Should I say no when I mean yes?
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| Tue, 08-24-2004 - 4:20pm |
Now I have gone on 2 dates with this guy I could potentially be crazy about. The first date was amazing, there was a definate mutual attraction. He was very cool, dressed great, funny and cute with a very good social life. We ended up kissing for hours in the rain and with some major sparks. Granted we were both drinking and at a bar (we kissed outside, no mushy pda) but still there was something. He emailed me the next day and said it was oneof the most unique dates (in a good way) he had ever been on. This was last Thursday. We didn't go out again until Monday and I went to his townhouse to watch football with his roommate. Another great time, he has a cool roommate and we all had fun together. They are both bachelors and had the typical bachelor pad to boot. the roommate ended up going to bed and we "made-out" for at least 2 hours. He invited me upstairs, I accepted but it was very innocent. No clothes were removed and it was purely "make-out". Oh and yes, there was drinking involved but again, the mutual attraction and conversation is amazing.
I am reallly interested in this guy but am afraid of scaring him off with over forwardness. He emailed today, day after 2nd date, and said again it was amazing , he wants to know more about me and to name a time and place. This is where I feel I could be to accessable. I said tomorrow but I don't want to "rush" anything and I want to keep the excitement there. He isn't a guy who has problems finding dates and neither am I but still, I don't want to come off as desparate or anything. I do have a 9 month old baby, he has no children. The reason I said tomorrow is because i just happen to have a sitter. Please help me! I don't want to scare him off. Should I cancel and say I have something else going on????
thanks so much, Carrie


You should go!
Kim
Hi there! Welcome to the board!
Question: Why would you EVER say "no" when you mean "yes"???? Women should never do this. Gosh, we've got SUCH a bad rap for this very thing.
Sounds like what you're asking is whether it's a good idea to spend so much time so quickly and whether or not you should put on the brakes.
I don't believe in playing games either. Mean what you say. If YOU feel more comfortable slowing things down, then by all means let him know you have some other obligations, or you don't want to get a sitter again yet. Whatever. And then wait. But if you want to go, and you're comfortable with the pace, then go for it.
Me personally, I'd want to slow it down and I'd probably put the brakes on physical activity myself. But that's just me. You do what you want to do and have FUN!!!
I agree with Alison and Kim, don't play games. As long as you have a sitter, and I'm sure it's probably hard for you to get a sitter, you should go.
I'm not trying to be a killjoy and rain on your parade, but your post raised some flags for me. Twice you mentioned that there was alcohol involved. I have nothing against drinking. I'm Irish and I drink socially. For your safety though, be careful. If your date drinks too much, make sure you slow down so you can drive, or call a cab. Secondly, if you drink too much, you can become easy prey to be taken advantage of. I know this probably sounds dumb, but when you are out with him, or anyone, take notice of how much your date drinks. Is it two or three or is it 9 or 10? Makes a big difference. I dated an alcoholic three years ago(although I didn't know it in the beginning, but at the end of our relationship when he was drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade at 8:00 a.m., I kinda got the hint.) After that experience, I always try to be aware of how much my date drinks. It's no fun dating a drunk, and it's in my own self defense that I don't want to get involved with a heavy drinker again. Believe me, it's fun to go out and drink and have a good time, but you don't want to be with someone who NEEDS alcohol to have a good time.
Secondly, if you are crazy about this guy, and he seems crazy about you, you should probably tell him about your daughter. He doesn't have to meet her, but he should at least know about her. Because if he doesn't want to date a woman with a child, it will be easier on you now if he leaves than if you keep her a secret and get hurt six months from now. That's just my opinion.
Have fun, but be careful. I know, I sound like your mom, and I don't mean to . It's just that I'm 9 years older than you and have seen alot of BS out there.
Donna
I also see red flags. He should be taking you out and getting to know you - be very careful about the fast track to intimacy. Say yes to going out but no to going too far.
And yes, you should tell him about your child. You should also want to know more about him - to see if he is good for you, beyond chemistry.
Have fun - and tell us how it goes!!
Now for my two cents, which is a very LONG two cents:
I didn't read anywhere that you DIDN'T tell him about your daughter. It just stated that you have a nine month child and he doesn't have children. I don't think that is an issue. Their are men who say they will NEVER date a woman with a child and BANG, suddenly they meet a gorgeous sexy single mother. So, don't worry about that. Just see where it leads once you get to know him a bit more. Definitly take your time in introducing your daughter to him.
Ok, for the part of scaring him off. I'm a little different with the men I date, but that is because I date a lot and basically live in another country, where they all play games here. So this is the european advice for a man that seems to be cool, undercontrol and the total bachelor. You have a babysitter, therefore definitly go. I would however, in the future not always make yourself available. If he thinks you always have time for him, he is going to think that you have no social life. Even though you are meeting a man and wanting to spend every second with him, I feel it's unwise to make yourself so available and maybe become quickly boring for him. No one wants to end the honeymoon right away. Make sure you make time for your friends, child, social gatherings, etc.
Perfect example: The two men I am dating at the moment. Both VERY successful career men who have little time for a social life. Always on the go and always packed with appointments.
I will call them MALE "A" and MALE "B":
MALE "A" and I met at a cafe while I was having coffee with friends. I happened to have broken up with my stalker X-boyfriend at the time when I got a message on my cell phone. I read it to my friends because he told me I didn't deserve to meet anyone and I sure the heck didn't deserve him. LOL! Anyhow, the guy behind me overheard the conversation and started laughing and suddenly he was intrigued. We started a conversation and kind of eventually started dating. Things were great. We saw each other everyday then we downsized it to every other day, but eventually we went back to the everyday thing. Yet suddenly, we both felt we had nothing to say to each other. We got one each others nerves because we were already spending to much time together and consistenly making each other available. So, one day, we got in a heated discussion and I all but threw a drink into his face. Needless to say, I walked out and left him sitting in the Cafe totally shocked. I deleted his number straight away, so I wouldn't get the urge to call him and I went on my own. He sent me a message, I didn't respond and deleted it. A week went by and we bumped into each other everywhere, but I didn't speak to him. I just went along and did my thing as if he were invisible. Then one day I am sitting in my Cafe waiting for my girlfriend, he just arrives with his friend and sits at another table. I ignore him. Then the phone rings. He asks me if I am ever going to talk to him again, because he misses talking to me. Then he apoligizes for his rude behavior. I said that I wasn't used to be treated in such a manner and he should first think through if he was going to be a friend or be a prat. To which my friend arrived and we cut off the conversation. 5 days goes by, he calls again that he really wants to see me. I agreed. We had coffee at the Cafe and we started talking about everything under the sun and had a great time. He said he wanted to see me Tuesday. I said I had plans. I said I had time on Wednesday. He said he didn't. He asked me about Thursday and I said, Yes. Basically, we both have our own lives and we try to go about things a lot more casual instead of the sticking to glue thing. It works better for us. People might call it playing games. I call it having a life beyond the "MALE".
So now too Male "B":
Male "B" and I met at really super cool party one night while I was out with friends. Male "B", 34, had to much to drink. I had a bit to drink, but not excessive. He saw me from across the room. We locked eyes and suddenly, not taking his eyes off of me, starts walking through the room until he stood right in front of me. Took my hand and asked me to dance. That was it. We had a blast. We laughed, danced, were goofy and just basically got along fantastically. Now Male "B", for a reason unknown, made himself look like he was an average Joe with little money to spare on spoiling anyone. I didn't really pay attention, even though I make sure i never find any guy to support, I really thought he was fun and decided that if he asked I would see him again. He asked for my number, I gave it to him. He told me that he was going on vacation with his little boy the next day and wouldn't be able to see me until he got back. Fine and dandy. I told him to have a great trip and to call me when he got back. Next day, he calls before he gets on the plane. Tells me that he thought I was terrific and can't wait to see me. I again said, great, call me when you get back. We cut the call short. I don't contact him. Three days later, I am getting a message from him that he wishes I were their and he can't stop thinking about me and can't wait to see me again. I was totally stunned, because I didn't expect it. I wrote him back saying I look forward to seeing him too. Then he writes again two days later. I respond, saying that I wanted to know when he would be back and when he would have time to see me on the weekend when he returns, because I want to make myself available. WRONG MOVE. He writes back THE NEXT DAY and says, he won't be able to see me on that weekend, his mother is coming to visit and then he has lots of work and he leaves for another city on the following Friday for two weeks. If he MAYBE had time, then he wanted to know if I could MAYBE see him during the week. I wrote back, that's cool, no problem, I just don't cancel my plans for anyone and wanted to make sure if I should keep a slot open for him. That I don't know if I will have time during the week, but basically, if I'm free then I'm free. A response he didn't expect. And what I didn't expect from him, he didn't call again, nothing. I tried him last Saturday, he didn't go on his cell and I left a message saying that I hoped he got back from his vacation safely and I just wanted to say Hi. Still, NO RESPONSE. ok. I left it alone a few more days. Then I sent him a mail on his cell stating, he obviously misunderstood something, but he couldn't expect us to communicate via sms through a cell and not get something out of context. That I thought his sudden change in hot and cold didn't go down with me well, but that was his problem, not mine. Two hours later he calls. Do I have time for Coffee. I said, sorry, under such short notice, I don't. He says: I have no other time I am totally booked, might fly out on Thursday instead of Friday and I would like to see you.
I stood firm: "No, I'm sorry, this isn't a good time. You have to let me know in advance, because as you know, I don't cancel my pre-made plans." He asks " I could drive to your town and meet you before you go out."
Again I said "NO, the timing isn't right. It might make me late, I don't like to be late."
THEN HE SAYS!: "When would you have time."
I said: "Tomorrow, and maybe Thursday, but preferably tomorrow."
He says: "Ok, would you have more time tomorrow, or more time Thursday?"
I said: "More time tomorrow."
He says: "Endless time, because I want to spend some hours with you."
I said, "No, but I have time for dinner."
He says: "Ok, I'll call you in the afternoon tomorrow and we can make the plans."
I said: "Fine, talk later."
Now, that to me is a game. FROM HIS SIDE, not mine. Him wanting to see how far I would jump. Not having ANY TIME and suddenly POOF he has LOADS of time. Now Mr. Cool, is looking a little like Mr. Creep, but this whole attitude is TOTALLY normal over here. It's nothing but games. And Male "B", isn't who he said he was. The night at the party that I met him, later when I got home, I was called from a friend of a friend, who asked me how I managed to dangle one of the most richest eligible bachelors in the country. So Male "B", isn't that Poor. He has houses all over the world, has a collection of assorted cars, a booming career and comes from a wealthy family. Very used to getting his way.
So making a VERY LONG storie short, don't make yourself always so available. Even if your crazy about him. Find time for your friends, for your hobbies, etc. If you continue to see each other than you will feel more fulfilled than if you break up with the guy and suddenly coming running to your friends that you ignored because of him. Not fun. Make sure you are always standing. If he asks you out on a night, say NO once inawhile, even if your just painting your toe nails. If he asks you what day your available. Say I can on this day or that day. Not everyday of the week. Make plans for the rest of the week doing other stuff. Most likely he'll want to see you anyways on the two days your available.
Again, my opinion is, sometimes you should say NO, when you want to say Yes.
I just KNOW I am going to get a few arguements on this one, but I am in a different country, so please remember, different cultures, do different things. I tried the normal, be nice person for the last 9yrs and it just doesn't work unless you want to be used and accepted as a doormat.
Hi there!
Welcome to the board.
I think he is pursuing you.