Scared to really reenter dating scene
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| Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:40pm |
Hi all! Brand new to this board, but I guess it's because I'm brand new to dating again. My exhusband finally left after years and years of cheating. I guess he found "the one." I'm over that now. We're friends not only for the fact of our two children, but for the fact that we like each other...still. So anyway I finally nursed my wounds and decided to get back into the dating scene. I met a great guy. I've realized he wasn't that interested in me. We went out a total of 5 times and then 3 additional times he came over just to hang out. So anyway we talked on a daily basis, until he just started to limit the calls. I finally called it quits, because I'm too old to play games. But now I'm really scared. One it's hard for me to actually meet and then approach men. Two, How can I be on the same page as someone? I mean with this guy I was seeing, I loved spending time with him. Talking to him was somehow easy. I thought I felt a connection. However, he aparently didn't feel the same. I don't know. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to say, screw it. I have my kids, I don't need companionship. But I'm 26. If I lived to 27 that would be a viable option, but I plan on living a lot longer. Any advice? Because I'm extremely clueless at this point
Shannon

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>>>I think I consider us friends, because I can actually carry on a conversation with him and not long for him to come back. Actually that idea sickens me.<<<
You said the idea sickens you that you can talk to you and not want him back. It sounds like there is some unresolved issue under there somewhere, if you can be cordial to each other that is good, it shouldn't make you feel bad inside.
I am cordial with my ex, but I stay away from the term friends. Friends implys that we care about each other and do things that friends do. We talk sometimes twice a day about our dd (we have joint physical custody) but we do not ask how each other is doing, how work is going, how we are feeling, or discuss any other personal matter (unless it somehow impacts dd and we have to discuss it). We are not friends. We are more like acquaintences. The term that fits best is co-parents.
Oh, thanks for clarifying that.
I discouraged my ex from talking about anything personal because I wanted/needed to set that boundary. I don't think it's bad for you to wish each other a good day. In my case that kind of talk would encourage my ex to tell me way too much information, and his feelings are not my problem anymore (I was always responsible for fixing them in our marriage).
In any case, it wouldn't hurt to ditch the friends label. You can still keep talking and being nice to each other :)
When my Husband and I separated and I thought he was my friend, I did the same thing as you. I told him everything. Now I tell him nothing. It took years to set those boundaries because I THOUGHT when we first met and how we were, that we were best friends. It was all a lie, but still I didn't realize until it was WAY to late, so habits die hard. I also called him, honey or babe for over a year or would accidently say I love you, because those were all things I had a habit of doing several times a day. I know the feeling of kicking yourself in the butt, because I am the type of person that tends to want to kick myself often. LOL
- Catherine
Shannon,
All of the ladies have given you some great advice. I have to agree with someting Candi said. You've been divorced for a very short time. Try getting out of the house for social events. And have fun with girlfriends. Getting out and being with other adults will help you heal and boost your confidence. Sometimes dating can sap your confidence, but getting out with friends is always good for you.
I think you should cut down on the friendly chit chat with your ex. I have to do this with mine. We talk about our son and only the necessary things. It helps maintain good boundaries. Talk about your children, but if he starts asking about *you* then that's the time to bail on the conversation. He doesn't need to know if you're dating or not. He doesn't need to know if you're happy or sad. He just doesn't need to know anymore.
West mentioned "He's Just Not That Into You". I recommend that book too. It openned my eyes.
Tricia
I've read that book and loved it. I actually learned a lot. After reading it I realized that the guy I was dating wasn't into me, so I ended it. Which was sad, because we had a lot of similar interests. Okay, now here's something funny. Talk about perfect timing. I realized last night, through all of the posts, that the ex and I can't be friends. Friendly, yes. Friends, no. So a little bit of history, before the shocker. We filed our income taxes together. We talked and figured out that we'd get more back and since we were married the majority of 2004, it would be to our benefit. So anyway we still have our joint bank account open, so we can place money in it to pay for the children. (child care, clothing, any extras.)We both have access to this account. We each have our own separate account as well for our own bills and play money. So anyway we had our tax refund put into the joint account, so we could both have access to take our half of the money out. I checked the account today and saw that he's taken his half out, plus the majority of mine. Would friends do this to each other? Okay, so I did realize last night, we couldn't be friends,now this just is the icing on the cake. I guess it shows how ignorant I am. No more! I don't even know if I can even be civil at this point. It's not like he stole from me, but he took from his kids. Which might be a good thing now. I'm so angry, that I don't want to even see another man. Now I won't be so preoccupied on finding a date, that I can actually work on not being a doormat. Life's hardest trials do teach you the most. So thanks again. I just wish I would have found you all before all of this. So I'm still going to stick around. Hopefully under the board name of "Single Mothers and (soon to be) Dating."
Shannon
Do men have some website or mens's club that they all have to join, because mine did the EXACT same thing. He stole out all the money from the kids account to pay for him and his mistresses holidays. Almost 3 thousand dollars. I was shocked! I was supposed to also do the taxes with him, but after I found that out, my friendship was ruined as well. LOL. I did my own taxes and lost over 2 thousand. It killed me, but I know it killed him and I decided I rather STARVE then let him steal me again. HOney, he did steal, that WAS your tax money, what's even worse he STOLE from his KID'S; like mine did. WHAT A CREEP! Don't make excuses that he didn't steal from you, because he did worse, he stole from his OWN FLESH AND BLOOD and he did steal from you. Or was it only his money? I don't think sooooooooooooo. You have a job right? You paid income tax right? Call your lawyer and get that man nailed to the floor. Boy am I ticked! I have a mind to fly over from Germany, just to kick his whimpy butt.
ARGH! Shannon! GET ANGRY and let him know you aren'T anyone's DOORMAT. Get that money back, if you have to fight with tooth and nail. I got mine back, every penny and it wasn't pretty, but it was my childrens money and it belonged to their well being.
He sounds like an official member of the jerky exh club now.
I think it is good you have a fire going. You will need to set some definite boundaries with him and keep them - I had to do that with my exh and am still paving the path along the way.
Now you won't trust him - which you should never trust your exh in my opinion.
I find that we get along when we have very minimal contact and only about my ds. Maximum politeness with minimal contact and info is my policy. Oh - and the saying, "that just doesn't work that well for me" usually comes into play, too, because he is the "inconsiderate springer" - that is he springs something inconsiderate on me at the last minute and only thinks of himself.
And here is one more saying, too, could be good for an exh or a future bf: "no slack, no mercy, no regrets!"
HAH! Keep us posted. I am so glad you joined us!!
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