Should she leave it alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Should she leave it alone?
8
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 11:53am
My friend, R, the one I mentioned before that is pretty sexual with lots of men had met a guy a couple of months ago that she bonded with. FINALLY! Well maybe not.

She met him in a bar (but then again, I met Shane at one too) and she made the first move. They ended up at his hotel room that night. But instead of him never calling again, they bonded. They kept seeing each other while he was here on a job. Not every night was sex, they went out, they talked, they went shopping and she really seemed to be smitten with him. He even asked her to come to Missouri with him to live, but she said not right now because they still don't know each other well enough to make that kind of committment and since he's always on the road, what's the difference if she's here or there? He's planning a trip back here for another job in February and she was supposed to see him over Christmas at his home. Plus they were talking each night after he left.

She said they were making a go of a relationship and she really liked him a lot. And I have to say, I was relieved that there was no arrangement where they could see, or have sex with others. He put his foot down and said, I can't do this if you are going to continue the booty call with that guy. She agreed to nip that and focus on making it work with this B. I was proud of her. I encouraged her to just see what happened and was real with her on the fact that this is long distance, but if they wanted it to work, it could. Just had to want it bad enough.

Well, she called me two weeks after he left very upset. He hadn't called her in almost a week, no emails, nothing. She wondered if something had happened. She sent him a couple of emails asking him to please call or write her back if he was alright and he didn't. So she gave me his number and had me call his office on my cell phone to ask about him. Turns out, he's just fine. The guy who answered had just spoken to him. So he's just ignoring her after making promises.

But she continues to worry about what she must have done wrong to make him chang ehis mind. I told her, Shane told her, everyone has told her to just let him go and not to worry about him anymore. I think that's good advice. He obviously was lying about everything and she bought it. But why wouldn't she believe? He was so sweet and gentle and kind to her. Honestly, I feel bad for her.

So did I give her good advice? Just leave him alone. Don't try to call, don't write, don't think about him. He has no excuse to not call her to tell her he changed his mind. He's a pig. Get over him.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:23pm
It sounds like she needs to go on a relationship AND bootycall fast - meaning stop that mess and wait for a guy to be the right guy before you just hop in the sack with him.

I say she has to tough it out and let him go. He is just not that into her or he would be calling, etc. Since it is long distance that makes it tough and maybe he met someone else. Or the booty call thing with the other guy disturbed him. There are a lot of "what ifs" but there are no calls. That is the bottom line.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:50pm
I would tell her to not call that guy or email him. She needs to stick to her guns. If she feels like getting in touch with him, she needs to call you or some other friend instead. Tell her to not try and imagine why he isn't calling. The fact is...he has disappeared and she can't dwell on it.

I'm not a prude, but I think your friend needs to back off on the sexual relationships. Tell her to try to go sexless for a while. When she starts dating a new guy, she should hold off on the sex. I'm going to try this too. Sometimes you have sex early in a relationship and things turn out just fine, but it's a gamble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 1:10pm
I agree with you totally.

I am having fun right now watching my babysitter (20) date this really nice guy. He is totally into her. She made him wait three dates just for a first kiss!! And she told him she does not believe in premarital sex.

They have been dating for three months now and are having so much fun. She doesn't see him every day and stays busy with her family and friends. It is progressing all on its own.

Additionally, when he tries to get too agressive with his hands she smiles and laughs and says "watch those hands"

I am learning a lot from her - my next one will be this way. It is so much better to sort things out when you have not had sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 3:25pm
I couldn't agree more. I think she needs to stop giving it up too. I love sex as much as anyone. It feels great and it's fun to have, but come on! She was talking to us Saturday night about sleeping with her boss who was coming by to pick her up at 10 that night. Shane just looked at her and asked her when she was going to stop giving it up so fast and make a guy work for it. A man actually not encouraging her to lay down and sleep with someone just because!!! He said she might think that guys want to sleep with whatever, but they only respect a woman that makes him work for it.

I can understand that being single is hard. I've been there. But she has BOB as a very good friend (the Battery Operated Boyfriend) and he's very good to her. LOL! I think she needs to stick with him for a while since he's at least loyal.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 7:05pm
I think it is in how she looks at the sex situation.

She has to see that she is not GIVING UP sex, she is GETTING a relationship started. Abstinence is someting positive to get something good over the long term - not something to suffer through. The power of waiting lies with the woman because a man, most often, will go as far as you let him.

I think that your friend craves the passion and attention that sex brings. Men respond very strongly to physical/sexual pleasures and she enjoys that and the power. The problem is that experience tends to be short term and it doesn't guarantee love or a relationship; and the resulting hurt is very great.

If I did not watch the relationship develop between my babysitter and her boyfriend I would not look at abstinence the way I do now. I am not saying that I would abstain until marriage, but I would abstain until "he" has one foot on the banana peel and one foot on "I love you."

Bob is good for all of us until we find someone who views us as Mrs. Right. You have to wait to find someone who can recognize your best points and be "that into you" and you both have to bring out the best in each other. This takes time.

Edited 11/2/2004 8:35 am ET ET by west1745


Edited 11/2/2004 8:35 am ET ET by west1745

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 9:39am
I remember when I decided to sleep with Shane. I had known him since February, but it was August before anything happened. I also dated other men in that time until I realized it was Shane that I wanted. We went out for a while and even though he had taken me on quite a few dates, I refused to even kiss him until I was ready. His way of treating me made me feel ladylike. Like someone to be treated with care and like I deserved to have a choice to wait. He never pushed.

And If I gave into my desires, I could be setting myself up to fall in love, which is not what I planned on doing. I'd go out with him and we'd even sleep in the same bad cuddling all night without doing anything. He'd hold me close and kiss my cheek, brush my hair away from my neck and I could feel him breathing. I wanted to badly to turn over and let him have me, but I couldn't do it. I wasn't trying to tease him, but some people would say that is what I did. But again, he kept coming back for me. I could feel just by looking at him that I was beginning to fall for him...especially after I kissed him in the parking lot of his apartments. One night, I just gave in. Soon after that, we were truly admitting we were in love. And I heard from friends of his later on that he had gushed over me for months. My friend, R, knew him for along time and she said he couldn't stop talking about me and about Dylan and he told her I was the one.

So I can understand the power of abstaining. It's not such a bad thing.

R says she doesn't want a relationship. But I think she's fooling herself. If she says it, it must be true. But in reality, she's hurting. She's lonely. She's saying she doesn't want anything til her son turns 18 and moves. She says she doesn't want just any step father for him. I know it's hard to decide on a good man, but when he comes around, can you ignore him just because your son is 12? No! You have to move on it. Shane asked her why she'd deprive her son of a good solid male role model if he showed up one day. I think that's a fair question, but instead she continues to soil her reputation here in town with men that only want sex. No one will want her if she continues this train wreck of a choice.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 10:06am
It sounds like your friend is still holding on to the past. She suffers much pain and hurt from a past relationship and is afraid that will happen again. She sounds like she wants to be in control and doesn't want her life to change. She will have to contend with these

things.

I love your Shane story by the way!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 10:54am
AWWW thanks. I know no other guy would have held on so long.

With R, she did have a 6 year relationship with a friend of Shane's. They were off and on some of that time, but together a total of 6 solid years. They broke it off about two years ago and he ended up marrying a woman in August that had chased him for 25 years. She would keep calling him to ask if he's broken up with the young thing. R remembers those calls from her. She was pretty hurt that he married this woman. She had dreams that they got back together. She saw the woman at our wedding and wondered what she did for this man that she never did good enough. She says he's settling. Maybe he is. Maybe he's not. Not for me to say. I never saw R's relationship with him. Shane did. He said it was dysfuntional at best. But she insists she doesn't want him back. Once it was over, it was done.

After this guy from Missouri stopped contacting her, she went into a revenge mode. She called one of her bosses that she knew wanted to sleep with her and made that happen. I think she's really proud of herself. She thinks by sleeping with this guy, she's hurting the other one. He has no idea she did what she did and even if he knew it, what difference would it make? He's not that into her anyway.

I really love R to death and wish she'd make better choices. She thinks by settling down, she's putting her son in jeopardy because he's getting step dad that may not be the best for him. But how can she guarantee that? This is why you date someone and get to know them before jumping into marriage or the bed. I think she's doing more damage to her son now by what she's doing. One day, he'll be in high school and there will be talk about his mom being easy. I know it. My ex husband's mom was that way and everyone knew it. It's not hard to hide that in a small town. And who will suffer most? Her? No. Her son will. And he'll resent her for her choices.

Mel

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