should I say something or let it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
should I say something or let it go?
6
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 2:12pm
Howdy all. I need some advice. My BF and I have both been divorced for 3 yrs. We have been exclusively dating for 6 months and it has been wonderful. From the moment we met it seemed so right and natural in a way I have never experienced with anyone before. We are very happy together, spend as much time with each other as possible --he lives 90 minutes away, in another state:( --and have started talking about someday living together, in the future (neither of us wants to rush things but we know that's where we are headed, eventually.) I have 3 great boys and he has a 12yr old daughter. Here's the thing: we met online in Dec, started dating in Jan, and he met my kids in April and has since seen them numerous times. They love him and he thinks they are great. However it's now July and I have not once met his daughter. He has her 50% of the time so it's not like he's only an occasional dad. We had plans in May to meet and he postponed it because she wasn't ready. At that time I told him I trusted him to know when the right time was for her and I to meet. Since then we have had plans a couple other times and each time he has asked her if she'd like to get together with me and her answer has been "no." I absolutely do not want to pressure him or be a jerk about this. But I am starting to feel really awkward about the fact that we're in love, he has vacationed with my family, we talk about the kind of house we want to live in someday, etc etc yet I have never even met his child. At the beginning of the summer I was excited about all the things I envisioned us doing together with our kids and it's just not happening. He hates conflict and tend to be very passive when dealing with his ex and my suspicion is that he is waiting for his daughter's permission and I just don't think that's going to happen. She's 12, she's a Daddy's girl, and may never get to the point where she is excited about meeting me! It seems like it's getting to be a bigger deal than it needs to be--she's understandably reluctant to meet me and that's totally normal but I think he just needs to make it happen. Anyways--I decided to drop it for awhile. I would like very much for him to meet us down at the shore for the day on Sept 1. That almost 2 months away. If by then he is still dragging his feet, should I tell him how much this is starting to bother me? Or should I continue to roll with it? I love him dearly, my kids love him, and it feels like all of us are missing out here. Advice, please!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 2:28pm

At this point, it's only been 6 months- what would you have to gain by pushing her?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 2:49pm

Have to agree with Alison. I've been with my BF for 2 yrs and his D13 is not at all accepting of the fact I exist. His D15 is fine with the concept, but M and I have decided to just keep the kids out of it. He, like you had visions of having these big vacations with all the kids together. He's given up that idea for now, and has accepted that it will likely not change for quite a while.
Your BF chooses to have you in his life, he can't force that choice on his daughter. You don't want that introduction to be a big negative experience for the kid. You choose to include him with your kids, and they are accepting of it, great. It just does not work that way for everyone.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 4:17pm
Thanks for the replies...I have told myself many times to be the bigger person, it's not about me and my feelings etc, but it's not easy! I want to elaborate on the situation a little...it's not the typical surly teen resents her father's GF scenario. I would understand that much better, actually. But my BF and I have talked about it some and he says it's not that she is jealous or feels threatened, but rather that she is afraid that she will get attached to me and then we will break up. This is what she has told him. He says she feels that is what happened with his previous GF (he had one significant relationship after his divorce besides me.) But I find this confusing b/c he told me when we first met that his other GF was really pushy about meeting his daughter and then was not very warm or accepting of her once they did meet, and that they actually only met twice in 15 months of dating! So I am not sure how attached his daughter could have gotten to the woman or why she is so worried about meeting me. If she is truly afraid that we will meet and then her dad and I will break up, I don't see how that fear will be overcome unless she actually meets and gets to know me and sees for herself how things are between her dad and me. I just hear so much about her, I'd love to get to know her and I think her nervousness would be greatly alleviated if we could just get that inital meeting over with. Obviously my BF and I need to have some more dialogue about this...I'm not going to see him for the next 2-3 weeks b/c he and his daughter are going on a road trip together and I wanted to wait til after their vacation to broach the subject again. This is such uncharted territory for me...I have never dated anyone with an older daughter and my boys are happy and excited about meeting anyone and everyone so I feel kind of like a fish out of water here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 4:32pm
PS--I forgot to say that part of my anxiety over this is that he has asked me and my 2 younger boys to go to camping with them at this festival in October. He had the idea months ago that we were going to all go camping at a different festival, in July. I have to put in my vacation requests far ahead of time at work so I took that week off. Then he decided it wasn't going to work out after all and I am stuck with that week off now. When he put forth the camping in October idea he said he definitely intended to make it happen. But clearly I have to meet his daughter first, it would be too much for us all to meet for the first time and be camping overnight--we have to work up to that! So it seems like he should be making an effort to get the ball rolling on this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 5:17pm

while your fears and anxiety is understandable, any more or any discussion about his daughter or meeting her would only make the situation tense and worse for you. Like other posters said drop this topic untill you have reached a level of comfort with him and vise versa where he will make it happen by himself. You dont know if he is telling you everything for real.. I mean why she doesnt want to meet you. Let him work out this with her.


All you can do is to continue enjoying him and may be have one discussion saying you would love to meet his DD when he thinks that your relationship is ready for the next level. Meawhile it would be good if you dont let him meet your kids too often and you can tell him that you feel that they may get attached and what if? So when he thinks that your relationship needs to be taken to the next level and if you agree then you can have a small family gathering and go from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 5:55pm
I agree with this and others. Let this issue go and focus on the relationship and whether or not he is good for you. And time will tell - with the pressure off and lots of good times he is bound to let you get to know her. I would much rather see him conservative on this point than all cavalier and careless.