Should He Pay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Should He Pay?
18
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 9:39pm
I have been dating this guy for about 8 mo. I have an 18 yr old daughter; he has no children. I learned very quickly that he was far too generous with his money. I watched him buy his friends and family everything from computers, games, their bills, their food, anything and everything. I didn't feel comfortable accepting this so I told him that he shouldn't be paying for everyone and that they are taking advantage of him. I also told him that I'm comfortable paying for myself or helping out once in a while. Of course at the time, I was working (I haven't had a job for a few mo.). Early on, me, my daughter and him had only gone out maybe twice and both times I paid. He made no attempt to pay, which was fine. Since my daughter is older, she is almost always busy doing other things so there aren't many opportunities for the 3 of us to do things together. On a couple occasions the 3 of us went for coffee and I paid for my daughter and he paid for himself. It would have been nice for him to at least OFFER to pay for her. Then a couple nights ago the 3 of us had plans for dinner and a movie. He has been spending a lot of time at my house and when he does, I make dinner (at my expense) or if we have pizza, I pay. Occasionally he'll throw in a few bucks, but that's about it. Anyway, I assumed this night he would take care of since I had already spent money on the previous dinners and it was an opportunity for him to take "the girls" out. When we got to the restaurant and sat down, my daughter left to go wash her hands. He turns to me and says "So, how should we work this...I pay for dinner and you pay for the movie?" I was shocked. We have never discussed who pays what BEFORE anything. It's almost as if, because my daughter was there, he didn't want to pay for her. The rest. is fairly inexpensive so our bill was just over $20. The movie cost me $27! After I paid for the movie he told me he would have paid for himself but no mention of paying for either of us.

I finally blew up the next morning. Am I wrong to expect a guy to pay for me and my daughter when we are going out for the evening, esp. since I'm currently unemployed? Is this my fault for offering to pay once in a while? It makes me angry because I sit back and watch others get a free ride but my daughter isn't worth a movie ticket to him.

Pages

Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:01am

Sorry, this guy is a schmuck for not offering.




http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:39pm
I agree with Michael. If you don't communicate with eachother, you are setting yourselves up to fail.

When I first started dating my SO I didn't know that I made more money than he did. He was always generous with his time and what he could afford. But as we started to spend more time together it became apparent to me that if I wanted to do all these fun and crazy things with him I was going to have to help out. I'm sorry but I don't agree with whoever said that it is wrong to pay for your own way and that men don't respect you for it. I don't think I would ever date the kind of man that would not respect me for holding my own. My point is, when it started to become a bit awkward for us, instead of getting mad, or cutting him loose because he couldn't pay the bill, we talked about it.

We came up with a solution. And it was a good one and it works! And we're still together and we're doing great.

Money isn't everything. If you really like this guy, you're going to need to talk to him to straighten things out, instead of blaming him for not figuring it out on his own. Don't feed the problem, fix it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 3:49pm
It's always hard to put everything down that has happened since you don't want to make the topic TOO long :)

We have discussed the topic of money, several times, so that day I "blew up" was because I was frustrated. In the beginning, when I was working, I told him I didn't think he should feel obligated to pay for me all the time, NOT that he shouldn't pay for me. I still agree with that. I told him I felt the burden was shifting and I was paying the majority of the time and for me, this was a hardship because I wasn't working. He said he would start paying more. Here's an example over the last couple months. He has a fav. pizza place near me. The first time we ordered he paid. The second time, I think he gave $10. Third time only $5. This last time which was last week, he paid zero. Another example; He was coming to my area to buy a $50 game and said after he would take me out to lunch. When he arrived, he just started playing the game and when I asked him about eating, he said he already ate and that he'll just get something on the way home. While we were playing he said he was taking the game over to his sister's (who is married) and if she likes it, he's buying it for her. After he stayed and played for a couple hrs, he headed home. On the way home, we both stopped for coffee (at my daughter's store) and guess who paid for my coffee? I did. He made no attempt to pay and did not offer, but he did buy himself one.

He often tells me he "thought" about sending me flowers but he never actually follows through. Another time he told me he "almost" bought me my favorite movie, the movie he knows I would LOVE, yet during this time he has bought about a dozen movies for himself. I now can see why he's never been w/any woman for long and the one time he was, her complaint was he never did anything for her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:55pm
Very well said, fivesense - I agree with you 100%. It took me some time to figure that out. And I like how you reciprocate with home-cooked meals!! Very nice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:57pm
Oh boy - I just read this one after responding to fivesense. I like this answer too!!

I always like most of the answers here - even though they are different.

You offer a good perspective and a good solution. Thanks :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:00pm
Oh - well this spells it all different from the first post.

No wonder you are upset. You are doing good to talk to him let him know how you feel. All you can do now is see what happens.

Keep us posted. And make sure you set boundaries and don't do more than your fair share. Can you tell us more about him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:41pm

That additional info shed a LOT more light.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: dreamlovrs
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 8:56pm
Hi

After reading the second post, I do still think you all needed to get this communicated before it came to a head, but I guess that's water under the bridge. It is troubling that he is good at saying all these things he intended to do and never does them. The road to hell and all that...

But I don't know that he's a lost cause. Has it gotten any better, has anything changed since you spoke to him about it?

Hugs

Tara

Pages