A Second Chance

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
A Second Chance
12
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 1:53pm

I was just about to go to bed last night, and my phone rang. It was Mark. I hadn't talked to him since July. The conversation was light and general; he asked me how my kids were, my cats, job, etc. Then he got real serious. He told me he went back to his old fiance, and I said "I know". I remember posting about my suspicions, and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I knew in my heart he went back to her, although he never said the words. I guess there is something to woman's intuition. Anyway, he went on to say that he tried to make it work, and he realized that it wasn't going to, and he ended, for good this time, and he will never go back. He said he wanted to call me many times. He apologized for hurting me, and for being selfish, and all the bad things he did. Then he asked me if I would give him a second chance and go out with him again. He wants to meet somewhere so we could talk. I was hesitant, and he asked me if I was scared. I said, hell yeah I'm scared, I don't want to get hurt again. He said, trust me, and I said, no, you have to earn my trust. I told him he didn't end things well, and he could have done it better and that he didn't treat me very well at the end, so right now, it's hard for me to trust.

The honest truth is that I never got over him. I miss him and the friendship we shared. We had a lot of great times together. I came to peace with the situation, through counseling, but I never totally forgot about him. I told my counselor many times that of all the people I ever dated, I really thought Mark and I were a good pair and that we had a lot of potential. My counselor told me that what happened had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him; he wasn't over his last relationship, simple as that, and that until he got over that other relationship, he couldn't build one with me. I guess our timing was just off. So, I didn't beat myself up over it, I just tried to forget about him and get on with my life. But for some strange reason, and I really don't know what it is, over the last week or two, I had been thinking about him quite a bit, which was strange, because I hadn't thought about him in a while.

I just got done talking to my friend here at work about this. She really doesn't think he deserves a second chance, but she knows I'll do what I want to anyway. She said she has seen the same kind of thing many times with her other friends, and sometimes the second time around works, and sometimes it doesn't. She just doesn't want to see me get hurt. Her advice to me was to talk to him, be cautious, keep my eyes open, see where it goes, but continue to go out with my cousin and see other people.

I'd like to talk to him, face to face. There are a lot of things I never got a chance to say to him, and I'd like that opportunity. Just like before, I can tell when he's BS'ing me, especially in person. I'd be a big fat liar if I said that I didn't want to see him again, because I do. I just want to be cautious and not jump in with both feet. I'd like to see how sincere he is. I feel everything is up to him. I don't intend on calling him. It will be interesting to see if he was genuine in what he wanted or if he was just blowing smoke up my butt. If he wants me, he is going to have to work to get me back. I know that sounds mean, but if I don't have that attitude, he'll walk all over me. I don't want to make it too easy for him.

I know a lot of you out there will read this and think I'm completely nuts. My friend played devil's advocate, and I really appreciated her input. And I would appreciate the opinions of everyone on the board also, even if you don't agree with me. Maybe I am nuts. I can't really explain why I was never able to completely get over him. Maybe there's something there; and maybe there's not. I'd like to see if there is something there; so I can not wonder "what if"; and so I can either grow in a relationship with him or put it to rest once and for all if there is nothing there.

Donna

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Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 7:21pm

Hey Donna
I can't add anything new to what these ladies have already told you. I think you know in your mind that he would only disappoint you again. The heart tells you a different story though, I know. Try to keep listening to your mind in this instance and keep going on the path you are making for yourself without men like Mark and Paul in the way.

big hugs!
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 4:23pm

Maggie:


Thank you for such a thoughtful response; I got tears in my eyes. It means a lot coming from you because I remember reading your story about how you and Chris broke up, found each other again, and then ended up married. You could have easily told me, "take the second chance, it worked for me". Instead, you set out a lot of possibilities for me to think about. You said so many things that made sense to me, that I just didn't think of. I have to say that I was so struck by his phone call that I never considered that this is the holidays, and maybe his timing has something to do with being alone for the holidays, like you said.


Hi Donna, that last post to you was the last I posted on iVillage before the holidays, and I'm just getting back here, days later.

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