Should I hang out with him?
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| Wed, 01-31-2007 - 8:53pm |
A guy I dated casually for 3 weeks that cancelled our date because he was "thinking about personal stuff" and then did not call for days... called after a week. He said he was afraid to call cause he did not know what my reaction would be. He told me that he was thinking about getting back with his ex wife and mother of his two kids. She asked him to get back together. They always remained friends and share custody of the kids. He is dating her to see how it goes. They broke up because she accused him of cheating, which he denies.
I told him to think about it carefully and do what is best and makes him happy. I wasn't mad or anything like he thought that maybe I would be. I really appreciate his honesty with me.
The thing is, he told me that he wants to remain just friends with me cause we have many things in common and likes me a lot. I feel the same way. I would like to keep him as a friend (nothing more). I can really be just friends with a guy I've dated. I'm still friends with my boyfriend of 4 years. Just friends... and we broke up six years ago. But I told him that I won't go out just the two of us because I don't want to interfere with him and the girl he is dating now. I won't even call him because of that. He said that he understands but that he wants to invite me to hang out with the group of ex-coworkers of ours (some of which know we dated)just as friends and that there's nothing wrong with that, that his ex has her own friends too. I'd really like to keep hanging out with them.
I don't want problems for his new relationship or for me because of people saying we're dating when we're not. Should I hang with our group or just avoid any place he is to avoid misunderstandings?
Thanx for your advice!

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I'd avoid him.
Do you folks share a lot of friends? Is it possible to avoid him? Even in a group you can be civil without being chatty.
Just give it time and space it will develop into a friendship if it was meant to be.
Hi there, and welcome.
I think if YOU are uncomfortable in any way, it's better to err on the side of caution. People are going to think what they're going to think- you have no control over that. So if it would make you uncomfortable to have them thinking you were more than friends, don't hang out with him.
If, on the other hand, you don't give a rat's behind what they think, and KNOW the two of you aren't doing anything inappropriate, there's nothing wrong with maintaining a casual friendhsip with him.
It's also up to him to maintain his relationship with his wife. Whatever she thinks, however she feels, that's his problem. You aren't married to her, and frankly, if she's that insecure and jealous, he's probably looking for anyone to spend time with. This will set her off, and give him a valid reason to go again, without being the bad guy.
Just my opinion, I know everyone else will chime in, too!
Moody, who wouldn't care what other people thought, but also wouldn't go
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I would say the answer to your question depends on how you feel about him. If you will be hurt then you should take a break to get over him - because you do need all contact to stop for feelings to disappear. OR if you still like him and hope to get him back then you should also avoid him so you will be open to meeting someone else.
But if you feel you can handle seeing him again then by all means keep getting out of the house with your friends. Chances are he may be with his gf (formerly exw) and not there that much.
I would NOT worry about what his exw thinks - that is his problem and her problem and should not stop you from getting out to have fun and meet someone else. She is lucky you are so gracious!!
I wouldn't hang out with him or even answer his phone calls. He sounds kind of messed up to me with the whole exw is his gf, or maybe not his gf. She's the exw and the ex-gf. Oh, and according to him, she's psycho jealous. (man with psycho ex's in his life = man who loves the drama).
If you want to hang out with the ex co-workers, go for it. I'd make friends with one of those other people to arrange times to hang out...not make any plans directly with him or even care if he was around.
btw, he wasn't being your friend when he didn't call for several days. That's his pattern. He'll drop you (even as a friend) just whenever he feels like it.
Hi there,
Although his honesty is admirable, his situation is very messy and complicated. You really don't want to get involved in that. Why complicate your life with other people's mess? You have plenty of other friends who won't jerk you around like he does, and the last thing anyone needs is a jealous wife in the background. She will never believe you are just friends and it could get nasty.
I would say steer clear. But don't put your own social life in jeopardy. Keep doing the things you would do anyway, and if he is there be civil, but not encouraging. I agree that you should avoid phone calls and one-on-ones. If he's there in a group, so be it, but otherwise, I would not have anything to do with him.
Good luck!
Clem xx
Good job. that sounds very direct clear honest and reasonable. Good for you.
Congrats!!
On a bit of a threadjack, Fivesense said,
"man with psycho ex's in his life = man who loves the drama"
Is this really true? People make mistakes, people make decisions on bad judgemnt and can grow and learn. My son's dad, my "ex" was a screaming, throwing, ill tempered mad man. I learned! that was seven years ago. Every relationship I have had since was peaceful, we had disagreements but were at low volume, the guys were kind and stable.
I'd really like to think that she's a bit off the mark as a generalization, although this guy, especially the fact that he'd consider getting back with her indicates that this statement might be likely in this case!!
As far as the psycho exes comment, I think just like in every aspect of life, there are general rules most of us follow, and also exceptions to all of those rules.
I have a crazy, psycho ex in my past, too. The thing is though that there is absolutely NO contact between us. He in my past, and will remain there forever. I would think that a man would have cause for concern if I was still in contact with him, especially if I made it clear how crazy he was. There's a difference between making a mistake and learning from it, and making the same mistake over and over.
I learned from mine, don't date men like him anymore, and when I'm done dating a man, I'm done. I certainly have exes who are casual friends still, but I'm very decisive about my feelings and even more decisive about my actions. Once I'm through, I feel nothing for a man anymore, and I never second guess my decision.
Moody, whose exes are just that for a reason
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Hey girls!
queenbun wrote: "Even if he's just keeping you on the back burner in case things don't work out, you need to move on to someone who is able to be yours alone. If he's genuinely interested in things working out with his X he has to totally commit to that relationship. You want to take the high road, do not involve yourself with someone who could put you in the position of being the cause of his break up."
That's one possible reason for him to still be calling me when he is already dating someone else... the back burner thing.
A second possible reason: He actually likes me as a friend (only time can tell this one). He told me that he really likes me as a person and will keep calling me as a friend. (This was after I rejected the invitation to have sex in his house, and this took courage cause I really wanted to!!!) I really like him as a friend too. Our personalities really cliked. I didn't expect that.
A third reason: He is still talking to me just in hope of getting sex on the side. I told him that he needs to be only with the girl he is dating right now if he really wants it to work out and he said I was right.
I REALLY like him and I could try to get him to break up with her again, but I'm really not like that. I don't wanna cause breakups, much less when there are children involved.
Only time will tell which are his motives. I hope it's the friendship thing. I doesn't happen much, but it has happened. :)
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