Resentment

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Resentment
23
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 10:04am
I was reading different posts yesterday and Mark made a comment that made me think about resentment. I had never really thought about it too much, but after his comment it really made me realize how much resentment I have towards my ex. This is something I need to work on big time, but how do you work on something like that? Do you make a list or what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: emma_b2
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 9:35am

As all of you would remember how I was affected by my Ex finding some one so quickly and stopped talking to me ( which usually he would call me to tell me his problems ..I was almost like a councellor or a Nanny-Girl Friend). Any ways I did feel a bit of resentment in those few weeks that his still in his 30s can find ( and would have probably found ) a younger girl and have kids. Me on the other hand have spent ALL ( trust me all 20s golden time ) my time with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: emma_b2
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 10:18am

I can totally understand how you feel - you gave your best years and your all - and got back to ground zero to start all over - while he moves on and is somewhat unaffected. I felt this way too because my selfish exh got my best years as well - I was almost 40 when we were divorced.

The thing is, there is no guarantee that you would have done better if you made a different choice. As I was explaining to a friend the other day (this is another story entirely because she is in a real mess) - if you are uneducated about relationships and dating and you find someone, you roll the dice and I feel the odds are against you when you are uninitiated about many things. Some people get lucky and some don't. But if you are educated you greatly increase your chances of picking a better partner - this is mindful dating (not to say it is easy because it is not).

You rolled the dice at that time and did your best. You could have ended up worse off or not finding anyone at all. Here you landed on your feet and simply start over and hopefully have learned a lot here so you do better. Whether or not he finds someone good or not good does not affect you anymore. I would stop talking to him and forget about him - let it go. Because his experience does not affect yours - only in your head.

And now you are much smarter that you are not going to be in an unrequitted love type of situation. My friend is in something like this - she has been married over 20 years, has three kids and never even took up a career because her marriage was all about raising kids and supporting her husband to launch a business in a third world country. And he is into pursuing much younger girls in strip clubs and parties in a third world country and having multiple affairs and that lifestyle and does not want to give it up. She is devastated - she doesn't believe in divorce in her religion and she is not that strong emotionally. I had to tell her to stay put and let him support her while she just focuses on her kids and getting her feet back on the ground - she also has to work on finding a way to support herself. Fortunately she now has a house here.

All of our experiences have a purpose and a good side - even if they seem painful and or inconvenient. Somehow if you can find the purpose that this served and focus on the good you got out of it then you will do better. You have a fresh slate and can be whoever you want now. Don't waste it! There are many days ahead of you - the past is gone.

I have engaged in triathlons, have furthered my business, done well in my home - so I have really blossomed in my years of divorce. I am fit and strong mentally. And now I am a much better catch. I am grateful that my exh gave me my son and the ability to stay home with him and get the idea of my business and get it off the ground - I no longer feel I just wasted time - who knows if it would have been better with someone different? So now we move on. I have also had the opportunity to help and learn from many single moms here - and I would not trade that for the world. The education I have received for picking a better one and having a good relationship is huge.

All this just takes time. Don't be sad - work on something good!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: emma_b2
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 10:22am

How old is your DD?

I was in a very similar situation with my exh and his work and travel. I proceeded on in my life without him and looked at it like it is my gain and his loss. I had babysitters so I could do things - basically operated as though he doesn't exist.

It is easier now because DS has a busy social life and is often with friends or I can leave him alone a bit to do some things.

Hang in there. You can't make him take her - you just have to learn to do your own thing and not depend on him. Your expectation of him taking on half the load is what is getting you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
In reply to: emma_b2
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 10:46am

He may never get well, but you know that he loves his children, and that may be all you get.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: emma_b2
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 10:56am
The way I got over expecting him to do half was to be so happy I have the privilege of kissing my DS goodnight every night and watching him grow and being the one to have the influence on him. I do not expect anything from my exh - I operate as though he doesn't exist. That way anything he does is gravy. After a while you adapt to the load. Fortunately for us he is a good dad - when he is here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: emma_b2
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 11:15am

"How old is your DD?"
She is 14 and yes she is old enough to be on her own but I cannot trust her to do so.

"I proceeded on in my life without him and looked at it like it is my gain and his loss. I had babysitters so I could do things - basically operated as though he doesn't exist. "
UGH this is what I've been trying to do ever since the divorce and have been doing fairly well, but there are times when I can have something planned out and it just seems it's not in the cards. It seems that something always comes up and blows my plans out of the water.

It is easier now because DS has a busy social life and is often with friends or I can leave him alone a bit to do some things. See first answer, lol. Lately I've been letting go just a hair like running to the grocery store without her. This morning I have decided I am going to literally write rules and expectations that I have of my DD14 so that it is all "spelled out". I will give this to her, let her read it over and wait for comments.

Your expectation of him taking on half the load is what is getting you. I know this is what is bothering me. Edited to add: But it still ticks me off! lol




Edited 1/6/2008 11:22 am ET by emma_b2
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: emma_b2
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 11:31am

Well, you sound like you are doing good. I guess one thing to mention too - is that not only are we still moms, but we are single moms. It is not like we can go out every night or have our lives be carefree - that is for sure. I guess I feel that I can get up early and ride before he gets up or go to the store. But I am still on deck - perhaps I have adjusted to being on deck more?

A 14 year old girl is tough - you do have to be more vigilant.

I think time will help you - you only have 4 years left before she leaves for college - maybe if you see that these days are numbered you will be better. I know it is hard - that is what we are here for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: emma_b2
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 12:08pm

I'm so glad I have you guys! I have 3 olders sisters and am very close to them but their singleness has been under different circumstances than mine.

My eldest is a widow of only 2 years after losing her soulmate of 30+ years. She comes to me at times for men advice which I think is quite hilarious.

The middle sister divorced because her husband left her. Personally, I think she still pines for him even though she is remarried. In getting married again, I think she settled as to me, she doesn't seem happy whch I think is really sad because she's such an awesome person.

The other one left her husband (like me) but lived with my mom and dad for 4+ years until she married again. She could raise her child and call all the shots because her child's dad WAS non-existent and come to think of it, she had a built-in babysitter who was me.

Not one of them have been totally on their own (I did live with my parents for six months to get things sorted out) with a child to raise pretty much alone and have purchased a house on my own and remodeling to boot!

Come to think of it...I kick A$$ don't I!

The thing with my daughter, after re-reading what I had posted and the other posts, I defintely need to have more days with her like yesterday. We went shopping and just had fun..no pressure to be home at a certain time, no cell phone interruptions (she does not have that back yet which is one of things I will be addressing in my rule/expectation list) and she had gift cards so the only thing I paid for was lunch. It was an awesome day and before we turned in for the night I let her know that and we needed to do it more often.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: emma_b2
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 12:19pm

That is a much better post - wow - you do much better than your sisters. And I like the way you and your DD had quality time. I really try to focus on that for me and DS.

DS and I do have a lot of freedom and we operate differently than if we were part of a traditional family. We both get a lot of personal time and are more efficient and have a lot more freedom. For example - we went to this wonderful mulch trail and took the dogs for a much loved nature walk and enjoyed the sunset. Then we called our favorite restaurant, picked up the food and ate it in the car on the way home - for some reason the two of us love that - then when we got home we viewed all of the videos on his new camera.

I cherish our time together and appreciate that I do not have someone under my feet 24/7 to interfere with that and have a new set of likes and dislikes to cater to.

How great that you got such a shopping trip with your DD!! Pretty soon she will be picking out great clothes for you - if she doesn't already.

We are about out the door to Target - I can grocery shop while DS gets to spend a gift card from Xmas. Then my parents are coming for dinner later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: emma_b2
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 4:57am

I dont think *I* can even go there.

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