Rolling along - one difference
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| Sun, 05-13-2007 - 7:58am |
Okay - we had another date last night. He called around lunch to see what I was doing. He had gotten up early, worked out, cleaned his house - gotten a lot done. I rode my bike 1.5 hours and then took DS out for breakfast and we took the dogs to the dogstore to buy a toy. Then DS's dad picked him up.
So I was footloose and fancy free. Fireman said we should do something to celebrate. He did have to work today. Which I find rather lucky because that gives me time to have my workouts and space.
Anyway, he got to see my house. And we had wild wild sex for hours on end.
LOL!! NOT! Just kidding.
He liked it. I do know that my house is bigger and in a more affluent neighborhood so I was concerned about that because a lot of guys don't like a woman to exceed them in any way. But I do have a kid to raise, got lucky on a real estate purchase a decade ago and I have a business to run so it is all relative. Instead of feeling put off he was proud of me and liked hearing about my ebay bargains and seeing everything. The puppies went wild when they saw him - barking at him and running around the house like crazies - the little one had just gone in the pool so he was wet. Fireman has a bulldog mix which is a masculine dog. And he laughed and laughed at these two because they do sort of look like big giant curly poodles - said he had never seen dogs like that - but he liked them. Luckily my lessons for them not to jump have been working. They managed not to jump on him!! LOL!!
He liked that I picked a cute casual restaurant near me that is so so cheap with great food. I joked and said that is the big bonus of dating a single mom! That we know where to go for places like that.
Then we were trying to decide what to do. I really feel that he respects me and did not push to come back to my house, rather he was trying to think of a place to people watch and just hang out. We knew we shouldn't do a late night because he has to work - I made a big point to acknowledge that. Because when he works it is 24 hours and he doesn't always get a good nights sleep. I didn't realize this before but a firefighter is basically a person who helps answer the 911 calls. They deal with a lot of stuff.
So we stayed in my little town. There is a cute but very nice sports bar on the water that has a lot of TVs and good music.
We got to talk some more. And here is where I am proud of myself. My relationship history in the past has always been to have sex right away. And I realize that clouded my judgement especially with my exh and it makes me clingy like crazy. I could write a book on that. And really, although there are a lot of great things between us, I feel I want to know him better and see that feelings are developing before I jump into bed with him. I don't want to go back to my old ways of having sex and then wondering why "he doesn't call."
So, we were kissing and talking and having fun. And somehow we got on the subject of sex. I told him he has to be patient with me because I want to get to know him first and have it mean something and be comfortable with us. He says he is in no hurry and wants to wait til the time is right for me and he senses that might be more difficult for me than him and he laughed - we always tease each other. We did say we love the way we kiss together and he commented that is the gateway to all else, which is probably true. I said "5 years" and laughed and he said he didn't care. That was cute - we do have this funny sense of humor together.
And you know, you can never get those presex steamy days back - so I want to enjoy them and I think he does, too.
He complimented me a lot and I can tell that he is really respectful - he opens the door for me, insists on paying. All is good with that.
The only difference between us is that I don't drink much at all. And he likes to drink beers on his days off. I am not sure what to think of that. I don't think he gets drunk - he has not had too much on any night we have been together. But he would probably have 4 or 5 or 6 over the course of the evening. He doesn't go out a lot he says but he does like his beer. Does that mean he likes to drink a 6 pack every day on his days off? I am not sure. I will have to bring that subject up again. Because I don't want a guy that drinks every day. And certainly not around my DS.
Maybe I am overthinking and after all we have been out in public only 5 times and not at a house so we don't get in trouble. I am sure part of it is his lifestyle with the hours he keeps and who he hangs out with - it is not like he has been married with kids.
Maybe you guys have had experience with this? I appreciate any comments.
When it was time for him to bring me home he made a point to walk me to the door and NOT go inside and give me the sweetest kiss goodnight.
So, I hope things work out - the drinking does concern me - but if they do or if they don't I just learned an important skill to make the guy wait!

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Good for you on sticking with the belief you shoud wait a while for sex. I know I wouldn't, didn't, even though I swore I was going to wait at least a full month of dates before crossing that line.
Wait and see about the drinking thing. if it's just a few beers a couple times a week, thats not a problem. But having to have a few EVERY day he's not at work, that could be an issue since you don't want your son to think that is a behavior to emulate. Drinking is a biggie for me too. I don't want a teetotaler, but someone who drinks daily gets the NEXT button fast. M pays attention to how much he drinks, and rarely does so in front of his kids- or mine. He's making an effort to drink less at these work dinners when he travels. His incentive is a desire to make healthier lifestyle choices since he's gotten a big wake up call with his blood pressure getting too high.
Happy Mother's Day!
As a fellow member of OTA, I am advising you to not over think the beer issue. Wait this one out for a bit. Everything else is going well so I wouldn't worry about it too much. It may be nothing. IF it is an issue later, tell him you would prefer he not drink around your son. I think any good man would go for that.
No over thinking!!!
I'll chime in with everyone else.
I think this is all great!
I wouldn't worry right now about the beer- I have a couple of couple friends and we all drink beer when we're together. But the thing is, no one is getting drunk, or even drinking for that purpose. It's more of a social thing, and we happen to like beer. Anyone who didn't know us would probably think we drink a lot, but in truth, we have a couple when we're together, and that isn't that often.
I don't have experience with guys who drink, because while funnyguy will have a couple on occassion, he isn't a big drinker. I drink less now because we're doing other things and I'm spending less time with my friends. When we do see my friends, I still have a couple, but it doesn't bother me to drink less since the reason for drinking wasn't ever to get drunk.
As for the sex talk, I'm glad he's not pushing you, and proud of you for controlling your wild hormones ;-)
I'm very happy that things are going nicely, and I will say again ENJOY this!
Moody, with a little more magic dust
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I agree with the wait it out idea - BUT, & i may be predjudice about it, firefighters DO have the "rep" of being drinkers. I dont mean to generalize, & it may be just around here with HUGE Irish roots, but many MANY of the firefighters i know here have drinking issues. & yes, ABSOLUTELY, drinking "a few beers" every day, is NOT AT ALL a good sign. Some may disagree, but i know WAY too many women married to men who live in a perpetual buzz each afternoon/eve of their days off, with 4-6 beers in them, every eve. Ick.
Those who said maybe its his lifestyle now, single w/o a partner, kids in the house, etc etc ... IF he drinks everyday, whatever you do, do NOT expect that to change. It WILL NOT. What you see NOW is what you get LATER. I promise you that. Especially when it comes to alcohol consumption. Having 4-5-6 beers each time you are out ....its a small red flag. Small i say b/c I too can drink 5 or 6 drinks out in a nite, but thats a "partying nite". If i am on a date, i don't usually surpass 3. Has he drank like that every date? Does he appear buzzed? CAN he just have 1 or 2, or none at all? Does it seem as if he jumps at the "chance" to have a drink? & sucks it down?
I know I am hypervigilant about drinking b/c of my X. So i may be over-reacting. & sure, its too soon to tell if there is an issue or he has a problem, but just remember "Alcoholics can be nice guys too" ... so if you begin to worry more & more about it, trust your gut instinct. Honestly, in MY opinion, you should have to REQUEST/ASK/SUGGEST to ANY grown adult man, that he slow down his alcohol consumption. That ALONE shows there is an issue. One of the key points of "are you an alcoholic" is "is there anyone who thinks you have a problem?" ... b/c if thats the case, if YOUR drinking bothers someone ELSE, then its a pretty good bet, its an issue.
Now, onto the rest of the post - it all sounds awesome. I hope it works out! & good for you for waiting for sex ... i know it isnt easy! But i loved how you pointed out that you cant ever get back that "pre-sex" feeling - & you are SO SO rigth!
Thanks rlch! I certainly don't want one in a perpetual buzz on every day off. And I do understand your hypervigilance because I have had to have 2 breakups in my past premarriage dating days because of drinking. One was a perpetual buzz type of guy and the other was a binge drinker. And I understand your frustration with your exh because they are nice guys - if only they didn't drink - but that is a huge animal that only they can control and they have to see it that way - and it requires a huge effort to change on a forever basis - not just for a week. I so understand your dilemma that you went through. I am betting that part of the problem with your exh is that he is so hurt by the divorce and didn't want it and doesn't understand how his behavior led to it so he acts that way and makes everyone crazy. UGH!
Okay - will keep the eyes open and report back. We have only been out 3 nights (the first was lunch) and he has had between 3 to 6 drinks each time - doesn't go real fast - but we have been in bars listening to music for 4 or 5 hours - talking and stuff. When I asked him if he goes out a lot he said no. But I have no idea what his everyday habits are - just have to wait and see.
I did learn one thing about the sex talk. When you tell them you want to wait it is like a good change comes over them - it is like you all of a sudden become much more valuable in their eyes - I was sort of surprised at that. So I would not ever hesitate to do that again. I was always worried the guy would not want me if I expressed that. And I think when you get to know them better it is better. I am too old for "morning after syndrome"!! Plus it has been a while for me so I think that makes it easier for me to say wait. That is a new one for sure, too!! LOL!!
And the other thing is that I think we will learn to develop a lot of good compatible activities to have fun - not just get stuck at home reverting to the most fun deed. And it does seem to build a good amount of hot anticipation. Plus it just feels safer to me because I know how I am.
I just wanted to add, too, that I know that the perpetual buzz worsens and does not get better with age. Because they develop a tolerance to it and have to drink more and more to feel buzzed. And then they get withdrawal from sleeping and have to drink in the morning to feel better. And that is when the alcoholism is really in the most serious and final stages. It is like 1 drink is way too many and 100 is not nearly enough.
I was engaged to a successful business man when I was 25. Had the ring, the dress, the whole shebang. When we lived together I realized he did drink every day no matter what. And sometimes he was moody. So I went and got counseling and learned a lot about alcoholism. The counselor made me write down every way that the drinking got in the way of my life. And I worked for a week writing that stuff down and it was so enlightening. She thought him to be text book middle stage alcoholic from what I said - and why would I stay with a guy like that when I was so young and had so much going for me?
So I gave him an ultimatum. Me or the booze. Of course he picked the booze. I knew he would and it gave me an excuse to get out. Thank goodness I never married that one!
The next boyfriend that I met lived in my apartment complex. I noticed that on Friday night he always had to go out with the boys. He would get so poopfaced. But that was the only day he would do it. It was like when he started drinking he couldn't stop until he passed out. And he had blackouts. I remember thinking, how in the heck could this happen to me twice? But there are a lot of drinkers out there so the chances are good that everyone will run into one eventually. I have dated a lot of non-drinkers since so I know those types exist!! I dont have any drinking history in my family so I think that I am able to see the red flags pretty soon and not think they are okay.
So I guess I do have an issue with this in a way, too. I have a lot of good at stake in my life - my health, wealth and son. And I am not going to endanger any of those with a boyfriend.
But I will take a deep breath and give this one a chance. Because you don't really know for sure unless you observe for a while. And I have all of you guys to tell my stories to so you help me see stuff, too.
Don't let the drinking be a red card just yet. I know from my own experience that drinking habits can change.
Coming from the UK, where there is a big drinking culture, and now having lots of British friends in Switzerland, I can tell you I was drinking A LOT before I met my Monkey. Not because I was an alcoholic, but really for social reasons, or sometimes even just for boredom - I was on my own a lot, and once the kids had gone to bed I would put on a DVD and have a "glass" of wine, which could easily become a bottle on some nights. I am not particularly proud of that time in my life.
Now, with Monkey living with us, we decided we would drink only on the weekends. I do not miss it at all - it's just that my lifestyle has changed now, and a social drink, or a drink at home at the weekend, is in line with the "couples" lifestyle I now have.
This could happen for Fireman too, so just keep your eyes open for now, and decide in the future whether it is really something you need to discuss. I know I am from another culture, but to me it seems perfectly normal for a guy to enjoy a few beers when socialising.
Good luck with this and keep us posted. He sounds great in many other ways, so I really hope this will not ruin it for you.
Clem xx
I pray you are right missclemmy!
This board is the best - becase everyone has so many different circumstances and stories to share. And we are all doing the same thing really - finding a new partner who is the best one for us and never mind when we have the responsibility of children. I always love reading what everyone writes. I have learned so so much from everyone.
I think he is going to call in a little bit. I could possibily have him over for dinner because he is off today and DS goes to his dad's house.
We are supposed to ride bikes tomorrow. When he came to my house he wanted to see my mountain bike - and we discovered we have identical bikes down to the brand, model and color!
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