Should I go to the concert with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Should I go to the concert with him?
4
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:07pm

Some of you know all about my xbf saga. Well, now I guess you could say we are really good friends, who flirt incessantly. We work together, so we there's all kinds of cute little exchanges. It feels alot like the beginning of our relationship. The only thing is, he maintains that he's happy being single. Ok, no problem there. I mean, I like being single too. I do miss him so much and I still love him, but the relationship had problems, so unless he comes to a serious epiphany, I'm happy just letting things ride out.

Having said that, xbf comes up to me today and tells me that his favorite rock group is coming to town for a concert, but he can't get anyone to go with him and he doesn't want to go alone. By the way, it's a very obscure group that I also happen to love. And he put one of their songs on his phone as the ring tone when I call him. I just played it off, like "Oh, maybe you can get so and so to go with you..." He seemed dissapointed.

This is what irritates me about him - if he wants me to go to the dang concert with him, why can't he just ask me? Well, maybe he thinks I'd construe it as a date.

So, what do you guys think I should do? Should I offer to go with him as friends only? Or would that be too pretensious? Could I be reading into this wrong? I'd love to start "dating" him, even in an obscure fashion, to see if he's really made the changes that it seems he's making. I think we are heading back together, but I don't want to move too quickly. Any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 1:34am

Wait for him to ask you, plain and simple.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 8:34am

Sit him down and spit out your feelings.

Tell him that you would be willing to date him again if he would own up to his part of problems and you would do the same.

Bottom line with this concert - if he wants to take you as his date you will go - but it is too soon for you to be JustFriends. That is his decision.

Don't set yourself up for confusion in the heart department. If he wants your company it comes with a price.

I don't think it would benefit you in this situation to hang out and hope for more. Because then you just become a friend with benefits and not something special. If you set a boundary and give yourself worth then you will be worth something.

AND since you work together and see each other every day you have to be careful here. How will you feel if he pulls this go with me as friends crap and then comes walking in next Friday with some hot bimbo on his arm?

Good luck and keep us posted!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 11:48am

"So, what do you guys think I should do? Should I offer to go with him as friends only? Or would that be too pretensious? Could I be reading into this wrong? I'd love to start "dating" him, even in an obscure fashion, to see if he's really made the changes that it seems he's making. I think we are heading back together, but I don't want to move too quickly. Any ideas?"

Be honest with yourself. There is NO WAY you can be just friends with him. You know you want much more than that. IF you think he deserves a second chance and he has made changes, then he needs to PROVE it. He needs to ASK you straight out to go with him. You said you are wanting to date in an obscure fashion. Can you handle it that he might be seeing other women?

You also need to be prepared that he may be stringing you along. Don't just take any scrap of attention he throws you. If he thinks he has you wound around his little finger, you are in for some major heartbreak.

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 12:34am

You guys are right, as always. Thank you. I'm not sure where I read it (maybe on this board?), but it was something about how you should switch your thinking from trying to earn love to realizing that you deserve it. And that's how it always was with xbf. I had to be what he expected in order to earn his love. He wanted me to be free and independent and confident, and that is who I am, or at least I'm on my way to it. But he got to know me on a very personal level and I dropped my defenses. I thought it was safe to let him know my vulnerabilities. But he just called me needy. And as a result I felt like I always had to prove my independence to him, like a kid trying to please her father. Well, screw it! I deserve to be loved and I shouldn't have to jump through hoops to get it! I am who I am if he doesn't love me, then too bad for him, right?

Anyway, he did ask me to happy hour tomorrow night. I'm going, but only because I promised a friend I'd hang with her and it is another friend's birthday. And I made it clear to xbf that those two friends are the reasons I'm going. Nothing else. Okay, so I'm secretly hoping he'll do something amazing, like purpose in front of all our friends in this huge Hollywood ending moment. He would never share his emotions with me, so he'll show me how much he loves me by declaring his feelings in a public place. Okay, I'm kidding (sort of). Seriously, I'm just going to go to happy hour and do my thing. I'll wait for him to come to me. Because he may very well be stringing me along and I DO NOT want to be his fool anymore.

Thanks for all the great advice!