Sad...I'm losing my love
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Sad...I'm losing my love
| Mon, 11-19-2007 - 1:23am |
hello all,
I took the advice and posted on the codependancy board. I just posted about what happened to me tonight and you all have been so incredible to me that I wanted to tell you. I have copied here what I wrote to a woman who is in a very similar boat with her SO.

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<The person who will make you happy will be one that walks, in a parallel path. It will be one who she can hold hands with as you walk, one who you will not walk behind nor will you
Oh Sweetie. Im sorry I havent chimed in here - as you know, my own lifes in a BIT of turmoil these days,!
Thank you...
Time will heal for sure. Right now I'm getting ready to talk to him tonight. I am half amped up (because I know I will get to be clear and I now know my limits) and half sad because there is no going back to yesterday.
I know how much you're going through right now too, and I appreciate you're thoughts :o) Mine are with you a well.
((((hugs))))
~Pac
I will be praying for you tonight PacSun. Huge Hugs!!! I understand how you feel. Honestly, I still love my ex even now... but i've learned how to love from afar. Sure it would be easier if I just hated his guts... But then the bitterness would end up robbing me of my happiness and my ability to be happy with a future love.
I just want to encourage you that you don't have to STOP loving someone to START setting boundaries and recovery. You don't have to wait for that feeling of love to go away before you close the door for good with him...
One day at a time.. if I may humbling offer some advice, I'd say have NO CONTACT with him until he's in a program and going regularly. That's something you can tell him tonight. Make a list of your own boundaries and list them to him.. Remember the "I feel (feeling), when you do (behaviour)." You are not pointing blame on him but rather owning how YOU feel. State what you NEED. Focus on YOU NOW!!! If he chooses drinking or smoking pot.. then you have your answer.. Try to see his actions and not his words (ie the i'm sorry, i need your help or take me back stuff). You can say, "I love you and I don't want to watch you do this to yourself. We can be together after you've started your recovery." (even though you may not get back together, this statement is a one day at a time statement) A good standard is 30 meetings in 30 days. One day at a time means YOU don't have to have it all figured out right now.. You can grieve for today. Are you familiar with the serenity prayer?
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Just for today. Amen."
I'm here for you. This is NOT your fault and you will get through this. I did!!!! (and I was one of the most hopeless case... yet, I found hope and I found healing.)
Another caution... His punching the door is an act of violence and a huge red flag. You didn't do anything to make him punch that door. And if he blames you for that, that's another red flag that his violence could get worse.
Lotsa Love,
Loonybunny
Pac, sorry this is happening. But trust me you will grow stronger out of this. You dont want your DD to grow up around alcohol and pot issues.
Move on and the right guy is waiting for you and I am sure you will meet him soon.
Looney, that is such a great point.
Hi LooneyB
I wanted to thank you again for your thoughtful posts. It means so much! I can take your wisdom, experience and knowing to help me when it's looking dark and scary. It's been such a rapid change of course and I never even saw it coming.
I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful. I'm taking things one day at a time as they say. I have not cut Blue Eyes out of my life but instead I laid down the line and he was more receptive to it than I thought he would have been. He has not been drinking at all around me and from what I can tell he has cut back signifigantly even around his other activities. I know thios sounds improbable, and that it is not likely he can continue to monitor his drinking like his is right now, but all I can do is appreciate his effort and the way he has been respecting my boundaries. The fights put a huge riff between us and so he is treading lightly and being so careful. I pray he decides to get a sponsor. The other day I noticed how fresh and handsom and awake and wonderful he looked...he had been alcohol free for 6 days and I told him how great he looked and how wonderful it was to have him "present" with me. I am not trying to be niave or get my hopes up but I can at least encourage him as he makes these efforts.
Another thing I told him is that I can't ever tolerate violence and when he punched my door it was my wake up call as well as his. He knows that if another outburst happens he will not see me again ever, even as friends. He understands that and I feel better just knowing he knows that.
Wishing you the best
(((HUGS)))
Pac
Thanks for the update. You sound like you are doing very good. You are a very strong woman!! Yes, encouraging him when his behavior improves is a good thing. You've laid down your boundaries and he is respecting them. That's great.
After writing down your boundaries.. it's also a good idea to write down the consequences... How will you respond if he starts drinking around you... Have a "plan of action" written out and in your mind... That way you can remain calm and not get upset.. kinda like a fire drill or fire escape plan. Addicts respond better when we don't get angry... they expect us to get angry and use that as another excuse for drinking/using... They say "I had to get away from her anger so i drank", "She's trying to control me, so i'll show her", "She has a control/anger issue so i need a break from her. i'll drink with my guy pals." I've heard these excuses.... But if you are calm... and say "okay, i'm going to leave now. Call me when you are sober. Love you." It may feel like you are giving him permission to drink, but really you are underplaying his tactic to make YOU the problem. Alcoholics know that when they drink, they shouldn't be.... they don't need us to tell them. And they don't need us to "act" upset... just state so. "You know how it makes me feel when you drink. I'm going to go now. Call me when you are sober."
In my situation, my husband got violent when I started asserting my boundaries... One night he was at a bar and called me to pick him up. In the early stages of my marriage, I was happy to hear from and him and would gladly pick him up... I thought I could control his behavior... But one night, i said, "NO, I'm not picking you up. I'm not going to be around you when you've been drinking. Sober up and then come home." this made him very angry. He caught a cab home, and when he came in he threatened to beat me up. Fortunately, i had the cell phone ready to dial 911. He ran out of the house and the police came to take my statement. My point is, the alcoholic might not be happy at first about your new boundaries... but stick to them! In the long run they are the best thing and they will save your soul!
And, get that book "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie!!!! Another thing to consider is finding a Codependency meeting in your area like CoDA or AlAnon... It really is great to make new friends and get support from others in similar situations.. Sometimes you will feel relieved that others have it worse than you and at other times, you'll learn you are NOT alone in how you feel.
As for me.... I did have a family filled Thanksgiving... I am thankful for MANY things in my life.... Also, after reading your story.... i went back to the Codependency iVillage board and looked up my first post there.... Wow, how my life has changed 100% since then ... back in 2004. How lonely and heartbroken I was.. and everyday I didn't know what would happen... would he drink tonight, spend all our money, yell at me for something, or would it be a normal night.. would we feel like a family... That was a horrible way to live. I am sooo thankful to be out of that relationship. Like I said, i was one of the most stubborn and I tried EVERYTHING.. but someone made me feel better by saying that when I did finally leave, i knew i wasn't a failure. I gave him every opportunity and sooo much grace. I left knowing it was God's will and I am in His hands, always.
One day at a time.
Love,
Loonybunny
I am glad that you and Blue eyes have been able to work through this together--hopefully he does change his ways!
April
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