Should have read the damn book!
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| Mon, 06-11-2007 - 12:11pm |
So I haven't been here for a while because I've been doing that "maintaining a relationship thing." What I realized, after three months of "maintaining," that what I was really doing was picking up red flags, folding them, and hiding them where I couldn't see him.
I'll try to keep this short, although two sentences into it, you'll probably wonder "what the hell was she THINKING?" - please try to keep in mind that considering this was my 3rd date in FIVE YEARS, I probably allowed for a lot more excuses than I should have - or than I would have recommended anyone else allow.
Something friends asked me repeatedly when hearing me describe my situation "what would you tell US?" I really should have listened to my own advice.
In any event, here was a man - my age range, single, interested in the same things I was, and seemingly interested in me. Yet I had to locate HIM - I had to call HIM - and I had to pursue HIM - and he admitted that had I not done that, it probably would have gone nowhere (his quote? "If it was meant to be, we would have run into each other again at some point.").
For the record, the "meant to be" crap irritates me. Yes, I believe in some sense of fate, and yes, I believe in some sense of "meant to be." But to attribute every little thing that comes into your life to fate or destiny simply removes from you any responsibility to work in anything - after all, if it's meant to be, it will work without any effort from you - and if it's not, it won't work no matter how much you try. Bulls***. Everything requires work.
OK - so red flag #1 - I had to pursue him. Red flag #2 - are you married? No, I'm divorced. Someone explain to these men that "separated for two years and doing nothing whatsoever to pursue a divorce but sending wife my entire paycheck to pay all the bills on our house that I'm not living in because the marriage is over" is NOT divorced...AND, to say your divorced when you're not is lying. Should have walked then - but noooo...bought the "if I told you the truth, you wouldn't have gone out with me" excuse.
Was that it? No, for the next three months, I heard excuse after excuse for everything he did that indicated he didn't really want the relationship. One day I got "I love you, I don't know what I'd do without you, I'm so lucky you're in my life" - the next day I got "all we've been talking about lately is my divorce." OK, I'll admit it - I told him he couldn't have a wife AND a girlfriend and had to choose - he claimed to have chosen the girlfriend, but that would mean actually divorcing the wife. Did he love her and want her back? No - but to actually DIVORCE her meant DOING something - proactive - and possibly confrontational - and never have I met someone with such avoidance techniques in my life.
Another red flag? His last relationship - at 35, his last relationship was with a 20 year old girl - who, by the way, was seeing him behind her parents' back. How did that happen? He came to her house - parked at the corner - she snuck out - and they had sex in the front seat of his dirty Cavalier. Now can that be fun sometimes? Maybe (not for me). This was the "most meaningful relationship he's ever had" - not going to go into details here, but suffice it to say it was the most unhealthy relationship I've ever heard of...and until 2 weeks ago, he still carried her picture in his wallet - because, he said "It's nice to reminisce once in a while." Red flag number 845 - when someone's carrying another woman's picture in his wallet while he's having sex with you because he "wants to reminisce," it's likely he's imagining her face instead of yours - get the hell out.
This man did not know how to use an iron, could not interact in social settings, smoked like a chimney, had serious sexual issues, would not confront anyone or anything but would just shut down and avoid speaking about it - it's easier to continue to send your wife your paycheck, even though it means you can't pay for a date, than it is to see a lawyer, who tells you to send your wife LESS and use the balance to - I don't know - PAY FOR A DIVORCE...no, it's easier to say "I can't afford a divorce right now." It's easier to tell you he "has to work" and then ask them to put him on the schedule than it is to tell you "I don't want to see you." Anything to avoid confrontation.
This relationship was a mistake - not getting out when the red flags started showing themselves was a mistake - not dumping this guy when 857 people told me he wasn't good enough for me was a mistkae - forcing HIM to end the relationship, because I was sick of being "the adult," was a bigger mistake - because that created a whole bunch of "he broke up with ME?" self-esteem issues - I should have just ended it.
Then yesterday, someone gave me the book - you know, the one we've all been told to read? He's Just Not That Into You? and you know what? They're right - and he wasn't.
On with your regularly scheduled programming.

I see each relationship as a learning experience for it gives me more opportunity to be aware of my values, who I am, how I want to behave (or not), and heal the parts that need healing.
If I did not have the relationships I did have then I would not be the wiser, more self aware, more compassionate person that I am now.
I know that experience is the best teacher, not someone telling me what I should or should not do. I apply this philosophy to parenting as well. I know the best teaching for my children is not telling them what to do but to be an example and give them room to try things out and make their own mistakes.
For me, this is different from hearing other people's perspectives/views/observations though. I also appreciate hearing about other people's experiences as well.
Take care and congratulations,
Mark
Well, now you know better and you will do better. It is suprising that some people can do and see all the things you did and just keep doing it and not admit it.
You are wiser now!!
Mamarose,
I'm sorry to hear all you went through- I totally understand where you were coming from and how hard you WANTED this man to WANT you.
Aw, you know what? That all stinks. But you know what else, I'm so glad you shared the experience, since the rest of us can learn from it- and YOU learned from it.
As cliche as it sounds, hindsight really is 20/20, and I think we've all overlooked things simply because we didn't want to see them for what they really were.
You will move on from this smarter, and with the experience in your mind so that it won't happen again.
One of my favorite quotes is "Good judgement comes from experience. Most of that comes from bad judgement." It's a cute way of saying, Live and Learn.
The meant to be crap irritates me, too. Not because I don't believe in fate, because I do, to an extent. I also believe though that life is what you make of it, and I agree that everything requires some modicum of effort, even the happiest of relationships that probably are meant to be.
Sorry that this happened, but I'm glad you got out, and we're always here to vent.
Moody, who hasn't has sex in a car since she was younger than 20
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Moody,
You know what? "Meant to be" has its place...in every part of society. But like you, I don't believe it's there to abdicate us of all our accountability.
Take a job interview - you are looking for a job as a legal assistant, and you get an interview with a prestigious law firm. You show up for the interview in ripped jeans, purple hair, and chomping on a big piece of Bubble Yum. Qualifications aside - do you get the job? Highly unlikely - and probably based entirely on your appearance and demeanor.
Can you then say it "wasn't meant to be?" Come on - really? So if it WAS meant to be, they would have hired you, even though you would have been an esthetic embarrassment to their firm? Doubtful...you STILL have the responsibility to show up to the interview dressed appropriately and prepared.
Same with relationships. Yes, I believe some people are meant to be together...but being human beings with free will, I also believe there is a certain amount of personal responsibility to TRYING to make the relationship work - not being lacksadaisical, apathetic, and inattentive, and then saying "ahh...it wasn't meant to be." Bullsh**!
The more I read this book, the more I realize he had all the excuses in the world, but the truth is, had he REALLY wanted a relationship with me, he would have overcome his obstacles and done it. During a conversation, I mentioned that I hadn't heard from him all day (I kind of like getting random texts throughout the day - even one - that says anything - even "I hate work" - just SOMETHING to let me know I'm being thought about). His response? "Yeah, I realized I hadn't heard from you all day, and I knew it was because you were waiting to hear from me." "But you did nothingn about that?" "No, and I really don't know why."
I do - because he wasn't really into me!!!
When I got the comment "I've just never thought sex was that big a deal," I realized he wasn't "there," because NO man 37 years old that doesn't have some sort of medical condition (or emotional condition as the result of some sexual trauma) thinks that sex is "not that big a deal." I've dated men who didn't want to have sex every time we saw each other, but in those cases, we saw each other daily - or 3-4 times a week - or spent the weekend together - not ONCE A FREAKING WEEK!
I realized that I want someone who can't keep their mind off me, their eyes off me, or their hands off me. And I'm not settling until I get it.
Mamarose (who is hoping this massive amount of self-confidence holds her for at least a little while)
Hey... don't beat yourself up so hard!