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| Mon, 08-06-2007 - 1:12pm |
I finally gave in...
So after 2 years of refusing to be involved, I have finally thrown in the towel.
JS and I are now dating....exclusively (I am not entirely happy about the "E" part). But he is truly my best friend and when I am in his vacinity, I never want to do anything without him. And of course any news that happens in my life, he is the first one I call.
It took some back and forth discussions this weekend, for him to finally lay down the law with me. The biggest expectation was that I am no longer allowed to date anyone else. That I really have to give us a fair chance. That discussion took a few days, but I finally said ok. I realized I was making him really unhappy about not wanting to be with only him. Not just unhappy, but very sad. I didn't want to do that so I decided, as my best friend, for someone I do love and care for very much; it's important that he's happy.
He did ask if I was "in" love with him and I told him I wasn't. I said, I loved him and I cared for him very much, but I wasn't in love with him. He accepted that. Odd thing was the fact that we spent some really good quality time together doing totally different things then we usually do and I kind of saw him in a totally different light that I truly enjoyed and I found myself thinking, I may not know everything about him; maybe their could be more.......
One thing that has stood out in the last 6 months is that he involves the children all the time in everything now. He talks about them all the time. He plans things now that involve them. He NEVER did that. JS to me was always a very selfish bastard. Always thinking of himself. I NEVER said a word to him about it, except once, over a year ago, I told him he would never be type of person I wanted to date, because number one: I couldn't see him dealing with children. I thought he was selfish...
Anyway, strange enough, every time we visit, it gets more and more about the girls. Like the Easter Egg hunt we did together at 2:30am, drunk as skunks in his yard trying to hide 6 dozen eggs and a whole bunch of stuff. That is when it all really started.
JS is financially VERY well off. I don't know HOW well off, but it came in an argument we had about him doing stuff for me all the time and that I didn't want him to spend his money on me. That I thought he needed to keep it for himself. He just laughed and looked at me and said "You really have NO idea? Do you?". I just shook my head and said "I don't care." And of course he said, " I know..that is one of the awesome things about you. You don't care." - So coming to the story over the weekend that is building up to the reason I say he's more involved with the children:
As long as we've known one another, he has ALWAYS wanted jet skii's and decided last summer he would finally buy them, but then, he didn't. I asked him about it this weekend, because he's been putting off the purchase for some time. He said: "Actually, I have decided I rather buy the girls a boat. They would love a boat. We could all be together in it and they could go tubing and skiing. I'm going to buy it this Fall/Winter and then I'll call her "sea-murph". - For those that don't know, it's his nickname for me. Except of course he spells it: c-murph.
It was the idea that he has been putting the girls first in a lot of his thoughts now. 2 years ago, Alex couldn't stand him, because he would just ignore her. Now he's the first one she asks about, because they have so much fun together. In the last half year, he has spoiled them, taught them all sorts of things, this summer he bought their school supplies, he bought them both bookcases and he is throwing Alex a big party for her birthday. He WANTS to do those things. He knows it's very hard for me to deal with it. I'm very proud and it makes me feel like charity. We have had full blown out WAR because I don't like him doing so much for me. I feel ashamed, but I am also finally learning to let him. I know it makes him happy to know he can do something to make us all happy. I couldn't do some of that stuff if it was just me. So I finally and slowly learned to say thank you and just give him a hug. It seems to be all he wants.
Nevertheless, all is not lost: I am still allowed to make fun of him and to tell him he looks awful, when he wears or does something I hate; therefore, I think we compromised pretty well.
I wonder what it's going to be like now?
Strange. So I guess I won't have crazy dating stories for awhile, but I guess I can at least still make fun of him on the board (because he's great fun to make fun of)! We still have that....

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Oh wow Cat... shock is right!
I'm not sure what to say about all this! I do hope it works out for you (as I do with everyone here) but I have to say I am a bit shocked- just like YOU seem to be, if you are posting the title you chose to use!
Sounds like it's even going against YOUR gut a bit, even if you can check off some positives about dating JS. I do like it that he is good with the girls and that he does seem TOTALLY into you and will want nothing but the best for you. It's neat too- that you see him as your best friend and I think that is a very important part of a long-term relationship. Except that your relationship isn't a long-term one. It's only just beginning. But at least you DO have a foundation of a platonic friendship there. Sometimes though- I do wonder if you could be "too good of friends" to be able to make a romantic transition work??? I don't know- I've never tried it, and any male friends who have been good friends for a long time... it's just too long gone as a platonic thing for me to WANT romantic feelings there, at the risk of ruining a great friendship. But that's just me- and I'm not saying it can't work. I just haven't wanting to cross that line for myself.
I do worry that you're getting into this with JS too quickly after the last relationship, and haven't allowed enough time for you to be alone and be JUST YOU for long enough yet. I mean, when my kids left to see their Dad for a month, you were still seeing the last guy, and then there was Mr. History in there... and now the kids aren't even back yet and you're with JS. I understand that with Mr. History, it wasn't really a relationship but just dating waters... but still, you went through the whole thought process of "what if"ing the possibilities as if you were wanting to dive in with that as well- and give it a chance.
I don't know... and I hope I don't offend you Cat- but I just don't feel right about it. Although I do hope the very best for you!!! It just seems like the dust never even settled yet and you're already moving on and kicking up some more.
~shrimpy, speaking with you at heart
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
You may have crazy dating stories about him. After all you are dating him ;o). I hope you are pleasantly surprised and am glad you have giving him a fair chance. He seems to really like you and that was my friend's impression as well. BTW he thought you were both very nice. He asked where I met you and I didn't say...
tee hee
"Although I do hope the very best for you!!! It just seems like the dust never even settled yet and you're already moving on and kicking up some more."
Ditto! I'm a little nervous for you too Cat!
No one is offending me! So please no worries. I have to tell you all that I don't feel like I'm dating him or that I'm supposed to be in a relationship with him. We are just really close and he gives me my space and my time. He knows I'm honest about it. He knows where I stand with everything.
Ladies, my dating shoes have RARELY been to settle, but if I stopped dating EVERY time a guy went sour on me, I would be old and bitter. I pick myself up, realize this guy just wasn't it and I move on. I know M wasn't for me. That was pretty much written in the stars (more a disappointment then anything else), I knew Mr. History was History. JS knows it ALL. He knows my entire past and he's never judged but has always asked for a chance. I care enough about him that I think he deserves it. I haven't made any promises to him, but I can say in or out of a relationship, he makes me happy. As a friend he makes me happy and if I can't move forward with it then at least I know I tried. He knows me inside and out. I could date and go through the whole deal of finding someone out again, but I know who JS is and the things I don't know about him are nice, pleasant and suprising. Or irritable as hell and then I tell him.
So yeah, I know this board is split. LOL. I know I am split. LOL
We'll see.
Big hugs darling! No offense taken whatsoever!
We'll see what we'll see. I made no promises. I'm still dazed that I gave in. ;-)
I'm glad I didn't just plain STOMP on your toes or burst your bubble there.
I've been mulling this over and reading the others' responses and I guess I'm worried that if things didn't work out, that you'd be losing a close friend. And your daughters would be hurt too- if you and JS couldn't just go back to being platonic again and hang out like usual. It's pretty obvious that the girls like him and he's become sort of a regular fixture when you all hang out together. What would it be like to hang out without him?
I guess I just value all my close buds too much to risk it with possible romance. But from his end, his point of view- this is his dream come true! I'm glad you're telling him every step of the way that you're not "in love" with him, and making sure you're not leading him on... and making sure he knows this is just a 'trial run'- but I just think he is going to fall even harder and want even more. I'm not sure if he'd even HEAR anything you had to say to him that had anything to do with holding back or being unsure. He never heard the "no" before; he surely wouldn't hear the "maybe" you're giving him now.
And I'm concerned for you that you are grabbing onto him out of not wanting to be alone. That for right now, he's just very convenient and willing, so there is no chasing or confusion or insecurity involved. He's there and he's easy (not easy in a sexual way- just not-difficult).
I'm all for a great love story. About how you and he have known each other forever and he never lost faith. And about how you dated so many others before coming back around full circle... and finding him. It's all great and romantic- and I do hope that is how it works out for you because I SOOO love the romantic love story that has overcome all sorts of odds! But I guess I'm a bit jaded to think that the romance-novel type of stories would really work out in real life.
Please keep us updated on things though! I would love to hear how things work out over time!
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I am all for giving a good friend a chance and letting the chemistry develop. I pray for chemistry and magic dust and good sex. Because I think as long as you have that, with everything else you have stated, that it will go good. Because he loves you for you and is a good friend with a lot of future potential.
Keep us posted. We are always here no matter what you decide.
Sorry Cat, I disagree with your decision and I really think you're going to hurt him in the end.
Again, I know the board is split. Especially when it comes to everything I have shared with you ladies, I can see the doubt and I can accept it. Believe me, I have given it a lot of thought . Two years now.
I never wanted to jeopardize the closeness we have, but as JS says, I have to risk every once in awhile.
The girls in my office have been waiting for me to finally come around to dating him. They have been rooting for him for months, although they know the same stories that I have shared with you, but they have a different view, because they see the little cute things he does to make me laugh. They have discussed my fears with me, but they have other beliefs, because 3 out of my 10 colleagues got together with men who were first best friends and then things shifted.
Is it a guarantee that I fall in love? No way. JS knows that. He knows what I think. He's known all along. I've been brutally honest with him, HECK, I even told him to shave his fuzz.
What is important is that things have not changed for me now that I said I would date him. I don't feel the need to run, be different or freak out right now. He knows Im terrified of losing him as a friend and screwing it all up. He knows the risk himself of getting hurt. Those things were discussed over the weekend, just as they were discussed a year ago and two years ago.
I KNOW I am not dating him because I can't get anyone else or because I need to be in a relationship. He lives almost 4 hours away. We see each other now almost every weekend, but once school starts and the Autumn blows in, it will cut down to every other or third weekend as it always did. If I HAD to be in a relationship, I certainly would seek someone closer. I don't have to be with someone and I certainly have enough time to still go to my groups and make friends, etc.
We will see what we will see. Stay tuned!
I say it is worth the gamble because it is a good one and I have seen good friends all of a sudden work out. And I pray it works! It is good that your coworkers who are there to "see" it are rooting for you.
I had a good friend like that once. And it almost worked out. I think if our circumstances had been different - meaning we were more settled - it might have been different. But he was like 4 hours away and planning to go back to school that would have been 5 hours away and a huge commitment of time which meant no relationship really. And I was working like a dog and wanting OUT of the place I was working. So I was tired. And in the end he was selfish with a few things.
Would I do it again? Yes - because we were good friends who thought that more would work. He is the one I have mentioned that we cannot see each other because he still loves me and wants to go to bed with me. And I do not want him THAT way. So we don't really talk all that much except once a year. This is 17 years later. We had been friends from 5th grade all the way through high school and have kept in touch all this time.
But it was worth the gamble because he is a really good guy and would have been good on paper - the funny thing is that we are not at all a match now and there is absolutely no chemistry and I think he has grown very "lawyerish" and selfish so it is just as well. And would I make the gamble again even though it means I lose a friend? Yes, I would. Because love is worth the risk. And really, if he feels this way, you have to either go forward or forget it because you cannot be friends.
Like I said before, I just pray there is chemistry for you - because that is the only deal breaker - if you do not want him "that" way.
Hope this helps!
Edited to add - I think it would help a lot if you can try to go slow - emotionally - so you don't freak out - really try to limit time with him and have fun instead of talk too much. :-)
Edited 8/6/2007 9:00 pm ET by cl-west1745
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