Shaking head... why do I do this to...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Shaking head... why do I do this to...
30
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 9:30pm

myself?
Why am I SOOOOO insecure? Here I have this adorable young sexy man that pays me wonderful attention (only three weeks of knowing each other and a week of dating, so not really surprising) and I am already starting to choke?
When he says he really likes me, I keep reminding him, he needs to find a younger woman. When he says he really wants to spend quite a bit of time with me, then I keep telling him that his success (his art is majorly taking off here, he's in the charlotte weekly paper and in Hollywood) and the temptation of the beautiful ladies in L.A. is going to make him change his mind (he's going to L.A. for a month in October). That he shouldn't be hanging out with a older single mother and that I'm keeping my distance.

Ok, so why can't I just shut up??? He hasn't listened to me yet, but I am feeling so insecure and so distant from him. I guess that is attracting him even more, but can't I just shut up and show a little more confidence??? He wants me to be his date on Saturday for his first big gallery opening and he's introduced me to his entire family, makes plans ahead for the month of November, which his family says he hasn't done in a very long time. Okkk, so it might be, because I refuse to give him what he wants. wink wink. I am keeping bay from him sexually and emotionally. Not that it's new, but I seem to really go on about taking a tiny step at a time. We are just really different too. It's not Euphoria or something overboard, but we hang out and LAUGH so much. I can't remember how long it's been that I've laughed the way I have. It's tears. But we just make so much fun of each other and we enjoy being with each other and he just always wants my opinion and I always enjoy listening to his. However, we don't make out or kiss much. It's quite funny, but we are so comfortable with just hanging out, without all the other stuff.

UGH??!! Why am I going on about this guy??? It's only going to be just as it always is. I am going to date him awhile, get involved and then i'll ruin it all with some sort of drama, cut him loose or let it happen vice versa because I'm a nut case.

Darn. Can't I just take things with baby steps instead of worrying about all this????

shaking head...........sigh......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 4:52pm

Why do you think he deserves better than you? I think youre smart to go slowly. Maybe a self confidence book would help. There is one I read called Self Esteem which is good and one called Total Self Confidence which is great.


Remember you deserve a guy as good as him or even better.


Laurie

anonymous
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 1:29am
Don't forget, my mother raised me in an artist world, much like Van Gogh. Starving. Period.
My entire family on my mothers side has artists. Either designers, writers, musicians or painters.
So in my life, I have only lived with EXTREMELY selfish people to this day. I could tell you stories that would make your hair rise. You are responsible, but I've lived a horrible life of what very many starving artists go through. Obviously, from your post, it's clouding my judgement, but I've seen so many that it makes me very weary.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 1:39am
You know what I find is odd??? If I date anyone, and come here for a problem, then your advice is always that I'm not ready to date. If someone else, comes here with a problem or is wondering something and dates a hundred men a year or can be flirting with who knows who (please no one take offense), they get positive reinforcement and advice from you. Have you noticed that? I have after reading archives after archives. I can go a few months or an entire year without dating anyone and then I still get the same answer from you on here. I haven't dated anyone in months, before meeting the artist, but again, I get the same answers from you. Thanks. I don't mean it as rude, but it hurts my feelings that you always feel you think that you know me well enough that I need to curl up with a hundred cats and sit alone at home with my children, because that is how you make me feel when you respond like that. It is your opinion and I respect the opinions on the board, , but it does hurt when you constanly give me the same advice regardless of my situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 7:52am
Well thats why I responded the way I did. I know you are self aware enough to see it is clouding your judgement and I know you grew up rough with artists. I just dont want you to miss out because really, some families raise artists and they turn out to be the opposite of what you described. My family was poor when I grew up but healthy and not selfish at all - more like the opposite and sometimes I wondered if we could help one less person and go out to eat every once in a while...lol SYB's family was the same, helped the world before the rent or mortgage got paid. They moved around constantly. I at least stayed in one spot. We were loved though and we have had talks about how we want to be different and how. We have surpassed our parents income and we are more savvy with helping the world for example. So I bet you have changed how you lead your life based on the mistakes you saw too - I think everyone does that if they're smart. . There are all kinds of artists. My mother was a painter and a musician and her whole family was in the arts too. My father is a composer and came from a farmer's family so he knew poor inside and out. Selfish people come in in all fields really. Maybe you spot them more readily when they are in an artists form but they really do! Yes, cut out the possibility of all selfish unstable prospects of course but to cut out anyone in the arts just seems like you might miss something. Also, for me, sometimes life hands me the thing I am most afraid of so I can finally make friends with it and find peace. Sorry if that sounds hokey but it has been very true for me.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 8:27am

well I can easily read you my scorp friend. I used to doubt men and how sincere they are.. compare with known examples. But Biker showed me over time how giving and generous he is and yes now he is my gold standard. If you just hang in there and not give in too much before you are sure about those basic elements you are looking for, perhaps gradually you can see who he is and how he takes his other responsibilities. How is he with his family? Sorry I forgot- Does he have any kids? If so, how does he treats them?


I am sure if you keep going out with him, you will see many many situations right in front of your eyes which will help you make a better judgement. I know it is still early, but you can see if he geneuinly tries to make time for you and makes sure you are comfortable and your life is easy even with his schedule.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 1:30pm

Maybe it's because I listen to what you say when you're here? You state time and again that you're tired of dating, that you're taking a break... then you disappear from the board for a few weeks/ months and come back with another tale of a guy who went south after being Mr. Wonderful: crash & burn.

I'm thinking about your fiance, jesus sandals, the race car guy, the widower, the meetup guy and now the artist. You take time off of dating for a short time and don't seem to work on yourself in the meantime: to fight the self doubt you have in yourself to be confident that you ARE the wonderful, strong, caring, energetic and beautiful woman that *I* see you are.

So then you come here and ask why do you do this to yourself? And I give an honest answer from what I see.

The boy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 2:09pm
Don't worry, you're not the only MDR on this site. I'm 26 and my DF is 46. I've never gotten along better with any man I've ever dated and he feels the same about me. I should probably write an update and let you all in on what's going on instead of burying it in this post, yes?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 4:52pm

((((((((Hugs)))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 5:07pm

Oh yes, oh yes...I know these artist types.

I went to art school, selfish boyfriends (part of the deal at my school was that not only was the ratio of women to men huge, but of the men, at least 50% were gay, so us straight girls had some slim pickins'...thus feeding the egos of the straight guys!) Ex husband, musician...don't even have to tell me about selfish...he ultimately left the marriage so he could become a musician full time. Mr. Summer Romance...photographer/ghoster.

Last night I went out with a writer...argh, I have to get away from these artistic types. They cause me nothing but grief, but I am drawn to them because they think in such an interesting way.

Part of the selfishness with art is that in order to make a living, you have to believe in yourself and sell yourself all the time. I think that after a while, they start to believe their own press.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 6:22pm
More generalizations. Sigh.
Trying to not get offended but really people - not all artists are selfish. I have known more artists than anyone here easily - went through to get my doctorate at a conservatory having spent my life in music schools.
And again, though I have been left by a musician, I have also been left by an athlete and a politician. Think how you are limiting your options by eliminating an entire group of people based on a few. JMHO - but if you really want to find "the one" you cant afford to limit your choices this way.
In this economy - everyone has to sell themselves. I am lucky I dont fall in the starving artist who is selling themselves category - I certainly know many fine artists who do though. Some artists, musicians, and writers have good management for their career like I do and they do their job day after day with a steady heart and pay check. I do believe my own press. I have good and bad reviews which I take with a grain of salt of course. The thing is that there are people , just like me, who know they are fabulous at their art and get paid well for it but it doesnt mean that they think they are fabulous in general - we work hard to be good people, great friends, responsible parents, the works.
Sorry but the stereotyping is annoying.
Lilypie - Personal picture