She believes in love

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
She believes in love
6
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 7:36pm

I thought this was the most heart warming story - and so timely for the holiday tomorrow - enjoy! It is from a family law judge.

Judge believes in love, despite all she's seen
BY JUDGE SANDY KARLAN

I believe in love because of Joe Lupo. I believe in love because I believe in life. I believe in love because I have experienced it.

On Oct. 18, 2001, I was sitting in a packed courtroom in front of some 30 people, a mix of husbands, wives and attorneys. Another similarly sized group was outside, waiting to come in with the same purpose as those inside: to get divorced.

That Thursday morning, as I do every other Thursday morning, I was conducting an ''uncontested dissolution of marriage calendar,'' a procedure in which up to 40 couples with no children and no property, or with agreements regarding those issues, ''amicably'' dissolve their unions. If they were never married and have children, they present paternity agreements that define their obligations regarding the children. There may be tears, there may be laughter or there may be anger on the litigants' faces, but the common factor is that those individuals represent failed relationships.

These cases, and the other thousands of cases my colleagues and I hear every year, would seem to prove that marriage just doesn't work and love doesn't last. For some, this can be a relentless assault on a romantic nature. But on that Thursday morning, I could not feel discouraged, despite my full courtroom. I was getting married the next morning!

In addition to the uncontested calendar, the remaining cases I heard that day were high-conflict divorces. The ones in which each party has the most despicable things to say about their soon-to-be-divorced partner. The damage that these people do to themselves and to everyone close to them is simply indescribable. It is hard for some judges to listen to these stories, and those of us who stay in the family division somehow find a way to distance ourselves from the vision of debris and shattered hopes and dreams to which we are privy.

SHOULD WE BLAME LOVE?

I ask myself, is it love that is failing, or is it us? I believe it is us, and the choices that we make.

Maybe some of those marriages should never have taken place. People say they marry for love, but do they? Maybe it was for companionship, to fill some sad place in their hearts, maybe for comfort, money or because they thought the other person would make them better or they would make the other better. Or maybe there was love, but one partner betrayed the other's trust.

I have sometimes asked couples, ''What happened to your relationship?'' One party will usually volunteer that the other was unfaithful. But if that is not the case, then it is almost impossible to get a clear answer to that question in the courtroom. Other times, in a high-conflict case with children, I will ask the parties to try to remember what it was like when they first met or fell in love, and try to find something that they still like about the other person so as to defuse the hostility. It does not always work!

NEW BEGINNINGS

And yet, there are also those times when couples come to the divorce calendar holding hands and smiling. They shyly advise the court that they have decided to reconcile. Sometimes both parties want the divorce and are happily looking forward to their new lives -- some are even getting married the next week to new partners. And let's not forget: Although statistics reflect that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, that means the remaining 50 percent last. I even see some of these long-term relationships among the judges in our family court! Those relationships serve to inspire the rest of us.

When I was practicing family law, I liked to say that rather than dealing with the destruction of people's lives, I was helping them to start new lives -- new beginnings.

We survive tragedies and losses, including the death of people close to us, and somehow we go on. We wake each morning, we laugh again, we taste again and we participate in life again. Is this human nature? I don't know the answer; I just know that we do.

UNEXPECTEDLY ...

I was divorced for 13 years before I met Joe, and I had absolutely no intention of marrying again, even though my divorce had been amicable. It wasn't that I didn't believe in love, I just wasn't sure that I would recognize it, having had my share of good/bad relationships.

But what I discovered is that when love shows up, you have a choice to believe in the possibility of love and take a chance (or another chance) or tell yourself the odds are against this working or lasting and therefore not take another step forward. In my case, I figured that if there was any meaning to this life, I had to fully experience it, and that meant following my instincts and taking a chance.

The great poet Virgil said, ''Love conquers all things; let us, too, give in to Love.'' We have to believe in the relationships that work, we have to take educated chances, and we have to ''give in to love.'' Without our belief in this powerful emotion, our lives will be very limited.

So, on Friday, Oct. 19, I took my own advice and married Joe, and it has been wonderful. I am glad I chose to take a chance on love despite all I have seen.

Sandy Karlan is the associate administrative judge for the Family Division of the 11th Judicial Circuit Court. She has been assigned to the division since 1997.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 9:15pm

Awesome article, and very timely with some of the discussions we've been having.


Good find!


~s~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 9:27pm

I am going to read this with bf tonight. Its awesome.
This is the part that resonates most with me.
It wasn't that I didn't believe in love, I just wasn't sure that I would recognize it, having had my share of good/bad relationships.

But what I discovered is that when love shows up, you have a choice to believe in the possibility of love and take a chance (or another chance) or tell yourself the odds are against this working or lasting and therefore not take another step forward. In my case, I figured that if there was any meaning to this life, I had to fully experience it, and that meant following my instincts and taking a chance.

When bf and I first met he had been broken up with a few weeks prior and was fairly heartbroken. At first, It was difficult for him to let go with his heart being bruised and it was hard for me to trust in something being wonderful for my son and I again. We were inseparable and loving every minute but terrified in our different ways. I have a feeling that paragraph will really mean something to him. I am so proud of us for being brave and trusting in ourselves and each other.
You have made me misty eyed!!

And hey soonee - he also loved that thing about love. I am adding something to it because we heard something from DS today out of nowhere that belongs on there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 2:20am
That was a great article!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 8:02am

Thanks. Believe it or not it was in our local paper. We all have to have faith. I thought it did validate a lot of what we discuss - that you can't just be looking for someone because you are lonely or you want them to make you happy. And that it will come along - even after so many years alone or unexpectedly.

Right now it is not looking good for me - at least not with MtEverest. He was calling Monday and and on Tuesday he said when do I get to see you and so I said I will find out my schedule when I do not have my son and message you. I sent a message "Thursday" - which is usually good for him because he has his son on Wednesday. And yesterday I set another message that said did you get the message about Thursday. And it is Vday and no word. ? Maybe his phone fell in a puddle?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 10:40am

Let's hope Mt Everest redeems himself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 10:54am

Yes - you never know and this is still new and in the casual dating stage.

He goes to the bottom of the pile. One thing I am learning and thinking right now is that you have to judge someone over time. He could be in a busy and hectic patch of his business and then all of a sudden come to a bright spot and be better for time. Or he may always be like this.

This is exactly why I am not jumping into anything.

As I said, I rode with my old coach, there is a guy interested in me from the pool (but no chemistry from me yet) and another one who is an architect writing from EH. Keep all the balls going. Keep playing and see.