Selfish and Foolish
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| Thu, 02-24-2005 - 9:08am |
Well, I did it, even though I knew better. I wrote earlier last week ('Unsure' was my discussion title) and got everyones opinion on this guy that I was starting to see. I was told to not introduce him to my kids, but out of selfishness, the need to feel wanted, foolishness, and everything that isn't good, I did anyways. My boys are 4 and 13 and I made the stupid mistake of letting him come over and spending the night with me a couple of times. I've been single for almost 2 1/2 years, and felt like I needed alone time with this guy. I don't have much family around that can keep my boys often, so how am I supposed to do that?--- this is how I was thinking. I feel like I've intruded this man into our lives and the obvious thing about it is that my 'friend' seems just as uncomfortable being here with my kids as I do. My oldest son asked me (before he spent the night twice) if we were going out and at the time I told the truth and said we were just friends. My son assured me later that he wasn't mad and I didn't have to lie to him (he doesn't seem upset, but I'm a psych major and I know the impact it can have on him in the longrun). I'm very fortunate that he only remembers 1 relationship that I was in over 3 years ago. I'm so awful. My "friend" acts weird when my oldest comes into the living room, kinda like we're kids hiding something, he'll pull away and stay far from me. I'm not parading myself and our business, but I know that my oldest knows what's going on behind closed doors. "Friend" seemed to care about me, we speak just about everyday, even though he's out of town for a couple of weeks for a military school. I took my children on vacation to visit a friend and we've kept in touch everyday during that time, mostly him calling or text messaging me. I knew that having sex soon might have a negative impact on what we were starting (I thought a possible relationship). I don't know now, I havent' heard from him since he left my home on Monday (he chose to drive back to our hometown while I was gone, waited until I came back, spent the evening with me and drove back to his school early 4 am to beat the traffic). I thought that was sweet and considerate since we seemed to really miss each other, but now it's been 2 days without hearing from him and I'm feeling like a real stupid-o. We seem to enjoy each other sexually and mentally and he acts like he cares for me by saying how much he misses me, sending flowers (3x now), kissing me out of nowhere, constantly giving me compliments. I've known him for a few months, but began dating about 3-4 weeks ago. I'm ready for the responses that I was irresponsible, but how can I keep my hopes up during this time? I have this guy and my kids, I don't know whether I have to choose just yet (because this might be doomed already), or just wait it out and give this guy a chance to see where this relationship might go? I think of him all of the time, I can't seem to stop and get myself together. I think I fell way in over my head and probably got played. Help.......

I posted my reply to you below, but I'll repost it here:
When you've only been dating a few weeks or months, you have to expect that at any time they will stop calling or the relationship will end. It takes time to develop a solid relationship, and having him hanging out in your home won't make it happen any faster.
What I would do is not worry about the guy right now. If he calls, great. If not, focus on yourself and returning to the homelife you and the children were used to before this happened. If the relationship does continue, let it happen a little slower. I think it's hard for a 13 year old to accept a new person in the house. I was around 17 when my step-dad moved in (they weren't married yet). It was really hard for my sister and I to adjust (she was 15). We grew up with just our mom and that is what we were used to. Now all the sudden we had to share our space with him and put on bathrobes if we got up to pee in the night. We did not accept him for the first year or two, and my sister (normally a very shy girl who avoids conflict) was actually mean to him on many occasions. Thankfully, he stuck it out and now I consider him a very important part of my life. I thought that I had grown up fatherless and that meant I didn't need a father, but I was wrong. As an adult, my step-father has been invaluable to me.
Bringing someone into your life when you have children is stressful for everyone. It takes work and there will be problems, issues and feelings you may not be able to anticipate. My guess is that younger children take the transition easier than teens or pre-teens, but in any case you won't know how it will go until you try it, and this is why it's better to leave the children out of it until the relationship is committed. You basically added a bunch of stress to a brand new relationship. Brand new relationships are about infatuation, getting to know each other and deciding if you want to pursue something more.... children fit in much better in later stages of the relationship when you are planning a future together.
I understand why you did this, you are ready to have a man be part of your family and you now it will feel good to get to that place. It just that it can't happen overnight. Now you can learn from your mistake. Some people learn from doing rather than learning from listening (receiving advice). I used to be like that. It didn't matter how many people told me I was dating a jerk, I had to figure that out on my own to believe it (at which point I would dump him and find another jerk to date). I think I've grown a lot and now I can take advice and learn without having to always test it out. You will overcome your mistake. We aren't supposed to live our lives without making any.
A good alternative, if this relationship continues, is having your boyfriend come around for special events, say a dinner night out, a trip to the museum, a day trip out of town, things like that. Your children need time to get to know him too - before he's spending time in the living room and there when they wake up. It would be sort of like if you met someone online and the first date was they guy showing up, taking off his shoes, rummaging through your cubbards and making himself comfy. Keep talking to your older son, let him express how he feels about this new guy, and talk to your boyfriend about his discomfort and tell him you want to take it a little slower with the children so that everyone can feel a little more at ease.
I think time alone for you and your boyfriend is better spent out of the house and having a babysitter to at least watch the younger child. You are entitled to adult time, and if you don't have family or friends to stay with the children, a babysitter is the next best option.
Don't beat yourself up over this. I'm guessing he'll get in contact with you again. That doesn't mean he has your best interest at heart though. He might get in touch again because he still likes something about the relationship. Only time will tell if he'll be good for you.
No one has a crystal ball and no one knows how things will turn out. I'm dating a man for 3 months. I think he's wonderful and the best thing that has ever happened to me...but, every relationship needs the test of time.
So, don't worry about that guy. Do your own thing. If he calls, decide what you want to do. Take a step back and don't have him spend the night for a while. It sounds like no one was really comfortable with that arrangement. It's not the end of the world if this relationship doesn't pan out. You are in the driver's seat with this one. Not him.
Hi
I don't think you were irresponsible. Maybe not the wisest move on your part, but you knew the risk when you did it. Basically you took a gamble on this guy. It's only been a couple of days though, so I think it's too quick to say for sure whether you lost or not.
Yeah, it's not the best idea to have this guy sleeping over while the kids are home. But I won't be hypocritical. I did it.
And just to let you know, I dated one guy for 4 months before he even met my kids and it still didn't work out. Conversely, my SO whom I've been with for almost 4 years, met them about a month into us dating. So you just never know. The best you can do is follow your guy.
I also agree with first. Hire a babysitter. In the newness of a relationship you deserve time alone together and don't need the added pressure of involving your kids. I don't think a child as old as your eldest believes this is just a friend. Do you really think that?
Hugs
Tara