Should I move in?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Should I move in?
14
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 12:40pm

Hi ladies,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 12:59pm

All I can tell you is what *I* would do - "not without a ring"

You do have a better situation in your parent's basement - why would you give up that without security for you and your daughter? Rent free so you can save for a house is in YOUR best interest - better than a "test drive" with this guy.

I think if you both know you want to get married and he commits with a ring and a proposal and you live together with the intention "to fail is not an option" then you are good.

Just my .02. Everyone here will have a different opinion.

DISCLAIMER: This is not meant in any way to hurt the feelings of those who do choose to live together. It is my own opinion.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 1:06pm

Been there, done that. From my experience, living together is sorta like purgatory where you are in between, i.e. not-quite-married or fully committed. There is no legal commitment and even though lots of couples consider themselves committed/married without the paper it does make a difference.

After my experience of living together with my wife for 3 years before marrying her (for 19 years), that “trying out” did not really buy much knowledge or wisdom before we got married. I believe we enter into relationships with our filters and illusions and until we really spend time together then those get stripped away. As Byron Katie says, whenever you try to fight reality, reality always wins.

Another approach of knowing how you two are together as a long term couple is to go on a long trip together to a foreign country preferably that does not have English as their native language. I read from a couple of people that is the real test on how well couples get along under stressful, strange, unpredictable circumstances while being together … sorta like long term, real life isn’t it?

I also read that it is better for the couple to choose their own place together rather than move in to the other’s place for it will be always that person’s place.

I know I would never live with another without being married. Even though my non-custodial children are 14 and 18, I still want to live as an example to them. I would never live with my partner if I had a minor that I’m responsible for unless I was married.

Mark
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May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 1:22pm

Ya that's pretty much exactly how I feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 2:03pm
Be blunt that you do not believe in living together before marriage and do not want to set that as an example for your child. And that you do not feel comfortable with the trying it out thing when you have such a good setup. That perhaps you should take more time and decide if you do want to marry - there is no rush. You do appreciate his offer- it just doesn't leave you with a good feeling or mesh with your values.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 2:08pm

Hi, I agree with cl_west here.. except just one point about "That perhaps you should take more time and decide if you do want to marry - there is no rush".. I believe that this kind of conversation can hurt some one who is sensitive and loves you dearly. No one likes to feel like the other person is testing the relationship. Somehow the beauty of the relationship decreases with such talks.


I know I am not myself good at always talking "nice" but I realise how much it can hurt some one or if my guy told me something like that.. I am trying my best to be least hurtful to my partner and deal with my doubts myself.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 3:15pm

My two cents is that it is more damaging to a relationship when things are not said for that creates distance, i.e. lack of intimacy. That also implies that the other person "can't take it" and you need to take care of him/her instead. That to me does not value the other person.

I believe if the relationship is close and trusting than any communication will be taken as loving or with good intentions. If I don't feel that is the case then I am mature (sometimes LOL) enough to check out where the other person is coming from and to know that some of my reaction is my own stuff that is being triggered.

I crave open and honest communication even when it sometimes on things I find it painful to hear. I'd rather hear about it now then learn about it later.

Mark
------





May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 4:13pm
I just want to clarify that I meant "there is no rush" - meaning "I am not trying to rush you to marriage by saying I won't live together without it" - hope that makes it more clear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 5:44pm

Unfortunatly, I don't know what he would think about me saying that it was 'against my values', because

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 6:05pm

Hi,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 6:25pm

Ah- so that explains your worry about him being sensitive.

I don't think you should ever feel like you have to do something you don't like to save/preserve a relationship.

The thing is, it is not about him versus your exfiance. It is now about you and your kid and your responsibility to do the right thing with your future and your finances.

You could be okay for him to accommodate you in the house - but no money is going into it unless you are engaged and can have your name on it. You just can't take that financial risk because you have a kid to raise and educate. Things are different for you now.

I think you have to find a nice spin for your feelings. But ultimately, if he is a good guy he will understand your point and not want you to do something that benefits him and not you. And you spending money on a house that is not yours when you could be saving it for you and your kid and your kid's education and future is not good for you. It is always about negotiation.

The best relationships I have seen are always win/win. And the woman is always able to speak her feelings and set boundaries.

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