She has 2 kids & STILL goes for bad boys

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
She has 2 kids & STILL goes for bad boys
12
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 7:23pm

I work retail at a clothing brand store. My manager is 39 and has 2 children, but somehow manages to look remarkably beautiful and stunning. The thing that annoys me though is that she STILL goes for bad boys. In her line of work, she gets hit on a lot, which she admits she likes, but I see her and she only responds possitively to players and bad boys; guys who're really handsome, guys who come into the store with 2 or 3 girls with them, guys who come in with a cocky attitude. And she goes out with these guys.

We've gotten to know eachother through work the past few months. I really like her, and attempted to ask her out on more than 1 occassion, which she kindly declined. But it infuriates she makes these decisions about her dating life. She's been cheated on and lied to by her past several boyfriends. Shouldn't she see a pattern by now? She's pushing 40 and has 2 children. Shouldn't she be past the point in her life where she's judging men by how smooth, popular and handsome they are? Shouldn't she be looking for someone who could be a father to her kids?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 8:53am

From your eyes you do have a point. But the problem is that SHE doesn't see it that way and if she hasn't by now she never will.

The only way I can explain it is that she probably has a taste for adventure or maybe she had a father that was that way. This preference goes very deep and until she takes the time to want to learn what a better choice is, she won't make it.

Sorry to hear that you like her and have her bests interests at heart but doesn't see it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 1:35pm

Since I don't know her, or you, I can only guess that there's some type of attraction for her. Maybe she's not looking for a father figure for her children, but instead, simply a good time. There's nothing wrong with that, if that's what she wants.
I think we've all done things that aren't neccessarily good for us, but sometimes it takes people a while to see that the decisions they are making aren't good ones. You just have to sit back and let her live her life, as she sees fit. Liking someone, or being attracted to them, isn't an automatic guarantee that they'll feel the same way you do.


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Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 4:24pm

I might be in a mood, but something about your post pushes my buttons- and I have to respond.

(and yeah, I know I'm bumping this up from page 2 but I've been out of town and playing catch-up finally!)

But the way you phrase your attitude about this woman: "...is 39 and has 2 children, but somehow manages to look remarkably beautiful and stunning" and "She's pushing 40 and has 2 children." followed by "Shouldn't she be looking for someone who could be a father to her kids?"

It just makes me wonder what YOUR attitudes are about women if someone who has 2 kids might be considered less than a good catch? As if her only goal should be to find a new father for the children? Maybe she wants a good partner FOR HER first, and in finding a good partner for her, he might be a good father figure for the kids as well? And then for you to add in that "pushing 40" part... how old are YOU?

I have to say that I am past 40 and I have 2 kids. And if I encountered a man with that "pushing 40" attitude towards me as if I was yesterday's news & on some downhill slide... I wouldn't go on a date with him either! I am SOOO much in a better place now in my 40's than I ever was in my 20's!

Plus... if she is your manager, that would probably be reason enough right there, why she is turning down your offers for a date. If I was a manager, I wouldn't date anyone directly 'under' me on the corporate ladder.

And if she wants to just date "bad boys"... then that really is just her choice. She might be dating just for fun and not for anything long-term. You can't make decisions for her. And I'm sorry is you truly care for her and her well-being, but she is an adult and she can make her own mistakes. It must hurt you to watch her going through it, if you really like her. I suppose all you can do is just be her friend (and coworker).

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 5:39pm
I recently read the book "He's scared, She's scared" and in this book they described people just like your friend. They are the types that go for the unobtainable men in order to avoid committment. They are called "passive avoiders".
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 5:47pm

I have never looked for a father for my child. My son already has a father. I looked for a man I wanted to date.

I agree with shrimpy. Some men think that a single mom is damaged goods and therefore should like any guy who shows an interest in her and this offends me greatly. I have never viewed myself as being in a desperate dating situation. I've actually gotten a great deal pickier.

I don't know, maybe your manager likes bad boys and is a loser when it comes to dating. Whatever the case may be, her opinion of you probably won't change and you should focus on someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:10pm

"It just makes me wonder what YOUR attitudes are about women if someone who has 2 kids might be considered less than a good catch? As if her only goal should be to find a new father for the children? Maybe she wants a good partner FOR HER first, and in finding a good partner for her, he might be a good father figure for the kids as well? And then for you to add in that "pushing 40" part... how old are YOU?"

I'm 20. Anyway, you say she's looking for a good partner, but like I said, she's judging men on immature criteria. I see her and if a shy, plain looking but perfectly nice guy asks her her name, she'll barely give him the time of day, but if he's well dressed, really smooth, comes in with 1 or 2 girls already with him, she's all over him, even though she's told me before that these types of men have cheated on her and lied to her only to sleep with her repeatedly. It just frustrates me because it really seems like she's refusing to see the patern. I'm half her age and I can see it. A woman who's almost 40 and has 2 children doesn't have an excuse for being so shallow when it comes to judging men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 2:54pm

"The only way I can explain it is that she probably has a taste for adventure or maybe she had a father that was that way."

She actually did tell me that her mother died when she was very young so she was raised primarily by her father. After she died, her father slept around alot.

"Since I don't know her, or you, I can only guess that there's some type of attraction for her."

Ofcourse there's some attraction for her. Why would a woman, or anyone for that matter, go for someone they have no attraction for?

It's getting her to realize she's being constantly decieved by her attraction and to lose that attraction that's the question.




Edited 1/3/2007 2:57 pm ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 3:43pm

I'm not sure it's your place to "help" her or make her see that the attraction is for people YOU don't think she should be with. Why is it any of your business?

And, by the way, people do fall in love with people who aren't normally their type, people they wouldn't ordinarily be all that attracted to.

I personally don't really have a type, although I did grow out of bad boys when I was a teenager. But all of the guys I've dated, and the one I married, have been very different from each other.

However, if a guy who might or might not be interested in me started offering me unsolicited advice about my choice in men, I wouldn't think he was thoughtful, I'd think he was arrogant and pushy. I don't want, like, or need to be told how to run my life. This would be especially true if the man were half my age and hadn't walked the metaphorical mile in my shoes.

Moody, who is


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:26pm

"I'm not sure it's your place to "help" her or make her see that the attraction is for people YOU don't think she should be with. Why is it any of your business?"

I'm making it my business because this has been the basic pattern of my my whole love life. I really like a girl, and really care about her, spend my time with her, give her emotional support and someone to come talk to when they need, but they never return any romantic interest in me and simply want me for the validation and emotional support I give them, even though they are hurting themselves by going for the same type of guys over and over (cheaters, players, men who lie and ignore them) while refusing to see that I won't cheat, play, lie to and ignore them if they only give me a chance. But they never give me that chance.

It's like the song "Angel Eyes" when the guy says "I could love but I could never touch." That's my love life and frankly, I'm pretty sick and disgusted with it. I want it to end now.

I don't even want her to life me as much as I want her to stop going for the type of men she's been going after and instead go for a guy who is more LIKE me.

And it's not only about her either. It's about her 2 young boys. How messed up are these kids going to be when they spend their entire childhoods watching their mother be cheated on and lied to and hurt constantly?




Edited 1/3/2007 11:28 pm ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 8:52am

You're 20 years old and you're interested in a 39-yr-old woman who has horrible taste in men?? And, she's your boss.

Wow, 20 years old! There are tons and tons of girls that are your age. Look at your peers. If you're focusing on an older woman (who is an authority figure), I'd say that you're trying to avoid growing up and you actually fear responsibility. If this woman was with you, she'd be a safety net for you...like a mom figure. She is old enough to be your mom.

My best advice for you is to forget about fixing this woman. Go to school. Get a career. If you have a solid career and strong work ethic, women will be all over you.

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