Rolling along - one difference

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Rolling along - one difference
18
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 7:58am

Okay - we had another date last night. He called around lunch to see what I was doing. He had gotten up early, worked out, cleaned his house - gotten a lot done. I rode my bike 1.5 hours and then took DS out for breakfast and we took the dogs to the dogstore to buy a toy. Then DS's dad picked him up.

So I was footloose and fancy free. Fireman said we should do something to celebrate. He did have to work today. Which I find rather lucky because that gives me time to have my workouts and space.

Anyway, he got to see my house. And we had wild wild sex for hours on end.

LOL!! NOT! Just kidding.

He liked it. I do know that my house is bigger and in a more affluent neighborhood so I was concerned about that because a lot of guys don't like a woman to exceed them in any way. But I do have a kid to raise, got lucky on a real estate purchase a decade ago and I have a business to run so it is all relative. Instead of feeling put off he was proud of me and liked hearing about my ebay bargains and seeing everything. The puppies went wild when they saw him - barking at him and running around the house like crazies - the little one had just gone in the pool so he was wet. Fireman has a bulldog mix which is a masculine dog. And he laughed and laughed at these two because they do sort of look like big giant curly poodles - said he had never seen dogs like that - but he liked them. Luckily my lessons for them not to jump have been working. They managed not to jump on him!! LOL!!

He liked that I picked a cute casual restaurant near me that is so so cheap with great food. I joked and said that is the big bonus of dating a single mom! That we know where to go for places like that.

Then we were trying to decide what to do. I really feel that he respects me and did not push to come back to my house, rather he was trying to think of a place to people watch and just hang out. We knew we shouldn't do a late night because he has to work - I made a big point to acknowledge that. Because when he works it is 24 hours and he doesn't always get a good nights sleep. I didn't realize this before but a firefighter is basically a person who helps answer the 911 calls. They deal with a lot of stuff.

So we stayed in my little town. There is a cute but very nice sports bar on the water that has a lot of TVs and good music.

We got to talk some more. And here is where I am proud of myself. My relationship history in the past has always been to have sex right away. And I realize that clouded my judgement especially with my exh and it makes me clingy like crazy. I could write a book on that. And really, although there are a lot of great things between us, I feel I want to know him better and see that feelings are developing before I jump into bed with him. I don't want to go back to my old ways of having sex and then wondering why "he doesn't call."

So, we were kissing and talking and having fun. And somehow we got on the subject of sex. I told him he has to be patient with me because I want to get to know him first and have it mean something and be comfortable with us. He says he is in no hurry and wants to wait til the time is right for me and he senses that might be more difficult for me than him and he laughed - we always tease each other. We did say we love the way we kiss together and he commented that is the gateway to all else, which is probably true. I said "5 years" and laughed and he said he didn't care. That was cute - we do have this funny sense of humor together.

And you know, you can never get those presex steamy days back - so I want to enjoy them and I think he does, too.

He complimented me a lot and I can tell that he is really respectful - he opens the door for me, insists on paying. All is good with that.

The only difference between us is that I don't drink much at all. And he likes to drink beers on his days off. I am not sure what to think of that. I don't think he gets drunk - he has not had too much on any night we have been together. But he would probably have 4 or 5 or 6 over the course of the evening. He doesn't go out a lot he says but he does like his beer. Does that mean he likes to drink a 6 pack every day on his days off? I am not sure. I will have to bring that subject up again. Because I don't want a guy that drinks every day. And certainly not around my DS.

Maybe I am overthinking and after all we have been out in public only 5 times and not at a house so we don't get in trouble. I am sure part of it is his lifestyle with the hours he keeps and who he hangs out with - it is not like he has been married with kids.

Maybe you guys have had experience with this? I appreciate any comments.

When it was time for him to bring me home he made a point to walk me to the door and NOT go inside and give me the sweetest kiss goodnight.

So, I hope things work out - the drinking does concern me - but if they do or if they don't I just learned an important skill to make the guy wait!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 10:01am

Totally agree. & yeah, MY X was the binge guy, your 2nd boyfriend you talked about. He NEVER drank at home, never drank every day, could easily go to dinner with me & have none or one or 2 & come home ...... BUT, put him in a room full of rugby guys, or go to a cook-out, or a parade, or a wedding & all hell broke loose. He would drink till he couldnt stand or speak.

Ewwwwwww ....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 10:03am
Exactly. & the difference would be you are NOT an alcoholic. The alcoholic, wouldnt be able to make that "change". Thats why i agree that she needs time to see what is really going on here & then go from there. Hopefully it IS just a totally social thing with him. I hope so b/c other than that, he seems GREAT!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 10:05am

OMG - you poor thing!

I bet to this day he does not "see" the problem. And from the circumstances it took a lot for you to diagnose it, too. That is crazy that he could only have one or two with you but then at a party go hog wild.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 10:20am

OMG i could tell you stories ... he was BIG, 240#, there were SO many mornings i woudl find him passed out (ok, maybe 8 times in 7 yrs) on the front lawn or in his car. I would be trying to drag him at least into the HOUSE or garage, so the neighnors wouldnt see!

& i spent my LIFETIME with him, trying to hide his drunkeness, counting his drinks at a function, trying to get him OUT of there b4 the evil drunk or stupid drunk appeared ... or driving around at 2am searching for his car, thinking he was dead ... sometimes with my baby in the backseat ... or at 9 months preggo even ... stupid stupid stupid. Sometimes i woudl find him passed out hanging out of his car downtown. One time i got a call from some guy who he grew up with saying "Are you his wife? I havent seen him in years, but i just watched him hit a wall with his truck & he is passed out in the driverseat. I moved him & got his car out of there so he wouldnt get arreasted, but you need to come get him & his truck". Great. Fun day THAT was. Then he threw up everywhere.

One time he called that he & his friend were in an accident, on MOTORCYLES. Apparently this guy was on HIS last legs with his wife, so *I* went to "rescue" them. Here i am with my 2 yr old in the back seat,& 2 bleeding drunks in the car with us. How STUPID was I? & the saddest? My 1st day back from maternity leave. My 6 wk old was at home with a VERY VERY hung over Dad. I had to be in at 7am & he came in at 2am. I was SO terrified he wouldnt hear her crying & wake up, that a couple hours into my work day i called a neighbor i BARELY KNEW & asked her to go out side out house & listen to see if hte baby was crying & not being cared for.

Once he sprained *MY* ankle once b/c he passed out so badly in bed, ON MY LEG, & i couldnt wake him & i tried to yank my leg out from under his dead-weight & injured myself! I *still* occassionaly limp from it!

The worst, saddest? He ruined EVERY SINGLE special occassion (not to mention holidays). From literally ... our rehersal dinner nite & our wedding nite (thank God he held it together on the wedding nite so no one saw it, but once we got back home, he was MEAN as can be. My maid of honor & her H left at 3 am to drive home 3 hrs b/c she told me later "i couldnt stand to see how mean he was to you". I slept alone in my bed, with the DOG my 1st nite married, him passed out on the couch ... then we didnt speak for the 1st ENTIRE day of our honeymoon) ... then my baby shower, the babys baptism, her 1st bday (he MORTIFIED me at her party at our brand new house, in front of 50 people, he was SO drunk & MEAN to me b/c i didnt have ICE CREAM to go with the cake. I had a 1 yr old, worked full time +_ b/c HE didnt work, I JUST moved into our new house 5 days prior AND had 50 people over, yet i was a "moron" b/c i had no ice cream & he went on & on till soemone told him to "lay off") ... then every other major event.

God, why the F did i stay so LONG!?!?!?!?!?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 10:34am

OMG - you poor thing! Those are incredible stories. For sure.

We have to help you find you a good one so you never have to go through this again!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 2:01pm

((hugs))... OMG- can I relate to "he was SO drunk & MEAN to me b/c i didnt have ICE CREAM to go with the cake." I have hundreds of those kinds of stories. He started being mean to our eldest son- that got me into counseling on my own and eventually contributed to my finally being able to GET OUT. No... you weren't dumb or stupid. You loved the guy. We can't help who we fall for, especially when we are young and don't know that people change very slowly and not necessarily for the better. My S16 says his dad has quit drinking since the divorce. I flat out told X he had a serious problem and it was one of the things contributing to my leaving, the OW was the biggest one (now I think she did me a favor LOL) He still has psycho moments, but that I believe is from brain damage and the kind of personality disorders that go along with drinking heavily from a young age. My X (and my brother, and my father) started around age 13.

So yeah, NOW how much a guy drinks is an issue for me. With M, it is his X who has depression and alcohol issues.
That combined with his health wake up call has him paying attention to his own alcohol consumption. I rarely have more than a glass of wine when we're out, so he laughs that I'm the cheapest date ever for him.

On the flip side, I don't want to turn into my mother, who is a militant anti alcohol person. She thinks everyone who drinks is an alcoholic and is vocal about it. Kind of difficult to enjoy a party with her around.

So for me the issue with drinking is more, how does the guy behave when he's had a few, and how much, how often does he drink? People can and do quit, but it seems to take losing something they value a great deal. And even after someone quits, it doesn't change the narcissistic behavior. My brother has been dry for 7 years, still acts like a selfish dork from time to time, and of course my X is still mean and psycho when one least expects.

QB- who will never marry someone who doesn't treat her like a princess- ALWAYS

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 5:14pm

I've been wanting desperately post my update from last Friday, but haven't had a chance. However maybe tomorrow. But I did want to tell you that what's interesting is that I am in the same boat with both things. Waiting on getting intimate and watching how much he really drinks.

M asked me to start dating only him and give him a chance, but I said that is fine, but that doesn't mean we will be physical anytime soon. I told him if we are still dating after the girls leave for Europe, then we can move in that direction, but not prior. By then we will have dated 2 months and I think that is pretty fair time to know if we are moving on or not. He completely accepted it, so he's been a gentleman about it a 100%. I think he looked slightly taken aback when I told him he has 5 more weeks to hold out, but then he thought about it and said that should definitely teach us to like each other for who we are and not have sex cloud our judgement. And then he added 5 weeks will go by quickly, because we have already been in contact for 5 weeks and it just seemed to have flown by. I agree. And honestly, I don't care at this point what he thinks. I like waiting and watching and wondering. :)

As for the drinking, we've been out every time to a bar or restaurant of some sort and I no longer drink as much as I did once in Europe. I have noticed that each time we are out, he will have his 4-5 drinks verses my 2-3. So he's always one or two ahead of me. However, I guess I'm also a really slow drinker, because I do not do it as much, but I am watching carefully. Because of his girls, I don't think he drinks that much, but I do want to be sure. YA know? I've decided to just watch a little longer. Not necessarily have alcohol around me at all times and see what happens? At some point, I'm going to ask him, but not quite yet. I don't want to rock the boat on something like that until I see it could be a true concern.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 9:46am

Hey Judy- I'm glad things are going great! (and I'm sorry if you've posted an update since this thread, and what I might say now is irrevelant- but I've been gone for the weekend and I'm just now catching up from the 'bottom up' on the board.)

Sounds like you're having a great time, but still staying SANE about dating and getting to know each other. I'm glad he is okay with it, too. It doesn't sound like he is trying to rush things with you, and is genuine in his interest for you. That is a rare thing (it seems VERY rare sometimes!) and I'm so glad you have it!

About the drinking thing... I have that with Hiker as well. It surprised me that he could have 2-3 beers in an evening- but that is only because my viewpoint as a 'lightweight' is that ONE drink in an evening is plenty for me! If I had 2-3 beers, I'd be crashed out on the couch until the next day! lol But 2-3 beers isn't a huge deal to him. He doesn't have a drink every time we go out, and he acts the exact same way whether he's had 2-3 or NONE- and the drinking he does, doesn't make him ANY different. So I know it's not like he's NEEDING to drink because he is wanting to get loosey-goosey... because the drinks doesn't change him or his actions at all. Not in public, not in private. If he comes to my house and we watch a movie or a game- and he has some beers, he is still the same. I think that is a big sign to watch for too- if the person you're dating CHANGES with the alcohol consumption. I also think it's a warning flag if any of US feels like we need to have a drink to change ourselves for a date, too.

So while I am always 'watching and taking notes' with the alcohol aspect of Hiker (and myself, too)- I haven't seen anything that has raised that into a red flag or a sign of trouble. But I do agree that it IS something that shouldn't be totally ignored. Just keep an eye on it and see how it goes.

Hiker has been this way since we first started dating, and he hasn't changed. I've never seen him drunk, and he never drinks "just to get drunk" like I've seen many people do in my old partying days. Had I sensed even an inkling of that in him when we started dating (or if I start sensing that NOW), then we wouldn't go any further.

And as for the 'making him wait for sex' thing... YAY for you, Judy! And Yay for him too- that he understands that and is okay with it. Again- that is also the way it was with Hiker and I. It was SO obvious that we wanted to jump into it fairly soon... but I kept waiting. And he kept waiting too -and never pushed and never once made it seem like he was begging or demanding for ANYTHING at all. But it was always clear to me (you know how girls know) that he was wanting to. lol ;-) I think that ANY man who isn't willing to wait until the woman is ready- isn't worth wasting time on. And I'm glad to hear that you and Fireman has talked about this, and you're both on the same page with it. When it's time for it to happen... it will be RIGHT, and you will both love it.

It's funny that I told myself that I'd wait til it was closer to 6 months before we'd have sex (told myself that mentally- never set a time frame on it when I talked to HIM though)... but that didn't go. I couldn't wait that long, nor did I have to wait that long to see just what his true character was like. We were just under 3 months-dating when we made that plunge. But that was after alot of dates and spending alot of time together talking. And now we're going on more than a year and a half and that sexual energy is still going strong. Along with the underlying friendship- that burns just as strong with it. And thankfully, our relationship didn't change after making that sexual turn- meaning that it didn't get in the way of our emotional relationship. It only enhanced it. So Judy- THUMBS UP for going slow- and double thumbs up for him being okay with it!

I'm thrilled for you, woman!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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