Shocking NEWS!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Shocking NEWS!
25
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 1:12pm

I finally gave in...

So after 2 years of refusing to be involved, I have finally thrown in the towel.

JS and I are now dating....exclusively (I am not entirely happy about the "E" part). But he is truly my best friend and when I am in his vacinity, I never want to do anything without him. And of course any news that happens in my life, he is the first one I call.

It took some back and forth discussions this weekend, for him to finally lay down the law with me. The biggest expectation was that I am no longer allowed to date anyone else. That I really have to give us a fair chance. That discussion took a few days, but I finally said ok. I realized I was making him really unhappy about not wanting to be with only him. Not just unhappy, but very sad. I didn't want to do that so I decided, as my best friend, for someone I do love and care for very much; it's important that he's happy.

He did ask if I was "in" love with him and I told him I wasn't. I said, I loved him and I cared for him very much, but I wasn't in love with him. He accepted that. Odd thing was the fact that we spent some really good quality time together doing totally different things then we usually do and I kind of saw him in a totally different light that I truly enjoyed and I found myself thinking, I may not know everything about him; maybe their could be more.......

One thing that has stood out in the last 6 months is that he involves the children all the time in everything now. He talks about them all the time. He plans things now that involve them. He NEVER did that. JS to me was always a very selfish bastard. Always thinking of himself. I NEVER said a word to him about it, except once, over a year ago, I told him he would never be type of person I wanted to date, because number one: I couldn't see him dealing with children. I thought he was selfish...

Anyway, strange enough, every time we visit, it gets more and more about the girls. Like the Easter Egg hunt we did together at 2:30am, drunk as skunks in his yard trying to hide 6 dozen eggs and a whole bunch of stuff. That is when it all really started.

JS is financially VERY well off. I don't know HOW well off, but it came in an argument we had about him doing stuff for me all the time and that I didn't want him to spend his money on me. That I thought he needed to keep it for himself. He just laughed and looked at me and said "You really have NO idea? Do you?". I just shook my head and said "I don't care." And of course he said, " I know..that is one of the awesome things about you. You don't care." - So coming to the story over the weekend that is building up to the reason I say he's more involved with the children:
As long as we've known one another, he has ALWAYS wanted jet skii's and decided last summer he would finally buy them, but then, he didn't. I asked him about it this weekend, because he's been putting off the purchase for some time. He said: "Actually, I have decided I rather buy the girls a boat. They would love a boat. We could all be together in it and they could go tubing and skiing. I'm going to buy it this Fall/Winter and then I'll call her "sea-murph". - For those that don't know, it's his nickname for me. Except of course he spells it: c-murph.
It was the idea that he has been putting the girls first in a lot of his thoughts now. 2 years ago, Alex couldn't stand him, because he would just ignore her. Now he's the first one she asks about, because they have so much fun together. In the last half year, he has spoiled them, taught them all sorts of things, this summer he bought their school supplies, he bought them both bookcases and he is throwing Alex a big party for her birthday. He WANTS to do those things. He knows it's very hard for me to deal with it. I'm very proud and it makes me feel like charity. We have had full blown out WAR because I don't like him doing so much for me. I feel ashamed, but I am also finally learning to let him. I know it makes him happy to know he can do something to make us all happy. I couldn't do some of that stuff if it was just me. So I finally and slowly learned to say thank you and just give him a hug. It seems to be all he wants.

Nevertheless, all is not lost: I am still allowed to make fun of him and to tell him he looks awful, when he wears or does something I hate; therefore, I think we compromised pretty well.

I wonder what it's going to be like now?

Strange. So I guess I won't have crazy dating stories for awhile, but I guess I can at least still make fun of him on the board (because he's great fun to make fun of)! We still have that....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 1:16pm

Okay - keep us posted. NO matter what we won't say "see I told you so" - LOL!! We will say we think it is scary at first but we are glad you gave it a try. And love is such a crazy thing. I think the only thing that really pushes my buttons is when I see someone with someone who abuses them or who cheats on them or who uses drugs or alcohol or who is a bum. Because those are unhealthy situations.

I think the reason I gave such a thumbs up is because I have seen you change a lot since the beginning when I first came here - where you are now more picky about what you want and have much better dating skills now. Sure, you are on a mission and are dating - but you are not wasting time with a misfit and that is good. It is all a process for sure. I believe we all have to get out there and work to date and keeping trying until we find one we like.

And this one is stable - and you have a friendship - so those sound good to me.

And 2 of my friends have dated guys who were really into them and they had one big thing they didn't like about the guy
- One friend dated a guy who ate with his mouth open and my friend got totally turned off, but he was so good on paper and he was so persistent that they tried a few new activities that they both liked that didn't involve eating and then all of a sudden she liked him. Now they are married with a baby and are very happy.
- The other friend I know only liked the guy as a friend. But he was so persistent that they spent a lot of time together and are now in love. I think they are going to get married.

And my sister didn't really like her husband all that well in the beginning - they would only date on Monday nights. She dated him for like 6 months and wasn't sure - until they went on a trip and then they hit it off very well. They have been happily married for over 10 years and have 2 kids.

Another guy I know got married, his wife cheated on him within 3 months and then they were divorced. He swore he never wanted another relationship and did not want kids. Then he started helping a single mom in his office and fell in love with her and the kids and went to her house every night after work. I think they are getting married. He never knew he would like kids so much until he spent time with them.

So you never know. I think when you find a good one - who doesn't have addictions, seems to be a good friend and is a good provider - then it is worth a shot. And as I said before I don't think you could just be friends with him anyway so I don't see that you lose anything.

The only thing I see is that you should not go looking for troubles - meaning please don't go into the over-analyzer's club over everything he says and does. Don't push it all too soon and start worrying about the future the house and all that stuff. Just spend time as you have it. I think that Shrimps is the excellent mentor for all of us - in how she goes about her life and the dates each week just fit in around the other stuff. You have to see how it goes over time and not get too attached and worked up over it all.

Okay - enough lectures. I do think everyone here made a good big soup on all the things they see from their perspectives and I think that is really good. You have a lot of things to think about. This is such a great board. I don't think any of us are right or wrong - it is all a work in progress and we all learn from each other. And I especially love how we have all different stories to share. I know when I was dealing with the fireman and the drinking that many could relate and that was good.

It is like we are all looking at an elephant - some see and describe the feet, others the tail and still others the head or trunk. That is the power of a group of people!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 1:24pm

I totally agree! I think a year ago I may have flipped and now I can TOTALLY relate to all views! And really truly: I appreciate everything that everyone has said. It's all just different views....

None of it is bad. I personally feel all of it is good. Some great thought factors.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 1:34pm

I just thought of one more example about the kidless person accepting someone with kids - although it is a flip view.

My friend bikergirl - she comes from a very well to do family and has a LOT of money. Was one of those that just never met the right guy - I think she was the type to always like the guy way more than he liked her - and always got mistreated. I think this is the type of girl who gets a mad crush on someone and then wastes time to make him like her - which never goes right - I have certainly been in THAT boat a few times until I "got it" that a guy has to be that into you.

Anyway, she broke up with this guy because he cheated on her. He was a biker so she wanted to do really good with her racing to snub him. I guess he was always trying to help her and put her down about her biking and her weight.

So, she hires this bike coach. He doesn't really want to deal with a girl who is not a pro - so he charges her a lot of money and says she has to ride a LOT. Which she does. They end up riding a lot together and he falls in love with her. He is divorced with 3 small girls and is 10 years younger - she was 40 when they met.

She never thought herself as the type to have kids and doesn't want kids of her own. And she struggled in the beginning to learn how to live with them - for example, she would leave a very expensive laptop on a TV stand in her living room while they were running around the house - fortunately I was there on that day to show her NOT to do THAT and how to child proof and how to fix a whole bunch of kid meals at once. LOL!! I gave her a crash course!!

Anyway now about 4 years later she loves them and has learned how to accept them and have a relationship with every one of them and how to manage them so she doesn't feel as though her hubbie dumps them on her - she is good at setting boundaries with him too - and she knows she is lucky to offer them something and have them in her life without having to put forth the work to have them. I think they are lucky because she gives them lavash birthday parties and takes them to disney world and helps them with their schoolwork and stuff like that. She even had a good time at making them the most beautiful little girl rooms in her house.

So I would guess this is also what you want to see over time - someone who thinks they are lucky to get kids in their life without all the work of babies and toddlers. But someone who can enjoy them in their own way. And someone who can set boundaries with you about what they can handle and what they can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 4:47pm

Personally I truely hope that you continue to share all of your dating details with us. I with you nothing but the best of luck with JS. Every relationship we enter into has it's own risks and rewards. You have put some thought into this one and decided JS was worth the risk. Good for you. At the end of the day you have to live with the decisions and choices that you make. You also have to live with any resulting regrets and I sincerely hope you have none.
I posted a couple months ago about Kazoo and the fact that he has a very much unplanned child that he supports financially but does not have a relationship with. My jaw hit the floor when he shared that info with me. Many people on this board told me I was crazy to even consider dating him. But I have known him for years (he is someone I have considered to be a good friend for over 12 yrs) and during that time he has proven to be a very giving, caring and thoughtful person. Bottom line many people on this board expressed concern for me (thank you :) others said they felt he shouldn't be judged on that one decision. We have been dating and having a blast ever since. And I honestly have no regrets. I can also tell you that there was a time in my life that I wouldn't have considered dating him mainly due to the fact that physically he wasn't quite what I would have considered attractive. As I have grown older and hopefully wiser, I now put less emphasis on physical appearance...so far I am so glad that I didn't over look this gem!
Good luck Cat and keep us posted!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 10:31pm

Cat,

I've been away for a few days while this conversation has been going (and taken on quite a life!). Just wanted to wish you all the best in this relationship. Life is about taking chances and being open to new things and to seeing people in a new way.

Good luck.

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