Saturday Night
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| Sun, 06-03-2007 - 11:01pm |
It was supposed to be a great night. But Shane had to ruin it. He came over to watch Emi because it's not as if he could buy her a little bed or even set up a pallet that she could sleep on at HIS place...
Anyway, we got into it on his way over (don't even recall what it was about now) and anyway, he walked in the house and I came out of my bedroom (my friend was in there too getting ready) and he glared at me and told me not to start with him "aren't you leaving yet???" I told him it was MY house now and he had no right to tell me to leave. Anyhow, I was trying to talk civilly to him but he was in the mood to be an a$$ so be it. He made sure to comment that my tattoos were showing. Okay? I have 2 that were visible and I was wearing a cute sleeveless white top, like a babydoll top with jeans and heels. My hair was curled and I looked nice. He never seemed to be opposed to the tatts when he met me. Seems strange that he waits til now to tell me I look like "trash". Oh yes, trash. He said that.
Well, my friend and I leave and a while later I get a text from him apologizing for that comment and saying he doesn't want to fight with me and he just resents me when he feels I am trying to start something. My friend says it's a game he's playing just to keep me around and playing along. I'm sure it is. Head games...I hate them. I told him in the house I was sick of waiting on him to decide and I was ready to file for divorce if he was not gonna pull his head out of his a$$ long enough to figure out what he wants. I've given him enough time and time was UP!
So my friend and I get to the club so we could go dance and not five minutes later a nice looking gentleman in starched Wrangler jeans, a nice button up shirt and cowboy hat approached me. I turned and smiled and said "Hi!" He introduced himself, shook my hand, and asked me to dance. I absolutely accepted. We talked and he was very sweet, but I am not there looking for companionship. He stayed around a bit but I think he realized I was there just to dance and not to meet anyone. But he was sweet and if I had been ready, I'd have snatched him up. Damned timing! Another few guys came by and one asked my friend to dance and she gladly accepted too. Hey, we were getting lots of attention and it sure made me feel good that someone looked at me like I was desirable.
Upon leaving, two of the guys we met wanted to go grab some food after, but we did decline the offer to go to their house or for them to come to ours with food. We told them it was okay to meet us at a place and eat but that was it. They went to the wrong location and as we were finishing, they showed up at the one where we were sitting. They saw we were done so they went on back home and wanted us to come but I didn't think that was right. Shane then calls me wanting to know where I was. I asked him why and he said he was waiting on me to get back so he could go home. I told him I was on my way and to hold his horses that I went to get a bite with friends after. He had also pissed me off by conveniently forgetting he had to watch Emi this afternoon so I could go do a BeautiControl demo. I had to take her with me and luckily my dad could watch her. He forgot since it was golf. Simple.
My friend now feels like he's sleeping around and tried to encourage me to call those guys over and have a one nighter with them so I could get back at Shane. I had been drinking but even then I could decipher between right and wrong and how would I feel about myself if I had done that? Plus I don't know what Shane is doing. He said he'd call today but Sunday seems to be "ignore the family day" for him. He never calls on Sunday. Never shows. Leads me to believe he MIGHT have a twit on the side to which I say, he better not because Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I will make sure he suffers a lot of pain if he is doing anything remotely like that.
But I will not stoop to his level. I just know this...I need a divorce and now. I want this to be over. I know that he expects ME to change but will never change himself. He has to agree to be different in order for this to be a working marriage and it can't be because he's too stuck in his arrogance to know how badly he makes me feel. I don't want to be with a man who thinks I look like trash after accepting what he no longer approves of for so long. No one wants to be told they look like trash. That is just insulting and mean. And I'm done.
~Mel~

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He only called you "trash" cause you looked DAMN HOT and he KNEW IT!
Don't worry about his opinion of you- you know you looked great, and obviously other people felt the same way.
As far as the divorce, if you're ready, you're ready, and telling Shane isn't going to change that.
I'm glad you're getting on with your life, and hope for the best for you.
Moody, hopeful for you
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Started the job today and it's great. Of course it always is good at first since they want yo to feel at home. But time will tell after I've been doing it a while. Seems like people are happy there. And they love that I have come on board. They needed someone.
I don't really care what he says. But I am hating what my friend feels about what she thinks he might be doing. I know that if I ask, he will deny it even if it's true. But I hope he isn't screwing around just because he knows what it did to me before when my X did. I'd hope he'd have enough respect to not do that. Honestly, I just cannot believe he is. I just can't.
He sent me a text this AM telling me he is proud of me and my new job and then this afternoon called me to see how it was going. I appreciated that but still, I'm not happy with his behavior. Not in the least. Because I cannot afford a standard divorce, I have looked into online uncontested divorces. It says even with kids we can do it. It's only 239 dollars and I can pay it in 2 installments. I can do that. I don't want to. I hate this. I still love this man. I wish he'd just tell me what he's thinking so I knew if I had a glimmer of hope to hold onto, but he just won't tell me anything.
I still feel so much love in my heart and it is killing me...a little each day. I don't want my heart to grow tired and to lose all hope in a good life for myself. My friend who I was with the other night wants to move to her hometown about 3 hours from here. She says we can do so well there...it's near Houston. She says the job market is booming and the housing is great too. Plus the quality of men is better than here. We looked at stuff online about the area and sure enough, it is nice. I know I could be happy there, but what about Dylan being uprooted? What about my new job? She thinks it would be unhealthy for me to live here if I divorce because I could run into Shane while out and see him with another girl one day and it will be devastating. She is only looking out for me. I know that. But if I run again like I did before, how strong will I be? I think if I stayed and faced him, I'd see that one day I'd be okay with it. She said she really wants to go and refuses to leave me here alone. I love her so much for that, but I cannot see myself starting over again in a new spot. But maybe that is what I need. A fresh start.
He's coming over tonight and I want to see if he'll talk to me. Nothing pushy about the future...just a talk.
What advice does wnyone have for all of this?
~Mel~
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I think the best thing to do is be honest and say, "Look Shane, I do love you with all my heart, but you not talking to me about what you want here is leaving me in limbo and I'm tired of it.
Do you live near me? Seriously, you and I need a good night on the town....without exes and without flakies.
Keep getting out there with your girl pals!! It can be fun to check out the guys and girl talk without expecting too much. I love it when I'm out with the girls and we just laugh and flirt... and get a couple free drinks too.
I live in East Texas. So if you are anywhere near that, we should hook up for a night out sometime.
Well, today, my friend texts me at work to tell me she has decided to move. Well, there it is...my only friend here is going away after she said she'd never leave me here alone. I told her I couldn't go and she wanted to know why. UMMMM...well, I started a new job, and I don't want to uproot my son and well...I still love Shane. I called him to tell him about it, in tears and he said not to worry that he wasn't going anywhere. I asked him what that meant and he said he'd have to talk to me later. Then I got a text that said everything was going to be alright. I don't know. What does he mean??? He has not been by yet so I am anxious to hear what he has to say. Does he have a change of heart? This has bugged me since 3 today.
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Aw shucks... I live in Virginia. But the next time I'm in Texas, I'll let you know.
I understand emotional abusive men.... my exhusband was a class act abuser. And he knew all the manipulative words to say to get at my heart strings.... to keep me guessing and yes, because he didn't want anyone else to have me. Have you ever read the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans? Wonderful book that opened my eyes and gave me hope.
But don't beat yourself up for loving him (i don't know if you were or not). You are a good person and you try to see the good in him. I still love my ex but not in the way that I want to get back with him. I've let him go and I've moved on... but I love him in that I wish him well for his life. I forgive him, AND I don't want to live that way anymore.
I agree that he sounds like he's just manipulating you while you are feeling down about your friend moving. He's seeing an opening and he's sticking his foot in it. I hope you stay on your course of getting a divorce. It's one day at a time.
>>Maybe he wants you hanging around just to make sure no one else can have you, not because he wants you himself (it worked that night you went out, since you weren't in the mood to get to know some nice guys).<< I can relate to this statement because I think beachguy was doing the same thing to me friday night... lying to me to keep me on a string so i wouldn't notice the other guys. It's all a learning experience.
Love,
Loonybunny
I really appreciate that. Well, my friend is not moving away, she decided to stay here and have us find a house together that is big enough for us and the kids even if she and I have to share a room for a while til we get on our feet.
Anyway, I am going to file as of June 15 when I have the money. The ONLY way he could convince me not to is if he said he'd work on things with me and go to counseling twice a month for at least 6 months to start, get into a program to heal him of his porn addiction and maybe I will not file right away. Let's face it, I know he will refuse so the question is already answered. He has no intention of changing. Why do I love him so much? Because of who he WAS. Because I recall that person who looked at me like I was the only person in the world, the way he kissed me, the way he held me...etc. I felt like I was in a dream and maybe I was. I mean reality has slapped me int he face. His own family cannot deal with him...no one else will either. He's never going to be happy with anyone because no one will be able to understand him. He's too complicated.
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