Should I leave Him

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Should I leave Him
17
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:57am
I have been with my current boyfriend a few years now we have lived together for 2 years. We have had our problems and he has recently really been trying to make our relationship better. Also he wants a child. The problem is I already have a son ho is now 10 years old and he doesn't want to be bothered with him. Now he doesn't treat him badly, he talks to him and things like that when they are at the house together. But other than that he doesn't want to do anything with him especially on their own. He doesn't mind him going places with us when we all go out, but as far them having a one on one he is never for it. He seems to feel that this shouldbe no big deal for me and the fact that he has never done if for the past two years shouldn't bother me either. I can't understand how he could think that. He also seems to feel he has no real obligation to my child even though he is with me and even though he wants us to have a child.

I just don't feel comfortable having another child with someone who doesn't love the child I have. He says he loves him but I don't feel that. I just don't know what to do and I can't believe that I am being unreasonable.

His mother let a male who was not he father mistreat him and she choose the male over him. I am starting to think he feels thats the way it should be. When he was younger him and his mothers husband never had a realtionship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: archly
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:23pm
Not sure if leaving is the answer just yet. Maybe some talking between you two or counseling so that you both can have a neutral party help you. Maybe he does believe the way it should be is to be like his family. But that can change if he's willing to talk about it with you or a counselor. He has to be made aware of the fact that you don't have to become your parents.

I advise against having another baby until/unless this is resolved.

I know I'd never have a baby with my DH unless he was willing to be 100% supportive to my son. And he is so loving with him. Tucks him in at night, they went on Halloween to buy pumpkins, they throw the ball outside, the things you want to see your BF do with your son and the things your son would like him to do with him, I'm sure.

Get some help first and let yourselves have a chance to make it right. Then if he never comes around, you let him go knowing you tried.

By the way, welcome to the board!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: archly
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:29pm
I definitely would not have a baby with this man until you no longer have doubts about being a partner with this guy.

In his defense, many natural fathers are not that involved with their own children. But, if you get the feeling that your guy is just tolerating your son, then I'd have a problem with it.

How does your son feel? Does he feel like he's the fifth wheel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: archly
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:46pm
I agree with the other messages and wanted to add something else.

What are your thoughts on this man as a husband and life partner? You do not mention that. I would not consider having a child unless I was married.

You two definitely have a lot of talking to do regarding your and his expectations on his responsiblities and actions as a father, both natural and as stepdad.

I think you are right to listen to your inner voice - it is definitely giving you a red flag.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: archly
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:53pm
West said: "What are your thoughts on this man as a husband and life partner? You do not mention that. I would not consider having a child unless I was married."

I couldn't agree more. I think your discussions of having a child are putting the cart WAY before the horse. I got pregnant (while on antibiotics and using a back-up method for the pill) while dating my now husband, and it's not something I would recommend, ever.

Before I would even CONSIDER having a child with someone, I would want to be married. Also, before I would EVER marry a man, I would make sure he understood that by being with me, as a single mom, HE WOULD BE CO-PARENTING MY CHILD.

Before my husband and I married, we took premarital counseling specifically for people going into a second marriage, and we attended step-parenting classes. We had these issues ironed out. Had we not, I never would have married him. And I certainly wouldn't have had a PLANNED pregnancy with him. Please be aware that if you DO go ahead and have a child with this man, that your 10 year old son is never going to feel like a part of the family. He is going to feel like an outsider because your boyfriend has treated him as one (while living together) for 2 years and you've allowed it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: archly
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:54pm
It is natural for you to want there to be a special connection between your son and SO if you are going to have a family together. It sounds like you don't feel like the three of you are really a close family now, and that having a baby isn't going to make it so. I agree with that. If he's been around since your son was 8 that is plenty of time for them to develop a bond. I don't have a lot of experience with this, but I did grow up without my father around. When I was 17 or so my now step-father moved in. It was a very hard adjustment for all of us and we did not make it easy on my step-dad (they weren't married at that point). I soon left to go to college but ended up coming right back. My sister had a few years to go before she left for college. It took years but because my step father was persistent in showing concern about our well being, we grew to love him. I now can't imagine not having him there. I figured since I grew up without a father, I wouldn't ever need one. But all children need fathers, even grown ones.

A bond with a step-child might be different than a bond with your own child, but that doesn't mean there can't be a bond there. I agree with the other poster that said he might want to consider counseling (or joint counseling) so he can resolve his issues from his mother and her decisions. But if he won't work on it, then you have to decide if you will settle for the current situation or not. IMHO, there are plenty of parents who are disengaged and do not pay enough attention to their children. It sounds like you are a caring parent, and you want to be in a relationship with someone who will be that way also. I don't think that is too much to expect.




Edited 11/11/2004 12:56 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
In reply to: archly
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:56pm
Well my son has noticed it. But he doesn't seem that effected by it. He father has never been around and he doesn't really mention him either. But, also ther have been sometimes when my boyfriend has tried to show a little attention. Like one time we were at the mall and my son had hurt his finger really bad. So my boyfriend asked him to see it and my son act liked he didn't want o show him or that he didn't really want to be bothered. I think that hurt my boyfriends ego a little. But my thing is he is the adult, he should know what my son is feeling especially since he went through the same thing. I am sure my son wants more security about him before opening up.

It's like dealing with two children on this matter. It drives me crazy, I feel uncomfortable around the two of them sometimes. He feels my son doesn't respect him. He takes every childish thing my son does that effects him personally. Like once my son took his clippers and tried to cut his own head ...he cut a plug in his head, He got in trouble and put on punishment, but for the life of me I couldn't understand why my botfriend felt like that was some personal attack on him, that is was some obvious showing of disrepect, instead of it just being a boy curious about clippers and messing with them.

I messed with a lot of stuff when I was a child that I shouldn't have that didn't mean I didn't respect my parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: archly
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:10pm
>>>Well my son has noticed it. But he doesn't seem that effected by it.<<<

IMHO the effects may not be noticable until he grows up and has difficulty in relationships because he's never known what it's like to be in a loving, caring family unit... or more importantly, because his main example is a loving mother and a distant, uninvolved father figure.

From age 3 to 17 it was just me, my sister and my mom. She had a couple boyfriends while I was growing up, but we never spent much time with them. It is only now, at 34 years old, that I can appreciate what having a father who abandoned me, and having no other father figure until I was grown, did for my ability to choose a mature, caring partner to live my life with and have children with. I know there are worse ways to grow up than in a household with only one loving parent, but that was my situation and it did have an effect on me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: archly
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:17pm
I think the counseling is a good idea for the two of you. If you really love eachother and want to make a go of this, and you want your relationship to last and be healthy, you need to learn to communicate these things.

As a full-time step-parent to two little boys with a whole lot of issues, I struggle sometimes. I know I'm the adult, but sometimes under extreme situations, I can't help myself. Example: the 7 year old often whines or complains or refuses to do something I ask until I've asked about 3-4 times or impose some sort of consequence. One time, after several of these types of incidents, he was bouncing a ball against the wall and I asked him to stop...3 times. He wouldn't stop. I had had enough and I took it personally. I reacted by taking the ball from him and chucking it out the window, over the fence where he would never be able to get it again. (Evil stepmom stunt #9). LOL

My SO upon seeing my reaction asked me "Do you think he does it to personally upset you?" And that's when I stopped and realized that wasn't the case. 7 yrold's been recently diagnosed with ADHD AND ODD. And NOW I understand him much better and know what to do...counseling is helping ALOT.

Regardless, step parenting is tough! You've got to WANT to do it, and then you still struggle sometimes.

Before you make any plans for a serious committment and more children, help yourselves to some counseling to determine if this is what you both want, and how you're both going to make it work.

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
In reply to: archly
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:50pm
For me the feelings that this man could be a life long partner had to be there before I even introduced him to my son. I had been dating him off and on not seriously though 2 years before he really was given a chance to be around my son and we were dating seriously a year before we moved together. I have known him since high school and one of this biggest attractions we have is that we have many views and beliefs that our very important to us in common. He has a lot to offer my son especially in the realm of what I want my son to be taught as far as beliefs.

I may have a little different view on what constitutes "marriage", but for me a decision to have any more children by him is a decision to commit to a life long partnership. Though as many of us know even popularly accepted versions of marriage don't always last. Even though along with children he has brought up marriage, to me the decision is one in the same.

There's a lot more to the whole story, I agree counseling is needed to correct the problems that exist. He also has a son he is fighting with the mother to see now. The mother was married already and her husband his on the child birth certificate. Too make a long story short I have seen him so sad and depressed at the fact that he can't see his own, sometime I think he is taking that bitterness out on my son (again he doesn’t mistreat him). However, I think it keeps him from getting close to him maybe even feeling like if he cant be with his son and take care of him he shouldn’t be that way with my son either.

Counseling is definitely needed. The next thing would be how to get him to see that and get him to go.




Edited 11/11/2004 1:51 pm ET ET by ARCHLY

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: archly
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 2:05pm
A child who doesn't have a relationship with a man isn't going to accept his teaching on values and beliefs. Which is why my siblings (who have a different dad than I do - from my mom's first marriage) don't believe ANYTHING my father taught them to be true in the relm of values and beliefs - because when they were children - he had no relationship at all with them - and they had no relationship with their own father.

I understand that others view a "lifetime commitment" and marriage as one in the same, but I don't. My husband vowed his commitment to me the day I found out I was pregnant - but I struggled with insecurity until the day we finally married. As I have been divorced - I know that piece of paper won't hold two people together, but I believe in marriage, I value marriage. I know you may not feel that way - but I do. And I also believe that society still dictates having children inside the confines of marriage is best and most socially acceptable, and having children out of wedlock is not. My husband and I didn't get married until our son was almost one - and going through that experience definitely confirmed my thoughts on that subject.

How to get him to see that? "I will never agree to have a child with you unless and until your issues with my son, who you will be coparenting until he is a man, are addressed. As we've been unsuccesful in resolving these issues ourselves, I feel counseling is required. I will not discuss the issue of having a child with you until this issue is addressed."

And - a question - if he isn't willing to parent your son because of the guilt issues he feels about his child from a previous relationship that he isn't able to parent, how will he resolve those feelings in order to be able to parent your (plural) child together?

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