Should i date him?
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| Sat, 07-08-2006 - 2:01pm |
I haven’t dated all year and last week I met a man at church. I didn't think anything of it..afterall I view church as a place where you come and get fed, not a place for love connection. We exchanged phone numbers, which I have done before with a few men at church. And of course, they were nothing more than friendships.
Anyway, this guy and I took our kids out one evening to hang out at a local pizzeria. And again, I didn't think anything of it. Somehow, we ended up going out 3 days later...alone on a date. Since then, we have talked on the phone frequently for about a week. And somehow, something has changed...
We made a connection. We have deep conversations and seem to understand eachother so much that sometimes...we don't even have to say anything. The only thing is..our circumstances are very different and complicated. I am 23 years old and he is 32 years old. I have never been married and he got divorced 3 years ago. He has 4 kids and I have 1 child. Even how we were raised is different.. He is from a different culture from me. A culture in which I understand very little about. But...even after all the facts are reviewed and looked at....I still like him.
I guess my question is: Do I continue this..or not? I am so confused. I told my girlfriends (of course, none of them are Saved) and they told me that I cannot marry him.. They told me that he will be paying child support for the next 15 years... But I am not a superficial kind of girl. I value love and family, not money and frivalous things of this world. I appreciate truth and honesty. I don't care if he is not a supermodel and a trendy guy...or if he has a lot of money or not..
But I have been getting so much bad advice...that I am beginning to wonder. It has only been a week and I already have thought about my future with this guy. I am not looking to date around, so I don't want to waste my time with people who do not seem to share my love of life. I know it is too soon to be thinking about marriage and other stuff..but should I just be friends with this guy?
Afterall, one of the reasons I do not want to date him is because we go to the same church. I do not want to date people from my church because I worry whether we will be together or not. I guess you can say that I am avoiding drama at church... But on the other hand, should I pursue just to see where it goes? Because with all honesty, so far of what I have learned about him... I like... Which is weird because I said I would never date a man who was divorced or with children. I guess, its different because he divorced his ex wife because she refused to follow Christ and in turn, began affairs with various men.
I am a single mother with one child...and I don't know whether I should take a risk and see where it goes... or not?
Confused.. please help.

Even though you come from different cultures and backgrounds, the two of you do share in your religious beliefs (I'm assuming, since you go to the same church). That is very important and a good foundation to start from. Like you said, it has only been a week and it's not like you are going to be marrying him a month from now. It sounds like you really like this guy and you said you have a connection. So, why not just date him and see where it goes?
Good luck!
I guess.. I am scared for various reasons. I am a very strong willed and independent woman, but just like anyone else I have my weaknesses. I guess at this point in my life, my family & friends play a big part of me and at the same time they are also my weakness.
Some of my family and friends will tell me that this is not the guy for me. He has a lot of tattoos...grew up in the ghetto... the whole nine yards. I grew up in a big city..but was kinda the girl next door...well kinda. My friend met him and told me that we didn't look right together. I know their way of thinking and at times it is very superficial. In my culture, women usually aim for men who are established and wealthy. Especially because I am a single mother, it would be the "wisest" choice I could make for my life. But that is not who I am.. I am not a gold digger nor do I value $$ over happiness.. You see, in my cutlure many women marry the $$ and live a life of self fulfillment and gratification.
And if that wasn't enough...I have a crazy aunt. She is very controlling and will be deceptive if she feels it is appropriate. She didn't like my last ex and told me last year that he never loved me and all these other lies just to get me to move on with my life. I am confused because I don't want to have someone else forced to tolerate her behavior. And at the same time, I can't just turn my back on her... She is almost like my mother.. She is at times extremely nuts, but I just couldn't cut her off..
Would you date someone from your church/group? Isn't it a bad choice? What if it ended badly? I mean..this guy works there too.
Hello and welcome to our board. Glad to have you find us!!
From what you write here, it sounds like he is a great guy - and you have a good enough life to see it. If he is involved in your church and a good father to his children that is great because you value those things, too. Some, like your friends, who don't value that don't see the good.
Did you ever sit down and make a list of the things you have to have in a relationship? And the things you can't stand? I had to do that for one of the online dating sites and found that process to be enlightening. For example, I would want someone who is a Christian, shares the same parenting philosophy (positive reinforcement), is fit/active and intelligent. I don't want someone who has an addiction of any kind, has a bad temper or is reckless with money. I don't have to have someone who has a lot of money - just a good person who can manage their money and be smart for the future.
As long as he meets your criteria, that is great. I would not worry about culture unless there are things about his culture that he is accustomed to that you cannot stand. For example, I know I would not want someone from a culture that treats their women poorly or has a totally different religion.
As far as the kids are concerned - the way I would look at it is that kids are great as long as they are a good influence for my own child and they are either at an age or emotional stage where they can be accepting of me and my child. If they have serious behavior problems, I wouldn't sign up. Some people, and you sound like one, really love a family atmosphere and activities - so the more the merrier. It just depends on what you want and what you like - there is no right or wrong.
It sounds like you are both having a great time getting to know each other and that a fine interest is developing. He sounds nice from what you have said here. Perhaps you should be a little firm with your friends that they do not impose their own wishes on you.
Keep us posted - I hope you come back and participate in our posts and keep us updated!! I wish you well and hope I have helped you somehow.
Hi and welcome to the board!
It sounds like you're interested in this man, so why are you questioning it?
Where he grew up is one thing - but what he does with his life now is another? Does he seem dependable? Responsible? Is he good with his kids?
If all of your friends and family are saying no you should keep that in mind - they know you - but perhaps they will change their minds if he is a good person and treats you well and makes you happy.
I think you have a lot of questions that can be answered in time with casual dating and getting to know each other as friends first. Remember that your kids don't date - so keep them out of it - it is not fair for a kid to get attached to another adult and their kids and then have that yanked.
As for going to the same church - I am not sure. It is not like you work together - I would see that as manageable if it didn't work out - but maybe this is one more reason to go slow in the beginning and become friends first and see how you feel about him over time.
You are asking a lot of good questions - that is good you are thinking a lot about all of these things. Keep us posted!
I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I appreciate it very much. It has been very helpful :)
But what do you guys think about him having 4 children? And that I also have 1 child of my own? What are your thoughts?
Thanks ;)
Only you can decide that. I would tend to be real selfish for myself and my kid - if they can provide a great family atmosphere and good nurturing opportunity for me and my kid then it would be okay. But if they are not that way then I would think twice.
Hopefully the others here will share their experiences.
What about your own goals? Do you want more children of your own? Are you happy to have a big blended family and an opportunity to step-parent children that would benefit from you?
It is good that you are asking these questions. You are young, so you have your whole life ahead of you.