Should seperated parents hangout togethe

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2006
Should seperated parents hangout togethe
14
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 3:09am

SO, my current g-f is mad at me since, I was invited to go snowboarding with my ex and my son (my ex is my sons mother). It has been one year since we have hung-out. I thaught it would be good for my son to see his parents together. We had a good time. I have no want to get back with my sons mother.

Since, I'm in a relationship should I have stay home instead of going with my ex and my son?

Is there something I just don't understand here?

My g-f has a son also and she doesn't get along with her ex-husband. Interesting enough, she has hang-out more then I have with my ex this last year. Also, my g-f ex-husband wants her back and has tried to get with her many of times according to her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 11:02am

I think that right now you are in sort of a limbo land with just being seperated and not divorced. As time goes on you will establish a set of customs for holidays, visitation, school events, etc. And then it will become easier on everyone.

Everyone has their own set of rituals that they do as far as being divorced. Most divorced parents do not spend time together - but some do - and there is no right or wrong.

Perhaps part of the problem is that your gf wants to be more serious than you? You should explain your feelings honestly to her - if you want to spend time with your child at Xmas and this includes the exw whom you don't want to be back together with - then you should explain that to her.

Good luck and happy holidays- for whatever you should choose to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 12:41pm

Hi there. I think that each family has to find a pattern that works for them. Some do hang out together, and it is great for children if their parents can be civil, even nice, to each other- so long as it doesn't confuse them.
Part of the problem may be that since your girlfriend doesn't have an amicable relationship with her ex, it's hard for her to understand that other people can have one- without wanting more than to simply be good coparents.
I have a very good friend whose ex husband is very involved in every aspect of his son's life- and often will hang out at their house, simply to spend more time with his son. They also work together, and her current husband probably had a few moments where he wondered or worried about their extremely friendly relationship, but he's now become friends with the ex husband, as well. It simply works for them.
In the end, the children are what it important.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 1:16pm

It's interesting that you mention her relationship with her ex. He is an ass to her and only wants her for sex not to be around her son.

ALthough, I wonder if this is a matter of reflection in her eyes that if she my g-f were this friendly wiht her ex-husband that they would be together. So, she is thinking that my ex my sons mother just wants to get back with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 6:34pm

I think it's only natural for your gf to assume that your ex just wants to get back together with you- you two have history and a child together.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 10:52am

I just spent the holidays with both of my ex husbands. I spend every holiday with at least one. I've been divorced with ex#1 for over twenty years and ex#2 for 10 years.
My children begged me to never make them chose one parent over the other for holidays, and because we always put our children first and our differences aside, my children can without any reservation invite us to any event stress-free.

Two of my children are now adults with children of their own, but we still have to play nice for the sake of the grandchildren, so it never ends. I just consider my ex's like the annoying relatives you have to put up with on special ocassions, it's only once or twice a year, so it's really not a big deal.

I had ex boyfriends in the past get jealous and voice their objections, but I always made it clear to them that my kids and now my grandkids come first! If you're going to be with me, get over your insecurities, because like it or not the ex's are here to stay, much to my chagrin!

Don't ever let a current relation make decisions for you where your child is concerned, as these relations can come and go, but your child is forever!

I've seen too many single,dating parents make that mistake and ultimately the kids pay
the price. Your gf insecurities and issues with her ex are her own, and she ultimately has to work them out for herself. By all means go spend this time with your child, it will be extremely valuble to his well being in the long run, if he see that his parents
can put their differences aside for his sake. My adult children thank me all the time for
doing this for them.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 10:57am

Wow, Taina! I admire you for that and it really is good advice. How long did it take you for that to come about? What are your holidays like - where do you go - is that at your house?

Right now DS is still young - 10 - and when he is with me for Xmas he spends the time with me and my family and then goes to see his dad later on. But when he is with his dad, they go far away to his dad's family's house. That is hard on me and DS.

I am wondering if this is something that comes to be when our children are older and we can both go to his house? I would be okay with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:18am

We did this from day one, because the kids were most afraid of this issue
first.

When the kids were younger it was mostly at my house. Now it's a toss up between
either my son's or my daughter's house, although I hosted Thanksgiving this year.
This year we did Christmas Eve at my son's home and just did our own thing for
Christmas at each of our own places. My kids have to coordinate in-law's too.

My ex's have never gotten serious with anybody either in all these years and I think that
has helped too. Last year, ex#1 had a gf, and I invited her to join us and she declined.
She told my ex that she couldn't handle that, he told her she was being riduculous as we have been split for 20+ years, he came without her, they broke up soon after. Both my ex's are just as commited to our family as I am, they were terrible husbands , but they have been great fathers. It's not always perfect as with ex#2, we still have friction sometimes because we still have a 12yo together, but with #1, kids are grown our issues are done.

For my sons wedding, he told me that people thought that me and ex#1 were still married because of the way we interacted with each other. It really made my son's day more special.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:22am
thanks for the response! well, i don't have to deal with her anymore she broke up with me over this issue in fact she didn't' want me to hang out with her unless i was just picking up my child.. so zero contact with my sons mother. sadly, she has a child too same age and she is divorced and hang-out with her ex-husband many of time. Not only that he has spent the night at her house many of times so that way he could be with her son longer. Now, its wrong for me. What up with that? Ohh yeah she broke up with me on x-mas how nice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:33am

For the short term that truly stinks that she would break up with you on Xmas. But for the long term, you know you are better off. Hopefully today you are a little better.

She doesn't sound stable to me. It will all get better when you are divorced and have things smoother with the ex and visitation.

Best wishes to you - you can stick around here - hopefully our posts about dating with children will help and we always welcome a man's perspective and participation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:53am

Yeah well saddly i was there for her all the way with this divorce.

yeah i enjoy helping people this is one way i do it.

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