Separation, dating, kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Separation, dating, kids
5
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 3:05pm

could really use your thoughts here.

In Sept. 2005 my husband of 15 years told me he wants out of the marriage. It was a total shock to me and I was devestated. I have considered myself separated since that time, 17 months ago, but have lived on my own without him for 12 months. We share the kids equally, so that each of us has them 3-4 days per week. We are amicable, tho hurt. I do not feel there is hope for reconciliation. Again, he is a very good friend to me and we are there for each other.

I began dating someone 7 months later, and now I am in a very serious relationship and I am content and happy with it, tho still finishing up some healing. My 2 children have met my SO, and they adore him, in fact they want him over every night, which is about how often he wants to be over. I love having him there, but I worry if this is wrong in some way. Is it confusing for the kids (they are 7 and 12). Is it wrong for me to be this serious with someone without being divorced, and only being separated for 17 months. I did date several men and I think SO is very very special, and it does not feel at all like a rebound thing, more of a very good connection thing. Anyway, I guess I am trying to learn what the boundaries are and should be? As I said, my kids love when he is over. But should I be working on developing a stronger family of 3, since the loss of H from our prior unit, and not be including my new love? Am I moving too fast? Im 42, btw. Its so confusing to know what the right thing is. What feels right to me, might not be right in terms of my kids. Any thoughts appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 7:00pm

Hi, and welcome!

We tend to say that our kids don't date, we do, but it feels like you're beyond dating and in a relationship. I think the relationship you have with your ex is a wonderful thing, since it works for you and is probably the best for your kids.

The relationship you have with this new guy could very well be something. You know how your kids are truly doing. If you feel that this could potentially go somewhere, or last long term, or be serious, then it probably isn't hurting your kids- but for me, i'm always trying to spend quality time with my kids.

Any extra time you manage with just them is a good thing, and there's nothing wrong with taking a few nights off from having him there if that's what you want to do.

I hope everyone else chimes in, too, the women here have some wonderful advice.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 7:16pm
I'd say you are doing pretty well.
You need to get that divorce taken care of though...for your own sanity and to make you available for otehr future options.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 8:20pm

Hello and welcome!!

I do think you need to finalize the divorce. Sorry to hear that you had to go through that but it does sound like you have things handled to the best of your ability. It is good that you are amicable with your soon to be exh for the sake of the kids.

It sounds like your new bf is really into you. Do you really feel he is someone worthwhile that will be good for you for the longterm? Have you had time to think about what you want and need?

The reasons I am asking you this is because while it is good that he fell into your lap and you are enjoying him, I just wonder if you had time to think about what makes you happy and what you like. Just food for thought.

If he makes you happy and allows you to be yourself that is great. If he is a good provider and stable in his life with no bad vices that is better still. If he is into you and is caring and emotionally available and wanting to see you on a regular basis that is good, too.

If I was you, I would not let a man play house with me and my kids unless I truly thought the relationship was going to go somewhere and that he is good for me and my kids. I would keep a little seperation there. Make sure he is there when you want him there.

Hope these thoughts help

Stick around and participate - you will learn a lot and we always love more opinions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 11:41pm
I completely agree. I think it's great if you've met someone and you're happy. You shouldn't deny yourself happiness, but I think playing house that quickly is serious with all sorts of implications. You know yourself and your kids best. I have to really greive a relationship and be on my own for a while before I jump into another one, but that's just me. It was really important for me to create a stable place for me and my children before I started making more major decisions. Having said that you are the best judge of your life and what your little voice is telling you is probably the truth and you should just trust yourself. I would also add that even though your kids adore him, that's not reason enough to start playing house. Kids love a lot of things that we limit and restrict because we have to create boundaries and limits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:16pm

I agree with the 2 previous posts. I don't see that it's a big deal if he spends time at your home and with the kids, but if he spends too much time there (esp. spending nights), it could complicate things with your soon-to-be ex husband during the divorce. If I were in your place I'd probably wait until a little while after the divorce is final.


By the way, your life sounds a little like mine. I divorced in August 2005 (when I was 38), I have 2 kids (son,