Should I have sex with him yet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
Should I have sex with him yet?
7
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:21pm
I'm new here and have a question!
I just started dating this guy about 3 weeks ago. So far, we have gone out about 3 times...so on average, once a week. We don't talk on the phone much at all (maybe once a week for a few minutes, basically to plan the date) and he text messages me maybe 2 times a week. I asked him why he doesn't call me more, and he said that he is "bad at talking on the phone, and doesn't like it"....what does this mean? Is this true that guys really DON'T like talking on the phone?
Anyway, other than the phone thing, everything else is great with us. We get along well and have a lot in common! We talked for hours on friday night, about everything. There was never a dull moment in our conversation and had a great time. Later on during the night, we started making out in the middle of watching a movie. He asked if we could go over to his bed. So we went over there and he started trying to take off my pants. I stopped him because I am on my period. He was very disappointed. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said so naturally "have sex"...I was kind of floored here. He acted like it wasn't a big deal really. I mean, in our previous dates, we did mess around a little and make out...but never got that far. In fact, a couple weeks ago I did tell him that I didn't want to have sex that night and he said that was fine. I guess now because we have been dating 3 weeks that we are "ready" for sex in his eyes? I told him that I have only been with one other person in my life..and I didn't know if I was really ready to have sex with him yet. I asked him what made HIM so special? He said that sex isn't really that big of a deal. He said he has been with maybe 7 people or so. By the way, I am 22 and he is 23.
Maybe because I have only been with one other person (whom I had a very long term relationship with) I am nervous about doing it with someone new. I don't know. He acted like he wanted to do it on the next date. I think he is kind of expecting it. Anyway, my question is- is sex that big of a deal? Am I making too much of this? I mean, I DO really want to have sex with him...I am very attracted to him and interested, but I feel that we need to maybe KNOW eachother better...(he said he thinks we know eachother well enough) or something. If he called more, or if we saw eachother more, then maybe we could get to know eachother better...but we've only seen eachother 3 or 4 times since we met.
What should I do? I am afraid that I will get very attached if I have sex with him...But I don't want him to lose interest if I don't have sex with him yet. Do you think he is just using me for sex? He does seem to really be genuinely interested in me, and said he is ready for a relationship. He text messaged me today, saying that he was talking about me all night with his friends, about how much we have in common, and how "hot" I am, etc. He seems to really like me. I am just skeptical about him not calling me! Is this just a guy thing?
Should I just go forward and have sex with him? I don't want him to think I'm weird if I wait longer, in this day and age, it would be unusual to wait much longer!
HELP! Thanks in advance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 12:27am

So you've only gone out about 3 times and you don't feel like you're ready but he does. The answer to your question of 'should I have sex with him yet?' should be: ONLY when YOU are ready to. Not when HE is ready to. I think he knows you're the right one for him for sex, because you have a vagina and he has a penis. If sex is "no big deal" to him, then that is his prerogative. But if you want sex to be more than just that, then by all means, DON'T have sex with HIM, because you're not both on the same page with this issue. It doesn't mean he and his viewpoint is wrong, because I know there are alot of people (both male and female) who think of sex as 'no big deal'. But I also know that there are people out there who want the sex to mean something more intimate.

The issue here is, if you want someone who will think of sex the way you do, then you should wait until you find a partner who thinks of sex the way you do. If it is THIS guy, who knows? But at this point, I don't think so- because he's already said that it's not a big deal.

Don't ever have sex with a man just so you can keep him, or try to keep him interested. I bet many of the women here can tell stories of men who seemed interested until they had sex (usually too early in the stages of the relationship), and then the man would disappear. The real test is to NOT have sex with him yet- and see if he stays interested. Three dates does not test his loyalties or pass the test of time. If you put off the sex act longer, and he is willing to wait for you (without getting all frustrated with you)- then maybe his interests are genuine. If he doesn't want to wait until you are truly ready, then you haven't lost anything anyway. You make it sound like you don't want someone like that. Let him go and good riddance, if you are wanting more than 'just sex' for a relationship.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 12:56am

I truly believe that if you have to ask, "should I have sex with him yet?" then you're NOT ready to have sex with him.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 10:09am

No one could write a better post than this, Shrimps.

I chime in with Shrimps and Alison - I think our OP should wait.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:31am

I just wanted to add a warning...


We see a lot of posts here on this board about sleeping with a guy and never hearing from him again... so please be strong and hold out for your values and your heart.


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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 1:44pm

Without sounding to blunt that guy has red flags written all over him. What you do is your choice, but I heed warning... Stay away from his home or your home. No alone time. You want to wait, this guy might suddenly think your being a tease. If you aren't ready to have sex with the guy, then don't give him indication of it, by going to his place alone or asking him to come over. You should be in as many social settings as possible, even if it's just a cup of coffee. Don't go for the movie alone at his place bit. You obviously saw where that lead. You don't know him and he does seem to be pressuring you. The whole thing with not calling, pulling down your pants, etc. The guy wants nothing more then just sex. You can either give it some more time and then I mean a LONG time and see if he goes on his merry way himself, or he will suddenly fall for you and things could work out, but not if you sleep with him now. He'll walk out the door in two seconds flat and leave you feeling hurt and dumb.

Second guessing your decision proves you are not ready and your gut is telling you the right instinct (don't do it). Give it more time. If he is really interested, he'll stick around.

p.s.: if sex is only sex for this guy then that is the indication he is not interested in anything else. Sex is WAY more then just SEX. At least for a woman. Secondly, if he considers it "JUST" sex, then I hope you have a glove ready, because this man has STD's written all over him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 7:55pm

Just wait!! Go with your gut that is telling you to wait!!!! No man should make you raise these questions. You will know when it is right.

I am a lot older than you and hadn't been in a new relationship in many, many years. The thought of sleeping with somebody new totally freaked me out. The guy I am seeing now said and did all the right things. He was so in tune with what I needed that when we finally made love, it was amazing. And I have to say that we "made love", not just "had sex".

Don't let him pressure you.

deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 8:58pm

Hon, wait, don't do him, if he's acting like it's no big deal them it is, to him,, your having to many questions, you won't be doing it for the right reason, so don't do it is my advise..I'm only 10 years older than you, but do you have any idea how many I wish I had made wait?? Most of them would have walked away, and some of them did after I gave in...Do it cause you can't keep your hands off him, and you WANT him,, then if he walks away, you don't feel quite as used...

Florence