Should He Pay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Should He Pay?
18
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 9:39pm
I have been dating this guy for about 8 mo. I have an 18 yr old daughter; he has no children. I learned very quickly that he was far too generous with his money. I watched him buy his friends and family everything from computers, games, their bills, their food, anything and everything. I didn't feel comfortable accepting this so I told him that he shouldn't be paying for everyone and that they are taking advantage of him. I also told him that I'm comfortable paying for myself or helping out once in a while. Of course at the time, I was working (I haven't had a job for a few mo.). Early on, me, my daughter and him had only gone out maybe twice and both times I paid. He made no attempt to pay, which was fine. Since my daughter is older, she is almost always busy doing other things so there aren't many opportunities for the 3 of us to do things together. On a couple occasions the 3 of us went for coffee and I paid for my daughter and he paid for himself. It would have been nice for him to at least OFFER to pay for her. Then a couple nights ago the 3 of us had plans for dinner and a movie. He has been spending a lot of time at my house and when he does, I make dinner (at my expense) or if we have pizza, I pay. Occasionally he'll throw in a few bucks, but that's about it. Anyway, I assumed this night he would take care of since I had already spent money on the previous dinners and it was an opportunity for him to take "the girls" out. When we got to the restaurant and sat down, my daughter left to go wash her hands. He turns to me and says "So, how should we work this...I pay for dinner and you pay for the movie?" I was shocked. We have never discussed who pays what BEFORE anything. It's almost as if, because my daughter was there, he didn't want to pay for her. The rest. is fairly inexpensive so our bill was just over $20. The movie cost me $27! After I paid for the movie he told me he would have paid for himself but no mention of paying for either of us.

I finally blew up the next morning. Am I wrong to expect a guy to pay for me and my daughter when we are going out for the evening, esp. since I'm currently unemployed? Is this my fault for offering to pay once in a while? It makes me angry because I sit back and watch others get a free ride but my daughter isn't worth a movie ticket to him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:44am
He sounds like a dodo. I think you are correct in being annoyed - he should pull at least his fair share if not more and it doesn't sound like he is coming close.

YOu won't change him - you can accept him or boot him. Is he good in other ways? Maybe you should try a heart to heart talk with exactly how you feel and your expectations. And then see what he says.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:24am
It seems to me that you confused him. He was so generous and gave his money away freely and obviously had no problem affording it, but you had a problem with it so he stopped at your request. Now you've changed your mind. Sure he should want to pay for you and your daughter to go out, but he thinks you are doing it fine on your own and want it that way, so he doesn't want to offend you by paying. You see? My DH is very generous too and gets taken advantage of very often by his friends. But he doesn't seem to mind and refuses to stop helping others. Sure it's annoying to watch them take and take...and take. But I can't change who he is. You should have left well enough alone because he's obviously a good man and he's just doing what he thinks you want him to do.

Just my 2 cents...

Mel

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:50am

I think you are wrong to expect him to pay for your daughter or to treat you like it's a "regular" date and pick up your tab when you're all together. I think you're wrong to expect him to do something that you already told him you basically didn't need/want him to do. You communicated to him that he allows people to take advantage of him (in all honesty, probably not your place at this point) and you informed him that you could take care of yourself.


I think you are getting exactly what you asked for from him. Men are pretty simple. You tell him something, he's not going to second guess you and try to "be the nice guy" anyway. That's not how they're built.


You have a couple of options here. A) You can TELL him "hey, I'd love to be wined and dined once in a while. I know I said I can always pay, and mostly I can take care of myself, but I'd love to be romanced by you and go on a traditional date, if we could" OR B) You can continue to pay for yourself, because that's what you told him was fine for you, or C) You can move on to a man who will probably not "allow" you to pay for yourself because he is very traditional. My DH is that traditional man. I tried to pay for myself and let him know I mostly could, and he'd have none of it. If he had been the type (like your BF) to not mind, I'd have probably paid for myself most of the time, and I would have been annoyed as you are, but it would have been my doing for letting him believe that was what I wanted.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:53am
Mel, why do you think he should pay for her AND her daughter??? Not trying to be argumentative, but I think that's a nice "bonus" when men do that but I don't think they should feel like they are dating both the mom and the kid. I know it's a package deal, but somehow I don't think it should be his responsibility. Just my opinion. ;)
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 4:31pm

Hi dreamlovrs,


My impression also was that you gave him a clear message that you didn't want him to pay, that he was being taken advantage of, etc. etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:20pm
I don't necessarily feel like he SHOULD pay for both, but maybe sometimes just to be nice to offer. My view is just lke yours...she asked for it, she got it. Plain and simple. It would be nice if a man would offer once in a while even if you say no, but like you said, men are simple and they don't think like that. It's one way or the other, no in between.

Mel

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:55pm

Hi and welcome


I have to agree that he did exactly what you communicated you wanted and now you want it different, but you haven't communicated this to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:42pm
Honey, he definitely should be paying. And, he should pay for your daughter as well when you three go out together.

I have stopped paying my own way. *period*. I made that mistake too many times in the past. I don't pay for dates anymore. My boyfriend doesn't have any kids. He makes more money than I do. He has a company car. He pays for the dates. I reciprocate by making him dinner every now and then. He might buy lunch and then later, I'll buy the ice cream. But, most definitely, he spends more money on me than I do on him.

And, it's not that I'm a gold digger....far from it. I've just learned that you don't get anywhere when you pay. The guy doesn't respect you for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 8:26am
Guys don't respect you for it? I disagree. I think most guys will now allow a woman to pay, but not because they don't respect the woman if she does. It's most out of chivalry and feeling it is just the right thing to do. His job. But I don't think he SHOULD have to pay for her AND her daughter. Offer? Yeah, but she made it clear she was capable. You tell a man something and that's what they think until told otherwise. Men can't/don't read minds. They hate that crap. If you want it, ask for it. If she asked him to start paying for them both, he probably would without a reason for the change of plans. But she has to make it clear that's what she prefers now.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:41pm
You were wrong to blow up on him.

Furthermore, both of you are wrong to have never discussed what you expect from each other. This is not a first date where the guy is expected to pay. You are both adults, you've been going out for 8 months, and you seem to feel at ease enough with him to tell him that he shouldn't be spending money on other people.

Why haven't the two of you sat down and discussed your expectations of each other? You have some very strong expectations and when he isn't meeting them, you blow up, even though you have never communicated those to him.

Michael

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