Scared to really reenter dating scene

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Scared to really reenter dating scene
19
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:40pm

Hi all! Brand new to this board, but I guess it's because I'm brand new to dating again. My exhusband finally left after years and years of cheating. I guess he found "the one." I'm over that now. We're friends not only for the fact of our two children, but for the fact that we like each other...still. So anyway I finally nursed my wounds and decided to get back into the dating scene. I met a great guy. I've realized he wasn't that interested in me. We went out a total of 5 times and then 3 additional times he came over just to hang out. So anyway we talked on a daily basis, until he just started to limit the calls. I finally called it quits, because I'm too old to play games. But now I'm really scared. One it's hard for me to actually meet and then approach men. Two, How can I be on the same page as someone? I mean with this guy I was seeing, I loved spending time with him. Talking to him was somehow easy. I thought I felt a connection. However, he aparently didn't feel the same. I don't know. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to say, screw it. I have my kids, I don't need companionship. But I'm 26. If I lived to 27 that would be a viable option, but I plan on living a lot longer. Any advice? Because I'm extremely clueless at this point

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 3:15am
Well I am 30 and a single mom of a 5-year-old boy. I was cheated on and mentally abused in my marriage, and dating even after over two years is just still hard for me. It is hard to put yourself out there. My best advice is to just have fun at your own pace and do not try too hard. I made that mistake and many others. Every date or dating relationship I have had has taught me things about myself. So you may not find Mr. Right but you can have fun while doing it and learn things about yourself and what you do and do not want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:17am
It's hard to really like someone and see relationship potential when the other person doesn't. It is very common for one person to distance themselves after a few months if they aren't feeling the same as the other person. Maybe the next person you meet will be into you but you will be the one not feeling it. It's just a (sometimes grueling) process that you have to go through if you want to find someone else to share your life with. It's usually worth taking the risk though, there are big rewards if you find that man that is loving, caring, respectful, and who you trust and admire.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 9:51am

Shannon,

Don't be discouraged over your most recent experience. Look at it as practice. Last year, I date a jerk for 6 or 7 months. He wasn't that interested in me, but didn't want to let me go either. I finally broke it off with him and I felt very discouraged.

However, I started dating a man almost 3 months ago who just took me by surprise. We're so compatible and I love dating him. We're happy and relaxed with each other. And, I am so RELIEVED I broke up with my ex in time to start dating the man I'm with now.

My point of this post is to tell you that dating is a surprise. And, you never know what will happen next. A really good thing can happen just as easily as a disappointment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 10:37am

The more you date, the more you learn what you want and don't want.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 11:12am

Welcome to our board. You will get great advice here - you should stay - and visit us every day. I have learned a lot.

All I can say to you is that you have to have a tough skin - not every guy is looking for a relationship/marriage - and not every guy will see you as the one.

But the good news is that you only have to find one guy who will see you as the one.

The best book is "He's Just Not That Into You"

I don't think you have to do a lot or try very hard. Just be all you can be and keep your standards high and then poof - out of no where - prince charming will sweep you away. You never know where or when this will be.

Fivesense has a good story - I believe that can happen to all of us. The trick is to be patient and not waste time with someone who is "not that into you."

Good luck and welcome!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 11:44am

Welcome, welcome, welcome Shannon.......I hope you stay on this board, it's a great group of women and we've ALL had our various experiences and you'll receive diverse opinions.

Here is mine to your post. Maybe I need some better understanding of your situation, so I want to ask you a few questions and then re-evaluate...

How long were you married?

How long have you been single and started dating? How long have you nursed your wounds?

I find that your sentence: "I'm over that now. We're friends not only for the fact of our two children, but for the fact that we like each other...still."

A bit strange. Don't get me wrong, but it reminds me a bit of my situation with my X husband. I didn't get angry enough for all the cheating, the lieing he did to me. I still called him my friend. He is not your friend. You need to get that out of your head. He hurt you, cheated on you for years. This man wouldn't treat his friends that way. The way I see it, is you still care for him and have friendship as an excuse and I think dating this one guy, came across that way, that your aren't yet over the relationship. Not if this just happened and not if you have been going through this for years. Your more in denial. Please don'T take this as harsh critisim, I went through the SAME exact thing, because I said I was doing it for the kids, but in reality, I was just not ready to let go and when I started dating, I was talking about him or the guy I dated sensed that I had not let go. Maybe you talked TO MUCH about the things that happened to you and that was his sense that you just weren't healed yet. Healing takes years. I am 33, I have been divorced for 4yrs now and I just started healing recently. Not just with my X, but with my other past relationships. I have just recently learned to want to learn to like myself and have faith in myself. Note, I said I am just learning to want.. It isn't done and I have a long road to go, but I do things that I normally didn't. I was dating, left, right and center. Every 6 weeks someone new for almost 3yrs. In the last 6 months, I was on 3 dates with one guy and I let him off the hook, because I smelled a rat. In my denial days, I would NEVER have wanted to see it, I would of walked around blind. Now, I notice things quicker, I know what I want, and I know how I want things. I get asked out all the time, but I no longer say yes. I say, I am not interested, when I am not interested and when I have a gut feeling it isn't right. All those things took sooooooo much time. Most of the ladies on here, were able to stop dating right away. I didn't, I went started after 9 months and went in full strong with the biggest creeps. I still meet creeps, but like I said, I know one when I see one now. I go with my gut feeling and how he treats me and others. Check out the red flags post that we had last week. It's funny and true and interesting. It will help you with what signs to look out for.

Your scared, so that's normal, so was I. Things to do, are to do things you always wanted to do but didn'T have time when being married. Find yourself. That is what most of us have done and we are so much more healthier for it in our attitudes. We all have our down days, but in reality, we are much stronger because we are all active. For instance, I love to go out with my girlfriends. Lately, their wasn't much of a chance, but we've planned again. Online dating is fun, but don't take it to seriously. We have women that have found their dream men, husbands or just creeps. I have the creeps, but I have made great pen pals on it. Just platonic, nothing more. Keep your mind on not thinking of dating. Do you go to church? I don't quite a few do and have certain support groups, etc. maybe one of those single events. Those are great fun to attend. I do with my girlfriend.
Excercise if you enjoy that. Take classes ( a pottery class, a marketing class or whatever you like) or teach classes if you have a knack for something. Candy and I teach English. I teach German kids and adults and she teaches Spanish people English. Get out and find yourself again. Learn to love yourself again. This is the hardest to do. Believe me!

Hope to see your around more often and learn more about you.

- -Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 12:27pm

Welcome shannon,


glad you're here.


My first thought on your post is, your wounds are still pretty new. Dating does tend to keep opening new wounds. Maybe you should consider doing some other social things for right now. Get into some activity or organization you've always been interested in. Find friends, but not necessarily dates. And figure out what YOU really want to do before you attach to another guy.


We all get scared, we all freak out sometimes. You're quite normal.


Take care of you, no one else will.


Candi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:12pm

Catherine,
You're probably right. I was married for five years, together for 8. we've been divorced for six months. Three years ago, I found out he cheated for the first time and of course was devestated. I was determined to leave, but didn't. I don't think I ever truly got over that incident. When I found out about the most recent woman, I wasn't as broken up about it. I think I really stopped loving him three years ago. I think I consider us friends, because I can actually carry on a conversation with him and not long for him to come back. Actually that idea sickens me. However, I can see where that history can hinder future relationships. I am not one to talk about it. Even with this first guy, when he'd askabout the ex, I'd answer but be very brief. Maybe though I am over him, I'm not over the hurt. Ah there's a lightbulb. Believe me, I am not looking to jump into a relationship right now. What I hope for is to just spend time with someone who enjoys spending time with me. Maybe I'm rushing things a bit. Thanks so much for the dose of reality!

Shannon

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:32pm

I don't think you will ever really be over the pain he has caused you - I just think that in time you will learn to live with it and you will focus on other things - it will move to the background so to speak. I think that it will always rear its ugly head when something reminds you of that.

I do think you should just take the time to really work on you - do things around the house, let the dust settle, find new friends and take up some interests. Then you will be strong enough to withstand the rigors of dating.

I think the important thing is that you love yourself and love your own life. That way you are not dependent on someone else for your happiness and you won't wear your heart on your sleeve and accept something substandard because you are bored or lonely. You have to be strong enough to have high standards.

Tell us more about you if you are comfortable - do you have kids? I have one - he is 8. I have been on my own for 4 years. My husband, unlike yours, did not cheat on me. But I was pretty far down on his priority pole - underneath his mother for sure.

Mostly I am over the pain and dissappointment of a failed marriage. But the pain and hole in my heart is not really gone it is just smaller now. Sometimes something will remind me of the things that made me sad and I will be sad. Although this is not frequently or for very long.

I feel strong now and relish my freedom and singledom. This has taken me about 2 years of not dating to get to that. It is not really a choice not to date - I just don't pursue it and I have not been asked out by anyone I want to say yes to!

Does this help? I hope it does somehow. Hugs to you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:41pm

"What I hope for is to just spend time with someone who enjoys spending time with me."

Be careful, Shannon. Some guys are looking for that but they want sex with no strings attached and in my opinion, that is a real easy way for a girl to get hurt. It is hard for us to separate passion from love.

But by the same time, there is nothing wrong with you fixing yourself up real nice and looking great everywhere you go and getting asked out and dating on a casual basis.

Keep your chin up, girl!! Smile!! And feel beautiful from the inside!!

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