Scared to death of starting over....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Scared to death of starting over....
6
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 9:06pm
I got out of a physically, verbally, and sexually abusive relationship almost two years ago, and I am the single mother of my beautiful 3 year old daughter. Two months ago, I met the most wonderful man. He is the first man I have dated since I left my daughter's father, and he truly makes me happy. I honestly do not believe I could find anyone sweeter or more chivalrous. My dilemma comes in two parts. The first is that he does not know my history. My ex has not bothered me since I left him, but I am petrified that he will once the restraining order ends in 2007. Is it wrong to wait until I foresee a future with this new man to fill in the holes? The second part is that he is in the process of getting divorced. I am reluctant to give my heart away again as it is, but I would be crushed if this divorce makes him bitter about commitment. I feel that it's too soon to be discussing these things with him. I may be "taking things slow" to an extreme.... I haven't even given him my phone number yet because I'm so scared to put myself out there, but I definitely don't want to give him up. Neurotic, I know :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 10:53pm
There will be a time to tell him about your past, and it will be before 2007. You will know when the right time is. But if he is in the process of a divorce, and you are just out of such a horrible relationship, it is wise to take things slowly and don't give your heart away quickly. You have to make sure you can stand on your own too feet for your dd's sake, with or without this man in your life.

Photobucket

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 5:02pm

I can understand your fear, and I do NOT think you are Neurotic! Not at all.


You are being wise in keeping your guard up a little. Only you can tell when you're ready to give out your phone number, or reveal your past, or even commit fully to another man. You have all the time in the world. There's nothing that says you have to follow a different time frame than what you're comfortable with.


Is the man that you're currently seeing pressuring you for more? Given what you've been through, if he were, I'd run screaming if I were you.


Two months isn't that awfully long. And as you said, he's going through a divorce. I've never been big on encouraging ANYONE to get very involved if either party is going through a divorce OR healing from one.


Hugs to you and take your time. Your post was full of comments that made it clear that while you think maybe you ought to feel more open, you just simply aren't there. And I think that's ok. It's a big enough step to be dating someone. Enjoy the fun, and take it easy on the rest.


Glad you posted! Welcome and I hope you keep posting.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 6:59pm

Becky,

Thanks for the welcome!

The man I am currently seeing has never pressured me for more than I have offered him. We correspond via email, and through a mutual friend. He might think I'm crazy, but he doesn't seem to have a problem with that :) A big part of me wants to be more open, but that takes trust, which is a concept I'm much more careful with these days. When I do reveal my past, I want to say it in a way that doesn't scream, "Watch your back" or "Protect me". I think it should be more of an "I'm this way because...." conversation. Does that make sense? I don't want any "poor me" sympathy. I think I'm doing okay, besides the fact that I live with my parents :)

Instead of finding an apartment the day I left my ex, my parents offered my daughter and me a rent-free place to live while I went back to school. I will be graduating next May with my first college degree, and will be finding an apartment at that time. I'll do whatever it takes to provide for my daughter and give her the best life possible.

I'm a little nervous that the man I'm seeing is going through a divorce, but I guess only time will reveal his intentions.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:20pm

Hi and welcome to the board!

I agree with the two previous posts that you should be cautious here. Not as much because of your past, and I am really glad you were able to break free of that kind of hell, but because of the combination of his divorce and this. You will know if and when to share the past with your new guy. But before you even get to that point, you probably should know if there is a real potential there. And with his divorce still pending and you not able to be comfortable totally with him, I think this will be a long road.

Don't be afraid to tell him. Any man worth his weight will understand that you did nothing wrong and that you are actually a very strong woman for being able to break free and start again. He will admire you for that. Obviously, yes, there may be some scary moments if your ex re-surfaces but a guy who just runs away, isn't worth your time anyway. So wait until you feel at the point that it's needed and necessary and tell him. If he's one of the good ones, he'll take it in stride and be there for you.
If not, you won't have to waste any time on him.

I hope you will continue to post and let us get to know you.
Hugs
Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 1:47pm
His divorce isn't finalized. You have been separated for two years, but he's only just walking out of a relationship...I fear that you're setting yourself up for heartache. I know that when I just separated I wasn't ready for another long term relationship...fun times, yes, but a relationship? No way. Short term exclusive? possibly. Marriage? NO WAY.
Anyway, your question is about when to bring up your history...my own personal experience with dating is that men who are interested in pursuing a relationship wtih you will bring up those things on the first date or two. They will bluntly ask why you got divorced. If they don't ask those questions, they're mostly interested in having a good time and not getting 'heavy'. Like them, I believe that sooner is better than later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 8:05am
Thank you all for your replies! Your wise advice has made me even more cautious about my semi-relationship, but I'm thankful that my concerns brought me to this message board... Thanks again!