Seems Unhealthy to Me
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Seems Unhealthy to Me
| Wed, 01-21-2009 - 5:49pm |
Tell me I'm wrong, but I am thinking this relationship I am about to talk about is gonna burst into flames.
| Wed, 01-21-2009 - 5:49pm |
Tell me I'm wrong, but I am thinking this relationship I am about to talk about is gonna burst into flames.
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I found them. Be sure to remind her that even if he doesn't do all of these things, even just 3 or 4 of them is bad enough to be considered abusive. I hope she will listen to you!
You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
Abuses drugs or alcohol.
Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
Has a history of bad relationships.
Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.
You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.
Does the person you love...
constantly keep track of your time?
act jealous and possessive?
accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?
discourage your relationships with friends and family?
prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?
constantly criticize or belittle you?
control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)
humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)
destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?
have affairs?
threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?
push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?
force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm
Thanks. I will definitely show her these warnings and see what she says...I have a myspace so I might post it as a bulletin or a blog and I know she will read them. She reads all my entries. That way, it is not as IN YOUR FACE and she might accept it better than her best friend telling her that her man is bad news.
Mel
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I've been lurking here for years but I have to speak up for once!
Please think twice before posting on myspace. This guy does sound controlling, codependant and abusive so I wouldn't be surprised if he 'monitors' her myspace and takes it further to check on her 'friends' . If he reads something like that he is going to assume you're talking about him and it could make things 10 times worse. If he follows the pattern (and I've some experience with this) he will isolate her even further.
I was thinking the same thing as unwrittened. If he is that controlling, he is probably monitoring her posts and messages online in some way or another. If he would see something like that he might totally lose it. I mean, she hasn't known him very long at all and you don't see someones true colors in that short of a time. She does need to see the list, but I would think of some other way to show it to her. She definitely needs to take a step back and re-evaluate.
Emma
I do agree with both of you.
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Mel,
Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is be there for your friend when she does leave. No amount of talking will get through to her, she's content in her state of anxiousness and misery. She's not going to suddenly see the signs and go "gee, you're right, I should leave".
Think about how it was with your 2nd dh- HOW LONG did the boardies and your friends and family tell you to leave before you finally decided for yourself? Do you remember what broke the hold he had on you to stay?
The decision MUST come from herself. You can and should be there without "I told you so's" when she does decide.
I wish her only the best.
Yea, you are absolutely right.
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