A Second Chance

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Registered: 05-05-2004
A Second Chance
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Tue, 12-21-2004 - 1:53pm

I was just about to go to bed last night, and my phone rang. It was Mark. I hadn't talked to him since July. The conversation was light and general; he asked me how my kids were, my cats, job, etc. Then he got real serious. He told me he went back to his old fiance, and I said "I know". I remember posting about my suspicions, and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I knew in my heart he went back to her, although he never said the words. I guess there is something to woman's intuition. Anyway, he went on to say that he tried to make it work, and he realized that it wasn't going to, and he ended, for good this time, and he will never go back. He said he wanted to call me many times. He apologized for hurting me, and for being selfish, and all the bad things he did. Then he asked me if I would give him a second chance and go out with him again. He wants to meet somewhere so we could talk. I was hesitant, and he asked me if I was scared. I said, hell yeah I'm scared, I don't want to get hurt again. He said, trust me, and I said, no, you have to earn my trust. I told him he didn't end things well, and he could have done it better and that he didn't treat me very well at the end, so right now, it's hard for me to trust.

The honest truth is that I never got over him. I miss him and the friendship we shared. We had a lot of great times together. I came to peace with the situation, through counseling, but I never totally forgot about him. I told my counselor many times that of all the people I ever dated, I really thought Mark and I were a good pair and that we had a lot of potential. My counselor told me that what happened had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him; he wasn't over his last relationship, simple as that, and that until he got over that other relationship, he couldn't build one with me. I guess our timing was just off. So, I didn't beat myself up over it, I just tried to forget about him and get on with my life. But for some strange reason, and I really don't know what it is, over the last week or two, I had been thinking about him quite a bit, which was strange, because I hadn't thought about him in a while.

I just got done talking to my friend here at work about this. She really doesn't think he deserves a second chance, but she knows I'll do what I want to anyway. She said she has seen the same kind of thing many times with her other friends, and sometimes the second time around works, and sometimes it doesn't. She just doesn't want to see me get hurt. Her advice to me was to talk to him, be cautious, keep my eyes open, see where it goes, but continue to go out with my cousin and see other people.

I'd like to talk to him, face to face. There are a lot of things I never got a chance to say to him, and I'd like that opportunity. Just like before, I can tell when he's BS'ing me, especially in person. I'd be a big fat liar if I said that I didn't want to see him again, because I do. I just want to be cautious and not jump in with both feet. I'd like to see how sincere he is. I feel everything is up to him. I don't intend on calling him. It will be interesting to see if he was genuine in what he wanted or if he was just blowing smoke up my butt. If he wants me, he is going to have to work to get me back. I know that sounds mean, but if I don't have that attitude, he'll walk all over me. I don't want to make it too easy for him.

I know a lot of you out there will read this and think I'm completely nuts. My friend played devil's advocate, and I really appreciated her input. And I would appreciate the opinions of everyone on the board also, even if you don't agree with me. Maybe I am nuts. I can't really explain why I was never able to completely get over him. Maybe there's something there; and maybe there's not. I'd like to see if there is something there; so I can not wonder "what if"; and so I can either grow in a relationship with him or put it to rest once and for all if there is nothing there.

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 4:54pm

Give him a second chance ONLY as a dating partner. Go slow - no sex until you really think it will work. Try to go out with your cousin and meet other people too. You have nothing to lose.

I agree with your counselor that what happened had nothing to do with you.

AND before you get hot and heavy with him, read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" so you will have a good understanding of what you should expect as far as good behavior from a guy.

Do you really think he has what it takes to commit and give you what you want? I don't know your history with him. I think you should evaluate if he has what you need - what he can bring to your table. Think about the long-term, not just the comfort of companionship which is short term.




Edited 12/21/2004 5:13 pm ET ET by west1745
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 5:09pm

Donna, all I can think to say is there are a couple of people in my life who I never really quite "got over". They hold a special place in my heart and they always will. But that doesn't mean they were good for them. This isn't to say that I am by ANY MEANS in love with anyone by my husband, so I hope you know what I mean.


I don't love the cliche phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" but honestly, if a man can break your trust and even THINK about breaking a commitment behind your back (let alone contacting someone else while being exclusive with you) how can you ever feel confident in the relationship? Being married and working through it is one thing. You're already there and it's worth the effort to salvage if you have what it takes. But Donna, why would you willingly settle for someone so short on integrity in this area? You can make a better choice. You yourself said you are "at peace" with things as they are. You have to just give the wound time to heal. I feel concerned that you'll just rip it all back open and the payoff won't be anywhere near worth it.


I think it would be a bad idea based on what you've told us here.


Just my humble opinion. My best to you while you sort through a very difficult decision.


HUG

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 5:31pm

Hi Donna,


I'm not up on all the latest in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 7:24pm

WOW maggie!

That post was SOOOO well written! I totally agree with EVERYTHING you said!

I think that this guy IS just knocking on your door cause things didn't work out with the other woman, so he's running back to you because you're an easy mark. He won't work hard to win you back, cause he is figuring that you were just pining away for him and will JUMP on the opportunity to get back together with him.

DON'T SETTLE FOR BEING HIS FALL BACK SECOND CHOICE.

If he had wanted you in the first place he wouldn't have sought out anyone else. For him to leave you for the ex, that was just immature and disrespectful.

I know that you will make your own decision about this, but I will say: If you do give him a chance, know that he CAN and WILL pull the same thing on you he did before. Then where will you be? Upset, and angry with yourself for allowing it to happen and second time. If he left you to pursue a "chance" with an ex, what's to say he won't leave you to pursue a chance with someone else? And then, if you take him back, he would just figure, "oh, well she took me back last time, she'll take me back again, I can walk all over her and treat her like yesterday's garbage, but she'll be so grateful to have a boyfriend that she'll forget all about it."

So my vote? FORGET HIM AND SAY NO!!!

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 7:53pm

Maggie:

Thank you for such a thoughtful response; I got tears in my eyes. It means a lot coming from you because I remember reading your story about how you and Chris broke up, found each other again, and then ended up married. You could have easily told me, "take the second chance, it worked for me". Instead, you set out a lot of possibilities for me to think about. You said so many things that made sense to me, that I just didn't think of. I have to say that I was so struck by his phone call that I never considered that this is the holidays, and maybe his timing has something to do with being alone for the holidays, like you said.

The thing that struck me the most was this: "that even though the new opportunities in your life are exciting, they are also a little scary and out of the norm for you (meeting new guys, getting out more, not getting so attached so quick), that you are lonely and struggling with the holidays, and all that makes Mark seem more enticing to you". You hit it exactly. Even though I had a great time on Saturday, the process of dating and meeting new people is very scary to me. It's certainly easier to go with what I know (Mark) than to enter into unchartered territory.

"it's not a good time of the year for many people to make big decisions, especially emotional/relationship decisions." "Could you at least put this away and deal with maybe seeing him (if you feel you must) after the holidays are over?" This shouldn't be too hard to do at all. I have my kids on Christmas Day and the whole weekend, and on New Years' Eve and the whole weekend. It would be several weeks before I'm free anyway. And I think you're right; I will be thinking more clearly after the holidays are over with.

As for being alone, you're right, it does take time to be comfortable by yourself. I was alone for 2 years after my exh left, and in between each of the two long-term relationships I had, I was alone for brief periods of time. I wouldn't say that I am afraid to be alone. I learned the valuable lesson of being alone is better than being in a horrible relationship. I can't say that I've mastered it yet, but I handle being alone better now than I did 7 years ago when my exh left. I think it has more to do with who called me. If any of my other ex-boyfriends called me, I wouldn't even consider seeing them again. There's just something about Mark that's still so unsettled with me.

"Know this....since always being with somebody has been the norm in your adult life, there is no mystery or magic in the fact that you have feelings/longings for Mark now. He was your last serious boyfriend. It's only natural that your heart/emotions long for what you thought you had with him...especially now during the holidays." Thanks for saying that. I needed to hear that because I was beginning to think there was something wrong with my brain for even wanting to see him again.

As for our history, I met Mark last January. He broke off his engagement with his ex, whom he had been with for 5 years, just six months before. In hindsight, I probably should have walked away because that wasn't enough healing time. But, he told me it was over, and I believed him. Everything seemed fine, things were progressing, slowly, but progressing, then they suddenly stopped. I suspected his ex-fiance was back in the picture, but I had no proof. He stopped calling, and I let it go. I wasn't about to chase after him. I can't say that the first month he was gone wasn't hard, because it was. Of any of the guys I dated, I would say, with the exception of my exh, Mark and I were the most compatable. We have a lot in common, and there is a strong chemistry there. I talked to him on the phone for almost 3 weeks before we ever met face to face, and we developed a good friendship in that time. We got along great and had a great time. I had more fun in 6 months with Mark than I did with any other guy I dated, combined. Mark was different than any guy I ever dated before, and that's why I think when it ended it was hard for me to let go. We really were friends first, as corny as that sounds. We would talk for hours on the phone, about everything and anything. There is a comfort level that I had with him that I never had with anyone else before. Having said all that, you can probably see why starting over with someone new is a scary prospect for me. Exciting, but scary just the same.

I can honestly say that I really don't know what I will do. I'd love to roll back the clock 6 months and go back to where we were, but I know that's not possible. I can't just pick up where we left off and pretend nothing bad ever happened. I'm too much of a realist for that. Your advice about postponing a decision is excellent. If he calls me, I'll talk to him, but no face-to-face contact right now. I don't think I could handle that. I'd like to see how sincere he really is and see if he follows up what he said to me last night, or if he was just lonely last night and decided to make a phone call that he had no intention of following through with.

It's times like this that I truly value this board and cyber-friendships. This is a hard thing for me to deal with right now, and it was good to "think out loud" on the board. Thanks again, and have a great holiday.

Donna

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Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 8:14pm

West:

Thanks for the response. I ordered that book from Amazon, and it just came in the mail. In fact, it's with me right now. I glanced at the back cover on my way to work on the train this morning, and there was a great phrase there. It said, "And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot, or beg anyone to ask us out. We're fantastic". How great is that!! Had I read that yesterday, I wouldn't have had any doubts as to whether I wanted to e-mail my cousin's friend; I wouldn't have even considered it.

"Do you really think he has what it takes to commit and give you what you want? I don't know your history with him." As for our history, you can read about that in my response to Maggie. As for him being able to make a commmitment to me: that's a good question. At the end there, he seemed like a commitment phobe, but I don't know if that's because he is like that or he put himself between two women and he was trying to decide who to be with. When I was pregnant, and my husband was living a double-life by cheating on me, he was a total d***, and back then I couldn't figure out what his problem was. He changed so much, and that was because he had two households to try to keep straight. Anyway, that is neither here nor there. I really felt that I was getting what I wanted out of our relationship until the end when I was ready for Mark to meet my kids, and then he stopped calling. Looking back, and if I compare Mark to my exh, he distanced himself from me because he felt guilty seeing both of us at the same time and trying to figure out what he was going to do (my ex did that too). When I talked to him back in June, he kept saying he was confused and he didn't know what he wanted. Yeah, no kidding. He had to make a decision, he just handled it badly.

As for having what I need, there are some issues that I would like to clear up with him. That's why I thought talking to him in person would be a good thing. But after reading Maggie's response, I'm thinking I'm too emotional for that right now. I need to step back and give this some more time and thought. Phone contact is easier right now, because I know if I see him he'll hold my hands, and look into my eyes, tell me everything I want to hear, and I'll turn to jello. I'm just being honest here. By way of history, even though I had two long-term relationships before him, I can say that they were different. Like I said to Maggie, I had a closer relationship with Mark, and I was very comfortable with him. I shouldn't even say two long-term relationships because the second relationship was a TOTAL REBOUND RELATIONSHIP that started less than six months after Rick ran off with my sister. I had absolutely no business dating anyone at that time in my life. But I did, and it turned out to be the worst mistake I ever made, and it lasted way longer than it should have. After I got out of that relationship, I realized that being alone is a whole lot better than being miserable like I was.

I really think the advice of dating other people and not just Mark is good advice. Like I said, I really don't want to make it too easy for him. Thanks for your input, and have a great holiday.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 8:23pm

Becky:

Thanks for responding. "there are a couple of people in my life who I never really quite "got over". They hold a special place in my heart and they always will." I really needed to hear that because I was beginning to think I was crazy for not being able to forget about him.

"I feel concerned that you'll just rip it all back open and the payoff won't be anywhere near worth it." I felt the same way last night when I got off the phone. That's why I wanted to talk out loud here on the board and see what you guys think.

You're right; this is a difficult decision for me to make, especially right now. And I'd be a big liar if I said that I had all the answers and I knew exactly what to do. Through your help and West and Maggie, I have decided to postpone seeing him until after the holidays. I really think talking on the phone, if he called me, would be a lot easier for me than a face-to-face meeting. I'm going to try to put this drama aside right now and enjoy my Christmas with my kids. God knows I'll have enough drama on Christmas Day when I have to see my sister and my ex-boyfriend that day. One drama at a time is enough. Have a great holiday.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 9:52pm

Hi Donna,

I think you have received some excellent advice and you are smart to act on it. Maggie's point about the holidays is right on - she always writes so well.

Give it a lot of time. Read the book.

You have learned a lot in the past few months. You have gotten over Mark. You have put Paul in his place. And you have seen that the sun does shine when you least expect it - what a great night you had with your cousin and his friends.

Your inner voice will guide you for sure.

I am happy for you that you have your kids for Xmas and NYE - enjoy this time. I just said goodbye to my son yesterday. At first I was very sad - he will be gone for Xmas this year. But then I decided to make it a best Xmas for me. I will enjoy the time with my family and every night I am going out to see a different movie by myself. I have called all my friends and am enjoying my time as a free single bird.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 10:36pm

wow Mags...you're SO right! After thinking about that, a couple of guys have done the very same thing to me...calling me to "try it again" just before the holidays last year. Hmmm...interesting. One asked me to a party...and I bet it's because he didn't have someone to go with, and it felt funny to him.

It'll be interesting to see if he's as interested in a couple of weeks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 4:34pm

Donna,

I figured Mark would get back in touch with you. He's hurt again. It didn't work out with his ex-fiance (again). Even if he never went back to her, he's still not 'together' emotionally. He probably doesn't like to be alone and he figures you would be a comfort to him.

If you decide to meet him, make it extremely difficult for him. Make him work very hard to earn your trust and affection. Personally, I wouldn't give him a second chance. I don't think he's stable (like my most recent ex). He might be one heck of a nice, fun guy...but if he's unstable, he can just walk anytime. Good luck.

Tricia

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