should I say something or let it go?
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should I say something or let it go?
| Sun, 07-06-2008 - 2:12pm |
Howdy all. I need some advice. My BF and I have both been divorced for 3 yrs. We have been exclusively dating for 6 months and it has been wonderful. From the moment we met it seemed so right and natural in a way I have never experienced with anyone before. We are very happy together, spend as much time with each other as possible --he lives 90 minutes away, in another state:( --and have started talking about someday living together, in the future (neither of us wants to rush things but we know that's where we are headed, eventually.) I have 3 great boys and he has a 12yr old daughter. Here's the thing: we met online in Dec, started dating in Jan, and he met my kids in April and has since seen them numerous times. They love him and he thinks they are great. However it's now July and I have not once met his daughter. He has her 50% of the time so it's not like he's only an occasional dad. We had plans in May to meet and he postponed it because she wasn't ready. At that time I told him I trusted him to know when the right time was for her and I to meet. Since then we have had plans a couple other times and each time he has asked her if she'd like to get together with me and her answer has been "no." I absolutely do not want to pressure him or be a jerk about this. But I am starting to feel really awkward about the fact that we're in love, he has vacationed with my family, we talk about the kind of house we want to live in someday, etc etc yet I have never even met his child. At the beginning of the summer I was excited about all the things I envisioned us doing together with our kids and it's just not happening. He hates conflict and tend to be very passive when dealing with his ex and my suspicion is that he is waiting for his daughter's permission and I just don't think that's going to happen. She's 12, she's a Daddy's girl, and may never get to the point where she is excited about meeting me! It seems like it's getting to be a bigger deal than it needs to be--she's understandably reluctant to meet me and that's totally normal but I think he just needs to make it happen. Anyways--I decided to drop it for awhile. I would like very much for him to meet us down at the shore for the day on Sept 1. That almost 2 months away. If by then he is still dragging his feet, should I tell him how much this is starting to bother me? Or should I continue to roll with it? I love him dearly, my kids love him, and it feels like all of us are missing out here. Advice, please!!

At this point, it's only been 6 months- what would you have to gain by pushing her?
Have to agree with Alison. I've been with my BF for 2 yrs and his D13 is not at all accepting of the fact I exist. His D15 is fine with the concept, but M and I have decided to just keep the kids out of it. He, like you had visions of having these big vacations with all the kids together. He's given up that idea for now, and has accepted that it will likely not change for quite a while.
Your BF chooses to have you in his life, he can't force that choice on his daughter. You don't want that introduction to be a big negative experience for the kid. You choose to include him with your kids, and they are accepting of it, great. It just does not work that way for everyone.
QB
while your fears and anxiety is understandable, any more or any discussion about his daughter or meeting her would only make the situation tense and worse for you. Like other posters said drop this topic untill you have reached a level of comfort with him and vise versa where he will make it happen by himself. You dont know if he is telling you everything for real.. I mean why she doesnt want to meet you. Let him work out this with her.
All you can do is to continue enjoying him and may be have one discussion saying you would love to meet his DD when he thinks that your relationship is ready for the next level. Meawhile it would be good if you dont let him meet your kids too often and you can tell him that you feel that they may get attached and what if? So when he thinks that your relationship needs to be taken to the next level and if you agree then you can have a small family gathering and go from there.