Shaking head... why do I do this to...
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| Thu, 09-04-2008 - 9:30pm |
myself?
Why am I SOOOOO insecure? Here I have this adorable young sexy man that pays me wonderful attention (only three weeks of knowing each other and a week of dating, so not really surprising) and I am already starting to choke?
When he says he really likes me, I keep reminding him, he needs to find a younger woman. When he says he really wants to spend quite a bit of time with me, then I keep telling him that his success (his art is majorly taking off here, he's in the charlotte weekly paper and in Hollywood) and the temptation of the beautiful ladies in L.A. is going to make him change his mind (he's going to L.A. for a month in October). That he shouldn't be hanging out with a older single mother and that I'm keeping my distance.
Ok, so why can't I just shut up??? He hasn't listened to me yet, but I am feeling so insecure and so distant from him. I guess that is attracting him even more, but can't I just shut up and show a little more confidence??? He wants me to be his date on Saturday for his first big gallery opening and he's introduced me to his entire family, makes plans ahead for the month of November, which his family says he hasn't done in a very long time. Okkk, so it might be, because I refuse to give him what he wants. wink wink. I am keeping bay from him sexually and emotionally. Not that it's new, but I seem to really go on about taking a tiny step at a time. We are just really different too. It's not Euphoria or something overboard, but we hang out and LAUGH so much. I can't remember how long it's been that I've laughed the way I have. It's tears. But we just make so much fun of each other and we enjoy being with each other and he just always wants my opinion and I always enjoy listening to his. However, we don't make out or kiss much. It's quite funny, but we are so comfortable with just hanging out, without all the other stuff.
UGH??!! Why am I going on about this guy??? It's only going to be just as it always is. I am going to date him awhile, get involved and then i'll ruin it all with some sort of drama, cut him loose or let it happen vice versa because I'm a nut case.
Darn. Can't I just take things with baby steps instead of worrying about all this????
shaking head...........sigh......

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Yes, these are stereotypes to be sure. But while there are always two sides to every situation, in MY experience, many "artistic" men can be cads. Many artistic women can be cads, too. Just in this circumstance, we are talking about someone's previous experiences with artistic men..
Personally, I have always been drawn to artistic men, it just seems very natural to me to be around people who have a different view of the world than the norm. After all, I wouldn't have found myself in art school if I didn't. It has been very hard for me to understand the mindset of bankers and lawyers, for instance (much to my mother's chagrin). I don't find myself drawn to that type of man.
If you are attracted to a type of person and aren't having good experiences with that type, you tend to make a generalization. If I were drawn to all different types of men and had bad experiences with half of them, I wouldn't be able to make such a generalization.
Well said.
Can I ask you what you did to get yourself out of the bad pattern?
After dealing with this guy this summer, I realize that there is some sort of pattern to the guys I am choosing...very exciting men, act like they are crazy about me, very flattering. I fall for it, only to find that they wind up being kind of (or in my ex's case very) controlling. That is, according to them, I am "nice, pretty, wonderful", but...maybe I'm just not tidy enough, or thin enough, or cool enough, but I am OK to have around. Or in the last guys case, I didn't agree with something he wanted, so I was no longer nice, pretty or wonderful. I want very badly to get out of this cycle.
"I was finding myself over and over again attracted to men who wouldnt commit for example so I sought some advice as to what drew me to these sort of men. "
What kind of advice did you receive, can you share?
I went to a therapist someone close to me referred me to after the last one ended who was VERY controlling. I was sick of myself by then and knew I was in way over my head. I stopped dating entirely and was told to repair my relationships with men in my family rather than date for a while. This might not be the ticket for everyone of course - but it was for me I guess, possibly because of my history or theirs - not sure. I truly wasnt aware that those relationships were very damaged to start with but soon realized I had kind of given up on them to a certain extent - had turned our relationships into friendships or acqaintances maybe since I have been on my own since about 16. I used what I used to consider date night to go out with my Dad or brother or uncle and sometimes if they werent there I would create a special night with my son and we would do something. I came to terms with the fact I needed them and could count on them. I dealt head on with the death of my mom and one of my best friends. My therapist talked me through some stuff and after a while I let go of some resentments and anger I had from things a long time ago and accepted how some of these men in my family were and just let go. And I learned to ask of them what I needed out loud and they were immediately receptive, relieved even to know how to love me in the way I wanted. It was kind of a series of lightbulb moments. After I was getting what I needed from the people who represented my childhood and all of the things that make me "me" I understood my own quirks better and was easier on myself, I needed less or at least felt less of a void when looking for a partner and was just calmer overall. It truly changed how I saw men somehow like my brain was calmer and I judged myself less in the process. Dating was overall less important and less stressful and then within a 6 months or so I met SYB. It was expensive and kind of unsettling at moments but so worth it. I still see her if I am feeling shaky or have too many irons in the fire and am getting easily frustrated with myself. She helps me find center and in times where I am trying to accomplish a lot all at once, she helps me organize my thoughts and feelings so I am productive and reasonable with myself. I saw a counselor years ago who didnt do anything for me. This was my second venture in that arena and I was resistant - I am now soooo glad I gave it another try. Finding the right person was key for me and the referral was the first step in the right direction I think....
I have to stress though that I think the last person I had seen years before her for similar issues did next to nothing for me so it seems to me like it is very difficult to find a good therapist for issues that are deep and easily tossed aside. I might not have gone to her at all had I not confided in a friend and colleague of mine who happens to have a wife in the field who could help me find someone that would be a good fit.
Jumping in waaay late here, appologetically. Did you post something about plans Saturday. How did that go?
I'll jumpo on the artist conversation. I come from a family of artists. Photographers and artists mostly. I was headed in that field too until the medical field drew me in. No doubt artists can be moody, because there is a lot of feeling going on there. But given a chance the creative types can be very passionate and even settle down ;o) As for the age difference, I would not count yourself out for that. BE used to worry all the time
Do I feel like dating? No, not really. I actually do enjoy spending more time with myself then going out, but if I don't go out, I might let life pass me by and someone else too. I will have enough time when I'm old and maybe alone with a hundred cat, but then it's my fault for not trying when I had the chance.
Am I scared? Heck yeah! We all are? I make mistakes too, I feel often inadequate or something else, but that is something I am trying to work through and I always felt the board helped me work through it. That is why I come here, that is why I write my feelings, because the positive reinforcement helps. The push to not give up.
I enjoy him, but I don't get that tingle. Can you believe, I don't even have the urge to jump his bones and he is the hottest thing? I can't put my finger on it. Sometimes I feel the person he is, isn't the real him. I think he might be a really selfish person, but I haven't yet been able to see it, just feel it. Does that make sense? I won't give up because of that, but I just have this feeling he only has the ulterior motive to get me into bed. It in the pit of my stomach at all times. It's a turn off and the more he hints about me staying over, the more I back away. LOL. I just feel that he might be portraying his chocolate side as much as he possibly can, but that in reality, he isn't that a nice of a guy to women, but possibly quite a womanizer. Again, no proof, just gut feeling.
As for the art thing, again, a feeling he's selfish and into himself so much. Which right now with all his art openings and art that he has to paint, it's no wonder he is so consumed with himself, but not sure if I fit into that. He's fun to be with, have a great laugh, enjoy his family, but I don't feel it's going to go anywhere. I'm just not feeling the click, but I'll just jug along and take small steps and not get deeply involved, but just wait and see how things progress. No harm in that and it doesn't allow me to get hurt in the process. Either he'll wait or he won't, but it's not my problem. I think I'm feeling better about the age thing, but it does creep up sometimes when he just STARES at me. LOL. I suddenly feel all my wrinkles pop out.
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