Should I leave Him
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Should I leave Him
| Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:57am |
I have been with my current boyfriend a few years now we have lived together for 2 years. We have had our problems and he has recently really been trying to make our relationship better. Also he wants a child. The problem is I already have a son ho is now 10 years old and he doesn't want to be bothered with him. Now he doesn't treat him badly, he talks to him and things like that when they are at the house together. But other than that he doesn't want to do anything with him especially on their own. He doesn't mind him going places with us when we all go out, but as far them having a one on one he is never for it. He seems to feel that this shouldbe no big deal for me and the fact that he has never done if for the past two years shouldn't bother me either. I can't understand how he could think that. He also seems to feel he has no real obligation to my child even though he is with me and even though he wants us to have a child.
I just don't feel comfortable having another child with someone who doesn't love the child I have. He says he loves him but I don't feel that. I just don't know what to do and I can't believe that I am being unreasonable.
His mother let a male who was not he father mistreat him and she choose the male over him. I am starting to think he feels thats the way it should be. When he was younger him and his mothers husband never had a realtionship.

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The question was should I leave him. Should I leave now or give it more time. Since the last two years of us living together he has wanted a child. I just gave that information as background data. It isn't in question.
A decision for me to say I will "plan" a child with someone is a decision to make a life long commitment. That's why that also is the reason I would not feel comfortable having a child with a person that doesn't love the child I already have.
The question is really am I being unreasonalbe in thinking to leave now, should I give it more time. Sometimes I am a little impatient and expect people to act as I would. And to be able to deal with things as I "feel" I would if I was in their position. But since I am not I am looking at peoples views here because it is possible that I, not being it the position he is in, might "think" it would be easier than it is.
The post from those who are step parents at this time were very helpful and the suggestion of counseling is too.
When I said the problem would be to get him to counseling. I meant that in the form that a lot of men don't really think things affect them or that they can handle hurtful issues on their own. Plus as a a black comedian once said jokingly but it was true, in our community for the most part people don't got to counseling they go to church and I don't mean a mediation with the reverend. I myself am even weary about such things.
But I do feel it would be helpful.
I don't think you are expecting too much, or that it should be so hard to develop a step-father bond with your son.
Should you leave him? I don't know. Should you? Do you love him? Is he willing to change? Are you willing to tell him how important it is to you that he has a relationship with your son? Is he willing to work through his issues (with counseling or with church or through self-introspection) together with you? How is the rest of the relationship? Or is the rest of the relationship clouded by this issue? Do you two enjoy each other? Do you work well together, as partners?
I don't believe compatabilities in values and beliefs is enough, although I DO believe it is a very good start. Do you desire each other, want to please each other, are you BOTH willing to work through ANYTHING?
Answer those questions - AND - I think you already have a gut feeling about what you should do. The few times I haven't listened to my gut, I made a huge, lifechanging mistake that I regret. I recommend listening to your gut.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
#1 Expecting others to act or feel as you would feel, may be the first issue you should tackle. You can't expect this of him. Even if you do share the same fundamental beliefs and values, he isn't going to be able to read your mind and do as you would do. If there is something you expect of him you must come out and say it. Have you told him that you're expecting him to form a bond with your child if you are to stay together? Have you given him a chance to respond to this?
#2 Counseling doesn't have to be about visiting a pyschotherapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. You can get counseling from your church and there are self-help methods too. Perhaps a good place to start would be a book on step-parenting and/or step coupling and initiating some conversations on how to make this work in everybody's best interest. Getting what you both want out on the table and discussing it.
Giving the relationship more time as it is, is only giving it more time to stay the same. If he hasn't formed a bond in the past two years, two more years isn't going to change that. What's going to change it is you both face your issues together, or you leave.
The question should be: do I leave now without trying to change things? Or do I try and then decide if I should leave based on the outcome?
"Before my husband and I married, we took premarital counseling specifically for people going into a second marriage, and we attended step-parenting classes."
That is so great - where did you find those classes? What did they tell you (if you could summarize)?
Based on what you say here:
"Like one time we were at the mall and my son had hurt his finger really bad. So my boyfriend asked him to see it and my son act liked he didn't want o show him or that he didn't really want to be bothered. I think that hurt my boyfriends ego a little."
AND here:
"He takes every childish thing my son does that effects him personally. Like once my son took his clippers and tried to cut his own head ...he cut a plug in his head, He got in trouble and put on punishment, but for the life of me I couldn't understand why my botfriend felt like that was some personal attack on him, that is was some obvious showing of disrepect, instead of it just being a boy curious about clippers and messing with them."
I would not live with him or consider marriage with him. I don't see that as getting better UNLESS:
A) He recognizes that HE has a problem with maturity and parenting attitude with children
B) He will seek counseling and work on this over time
This is not a problem that will get better in time. It is a MAJOR love buster that will drive you apart. As your son ages he is going to need more love and understanding, especially through puberty and teen years.
You ask if you should leave. I would let him decide.
See if he will agree to A & B above. If so you stay, if not you go. Be strong. Do it now for your son and you. Don't waste any more time.
Your son has to come first and he has to have a positive, mature, understanding male role model. I personally don't see this happening with this guy based on what you say and on his baggage.
Good luck and keep us posted. I hope I have helped you in some way. Your years with your son are precious. I have a son, too, who is 8 and I would never tolerate someone to mistreat him or belittle him in any way. He needs love, understanding and positive reinforcement.
The step-parenting classes. I was working in family law as a paralegal at the time and had a HUGE list of community resources on all things concerning divorce/co-parenting/step-parenting, etc. I called around and found a step-parents support group that TT and I attended, and through that (we only went once), we stumbled upon a book discussion which was based on the book Blending Families and led by a licensed family therapist. Which was SUPER cool. It made us think about ALOT of things we had never thought of before, especially with Alex being an infant and Jojo having SO MUCH to adjust to. A step-daddy, a baby brother, a new house, his daddy had remarried right before Alex was born, etc. How I could encourage a good relationship with TT's two kids (who were 18 and 16 at that time).
TOTALLY worth it.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
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