. Writing stuff down was/is my sanity saver. I don't have to keep what I write, could burn it or just throw it away, but the emotions get dealt with and I can see things more objectively when I write it down and reread what I have written. If I feel the ole insecurity baggage opening up I write out my feelings, but unless it is something really important to me, I don't tell M. 3. To break the cycle of resentment, like Shrimpy, I now make an effort to speak up when something is really upsetting to me. I don't blame the other person, use the when you do X, I feel Y method. I am so conflict averse I am capable of spending my life walking on eggshells. I make an effort to not do that anymore.
QueenBun, who should stomp on some eggs once in a while
I realize I have resentment when I focus on the OTHER person and their behavior especially when their actions directly affects me and my life. My former spouse does not communicate with me and when she does it is through a lawyer. The best way I can handle this is to remind myself that she is operating out of her own "stuff" and knowing we all do the best we can from what we know and are aware of at the time.
I cannot control the other person. I can only control myself especially my attitudes and perspective on life/situations. This is a continual process and I get challenged on it when I least expect it.
I want to (but don't successfully execute) first honor that resentment emotion, sit with it (not try to amplify it or make it go away) and then allow it to leave my body. I usually do this with my fear emotion. It's painful and it takes a LOT of patience but the process works.
Another way I deal with resentment is to turn my attention and focus to my life and making it the best life I can.
Mark
---
May your soul be at rest.
May your heart remain open.
May you realize your own true nature.
May you be healed.
May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer
Mark, I totally agree with everything you say about resentment!
I don't know if I can tell you how to get over the resentment you have towards your exh - but I can tell you how I got over mine - maybe that will help.
1) Forgiveness - I have the ability to understand that my exh did the very best that he could given his circumstances for the family/mother that raised him and his mental capability and emotional intelligence. It just wasn't enough for me. I always felt lonely.
2) Circumstances - from the time that we were married until we were divorced we were under a lot of stress due to our career choices, raising a baby and being under financial stress - this did not help - and could not be helped.
3) Myself - what did I do to be half of the divorce? Well, for one, I was always a pleaser and was not true to myself. I had no clue about what a marriage or healthy relationship took nor how to create a balance life. I believe all of these led me to marry a person who was not right for me and then enabled him to walk all over me. But I have worked hard on learning to say no and learning to set boundaries and respect my own feelings. I have also realized that I have to have someone who loves me for ME. And I have read enough books on healthy relationships and dating to probably write one - I have also had a lot of hard knocks to learn what is out there and what I want and what I don't want. And I am willing to live alone until I find it.
4) Expectations - the realization that no one else on this earth is going to make me happy but me. And not everyone is going to be responsible. I do not EXPECT exh to do anything else but put himself first or to be considerate - because he never will. I have set up a great life for me and my DS and he can come and go as he pleases. HE is responsible to be a dad - and this has nothing to do with my own principles for being a good parent - it is separate and of his own will. DS and I do not depend on him for anything or to function in any way for our schedules or day to day stuff. And I make sure I do not depend on him because he is flaky and selfish. So, when I do not depend on him, I do not get mad at him. I do set boundaries and bolt out a hearty "that doesn't work for me" when it is needed - usually due to something with the schedule.
5) Happiness - I have done all I can to be happy in my life and am still working on more goals and other things. I am fit, active, having fun all on my own - I do not depend on any one person to be happy. I try very hard to be happy with what I have.
6) Grateful - there is one thing in life that this board and those around me have given me - a sense of gratefulness for what I have. The experience of being a single mom has given me a strength I never thought possible. I have also learned not to judge others and to appreciate the simple things in life. I see circumstances here and all around me that make me grateful for what I have - because I have a lot. We all do - we just have to see it that way.
I was reading a book that only we can control our mirror and our window - our mirror is how we view ourselves - and our window is how we view the world - we can see challenges as something good to make us grow and that a glass that is half filled is half full.
Hope this helps! Of course all this did not happen overnight - this has been 6.5 years in the making.
Great post, Judy!
Although you wrote it for your own circumstances, it fits MINE as well! ITA!
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Another great discussion which I ironically started in another thread
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
As I too have to deal with alcohol in an ex, I understand where you're coming from.
<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This gave me a chuckle. It just goes to show that even the simplest things like eating pancakes can set you off.
Like yesterday for instance, DD originally "on paper" is suppose to be with her dad Thurs. and Fri. nights and come back to me Sat. around 6 p.m. A year or two after the divorce, circumstances changed for the ex and then it got to be a verbal agreement between us that he would have her Sat at noon - Sun. at noon. Yesterday, I knew she wasn't going because Thur. afternoon he called and said he had to work the weekend. Fine. We went shopping! Upon our return, I noticed he called around 11:45. I'd bet you $$ he didn't have to work and was calling to see if she wanted to stay. Used to, I would sit around and wait for him and DD to make the schedule, course I don't do that anymore. It interferred with things my daughter and I could be doing. I'm pretty much over the "marriage not working" resentfulness, but now I'm finding that I resent the fact that he can be more free with his time. Just come and go as he pleases especially during the week. Then I start putting this guilt trip on myself because this makes me sounds like an awful parent. I should be cherishing to time I have with my child. Another 4 years and she could be out of the house. UGH!!! It's like a great big ole circle.
I've even had friends and family tell me "make him take her". WTF? If he tells her "daddy's got to work" (which by the way is his excuse for everything which is totally untrue) do I call him a liar and demand that he take her? This was his excuse for everything when we were married! I know this and expect this, but she doesn't. I also know and expect that when he doesn't have $$ to take her anywhere, she won't be going with him. This is the only way this man knows how to show love..to buy it. More than likely you are all thinking, have a back up plan....that has proven to be fruitless also. There are times when I don't know that she's not going with her dad the day before. By that time, family members and friends have made plans and it's too late. I deal with this by planning things to do when she's not with me but they are things that aren't mandatory that I do. If I have to cancel, it's not a huge hairy deal, KWIM?
Soccermom's right, being resentful is a big ole festering boil. I've been trying to deal with this but it's keeps rearing it's ugly head.
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