Scared - A Fix?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Scared - A Fix?
4
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 3:38pm

I was with the same man for almost 10 years, we were married for part of those years. he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. After him, I dated someone who treated me better, but ended up being very very immature for his age. though I healed a lot from my previous relatoinship during this one, I couldn't handle the way things were going (which was no where) and once again, I went through a very painful break up. I've taken a lot of time out for myself and my child lately. I've found that I do have confidence to do things, I am happy, I'm talented and accomplished in life.

I've not been looking for a new relatoinship, but have been talking to guys, making friends, and have figured out that I will find someone eventually, but I'm not pushing for it any time soon.

after a few pointless dates with guys I met out, my best friend has set me up on a date. She is so excited. I'm not. She was afraid that I thought she'd be mad if I don't like him. But that's not it. I'm not scared about not liking him. I'm scared that I will. I'm so scared that he will be sweet and caring and nice (just like she said he'd be) and that I'll really like him. I'm so scared of getting hurt again, of having someone lie to me when it is convenient for them, of giving to someone and not having them give back...

how do I get over this? how do I push away the feelings of doubt and anxiety?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:15pm

Hi there and welcome to our board.

I think you have good reason to be scared based on what you have been through. But I also think that you should take the time to arm yourself with the ammunition you need - and that is knowledge. In other words, face your fears and overcome them.

Do you have issues in your past or childhood that might make you choose the wrong partner - by this I mean an absent parent or dysfunctional home? What is the common denominator for your failures? Are you too worried about what the other person thinks and wanting to please them?

Discovering your past will help you figure out why you have made bad choices. I think that journaling can help this quite a bit - and getting counseling is even better.

It also helps to read good relationship books and to have some personal mentors - people who have good relationships - to help you discover what one really is. You have to understand what it takes to have a good relationship so you can have the knowledge and faith that you will have one.

It would also help for you to make a list of 10 things you HAVE to have in a partner - maybe it is healthy emotional state, religious similarity, financial responsibility, family values, ability to be affectionate, etc. Whatever is important to you, write it down. You should also make a list of 10 things you cannot stand - for example - those might include doing drugs, being lazy, poor money habits, bad temper, etc.

If you know what you have to have you will have a plan - and then you can stick to it. Instead of being worried about what the other person wants, you can try to discover if the person you are dating meets your requirements for a relationship partner. You can discard someone who does not meet your needs or who has red flags, rather than just hope they will like you enough to change.

If you work on being happy alone then you will have better standards for who you date - you will not be lonely or needy if you have a good life with a lot of friends - you will be picky. I detect that this is a big stage you need to go through so you can be strong and be happy alone and be over your past painful relationships.

Finally, I would like to add that we are all meant to be loved. And we will all find love if we seek it out the right way. This does take time and patience.

To get love you do have to be willing and able to take a chance. It would be more sad for you to be alone, thinking everyone will hurt you, than for you to dip a cautious toe into the dating pool and see what happens. Go slower and wait and see what your date's intentions and actions are.

If you post your story here as you date you will receive a wealth of opinions and information. We can help you along the way. Also, if you read others posts and give them your opinion you will learn a lot too. You will see that we are all in the same boat. And that many of us do succeed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 10:19am

((((HUGS)))))

Thank you so much for your thoughts and opinions and advice. I appreciate it greatly!

And yes, I will look through the boards and see what else I can find. Plus, I'll post how the date goes. it's a complete blind date, so it ought to be interesting.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 6:57pm
That is good - have fun and then come back and post the details!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 9:59pm
I don't think I can top the advice that Judy gave you, but I can just simply say: Don't judge someone because someone else caused you pain. Remember, not everyone is alike. Good luck!