The Root of all Evil

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2009
The Root of all Evil
10
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 9:15pm

Just wanted to check in and not be the one who only posts rosy happy messages... A and I have been at it about money a lot lately... blah. We have always had a strange sort of competition...we make very simliar salaries and always compare YTD who is highest... but I just made some moves that freed up some cash for me to knock out the rest of the credit cards so that I can finally move forward, and he is acting almost resentful of me. This also happend when I got a very large bonus in May. I think he deep down wants to be the breadwinner (a man thing) but instead of thinking of us as a team and knowing that my money helps us both, he is looking at it as "tara vs. drew". ugh.


we got into a fight... he is short this week and i happened to have a boatload of cash come thru to finish off these credit cards. He thought this should be an exemption for his child support (the first time in 10 months he has even approached that topic). I told him he could cut it down a bit cause I was in good shape and he got very angry... called me greedy that I am nickel and diming him. Well, I admit, I could easily have said i didnt need it this week, but I do not want to set that precedent. The money I have is to PAY OFF MY CARDS, its not money to blow.


we had an argument, and how it ended was me telling him instead of paying his support this week, to get me formula and diapers and we'd call it even. he brought that over as well as some other things for GiGi that I didnt ask for, so I'm ok with is. This one week. But I really need to figure out how to get us on the same page - that we plan to marry and buy a house and he should not be resenting my success or money... especially when he had a scum sucker xw who tries to suck every cent out of him... he should appreciate someone who works hard and contributes

My girl

My girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 9:40pm
I am confussed...if you are together then why is he paying support and if you arent...Well I am not sure why you are sharing your personal finacial things with him. Your money is your money and his is his. He is to pay you a certain amount of support no if and or butts about. If you are in better shape good for you but he doesnt need to know that. Over all neither of you should make this money thing a competition...thats a bad road to go down that will not end well. Money isnt something you should fight over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2009
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 9:50pm
We are together... not married though, and since Gianna goes to day care at my job, it is taken right out of my paycheck. Since he is non-custodial, he pays me support. We do not have joint accounts at this time, we dont live together... but we are engaged and surely in each other's business financially.

My girl

My girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 9:53pm

He needs to understand that what he pays is for Gigi...it's not for you. What you make IS for you and Gigi. If he'd like to take on every little expense, related to her & her care, he'd understand that it's not inexpensive to raise a child. And plus, just because you have extra this week or month, doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to set some $ aside and save...the "extra" might not be the case every week or month.


Gurr! Sorry you're fighting about $. My ex-H (of course) thinks I have "too much," but in reality, I just know how to budget, shop and save, all while taking care of our children in an excellent way--something he cannot do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 11:37pm
OHHH I see....then yes you should know each others bussiness. You just shouldnt compete. Men have a hard time with that. I wouldnt rub it in and some how try to not get your competition reved up...Money should never be something you fight over. It is next to cheating one of the highest things people break up over. Let him have his ego...it will emprove you sex life LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 11:58pm
Sorry to hear you guys are fighting. These are serious topics honestly and I think it is good you are thinking about it now. I would consider setting up a direct deposit so that you NEVER barter or discuss the CS but that it just happens automatically. This way he isnt tempted to ask you for a break and you arent tempted to help him out just because you get a windfall. You need to save money for a rainy day, for college, for if you ever lose your job, you name it. We are all told we need 6 mo salary in savings but how many of us do it? I am in the middle of trying to build up my savings again now having just been hit with baby bills. SYB asked me today whether he could try and get a replacement at work because he was beat ( ava is teething) and I just said "sorry, but I dont want to work either and we both need to. It sucks but we will be glad we did by the end of next month" but tonight I might mention to him to please dont even ask me because it puts me in a bad position. I know he didnt mean to - he is just exhausted and I know the bills better than he does at the moment.
Just flip the scenario and see how you feel.
What if A got a bonus and told you and you asked him if you he could pay some of your rent and utility bills in addition to his CS too this month since he was loaded. You probably wouldnt even think of it.
But more than anything, CS should not be adjusted or forgiven by anyone other than the courts. It will mess with your relationship down the line IMO if you do that to help him. Honestly even if you used your windfall to help him in some other nice way that has nothing to do with Gigi this would be infinitely better. Just dont touch the CS!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 10:11am

I do agree that since you aren't living together now he should be paying his CS whether or not you have more or less money--that's his expense & he should budget for it. Now I could see if you had more cash & he had an unexpected expenses, maybe letting him wait an extra week or something, but also once you start doing that, then it might become a habit. Hey, I got a $25,000 bonus this year (of course only $14,000 after taxes)--I certainly didn't tell my ex he didn't have to pay c.s. There are a lot of things I need that money for to fix up the house and to put some into my IRA, and frankly it's not his business anyway. Now I know things are diff. w/ you since you & Drew are going to be together, but until you are actually living together, then he needs to pay. Maybe you shouldn't be telling each other the exact amt. of money you have until you are at the point of moving on or getting married. Then you also have to have those discussions that people don't have but they should about how you are going to manage your money once you are married--are you going to put it all together or keep some separate?

I do think it's great that you paid off the credit cards--why should the banks keep getting your money at 20% interest?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 7:00pm

Stop talking about finances with him. Period. Your money is NOT his business right now, you're not living together and you're not married yet. He's using YOUR salary and good money management skills as a way out of HIS obligations. Who cares what he has to pay for rent, car, his child support to his ex- he STILL has to meet his obligations, not hope that someone (you) will give.

It is NOT up to you to be "nice" and let him do this or that in lieu. Tara, if you don't have a court ordered child support agreement, then you really should GET one. This will help you BOTH. And no, you don't need a lawyer- I filed mine for the $10 filing fee.


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Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 12:12am
So I am going to re do this...I
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2009
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 11:22am
Thank you for enlightening me on the topic. And you are surely entitled to your opinion... but I will take it for what it is... an opinion. Its interesting when, instead of giving helpful advise or thoughtful ideas, people try to "put someone in their place" ie. "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS". So, maybe next time you are trying to be narrowminded and condescending and stating your opinion as fact, you will stop and think of how dead this board is... and consider possible reasons why. enjoy the July 4th holiday bitemex!

My girl

My girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 11:40am
I do think its nice of you to tellhim he can go buy things to help if he cant pay all the support...but he needs to pay. After not having support for a few years with 5 kids its a pain. He needs to pay you!!!!