Should you pay for guys sometimes?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Should you pay for guys sometimes?
9
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 12:44pm
hey girls - got a question - i have been dating a guy now for 6 months. he has no children. i have 1 11 yr. old son. we went to the movies yesterday. i had my son and his friend. i asked my boyfriend to go with us. we get up in line to pay and i step up and pay for myself and the 2 boys. then my boyfriend gets his turn in line and i say i paid for us. he goes oh thanks. and was mad at me!!! and then of course refused to buy any refreshments saying they are way overpriced. he has explained to me he is very cheap before and everyone knows movie refreshments are way overpriced but come on! isn't he overreacting a bit? i should have paid for 4 people while he paid for none? i said this to him. i said i didn't expect you to pay for my son and his friend, but i should pay for yours too? we don't go out much and this guy doesn't spoil me by any means. i had just cooked him dinner the night before and paid for the groceries. he said he would pay me for 1/2 but never offered. he does pay most of the time when it is just the two of us, but we don't go out often at all. he does however think i should pay 1/2 the time. is this the modern times??? am i way too old fashioned?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 12:58pm
He's a total cheap skate. I split the costs with my SO, but not in a calculated way. If I ask him out to dinner, I pay and vice versa. We don't keep tabs. Sounds like your guy remembers all the times he pays and not when you do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 1:30pm

It sounds like your money values system is way off the mark. I agree with fivesense that it can be a back and forth thing where you are treating each other. His behavior is very selfish especially if you cooked a nice dinner for him and had to pay for the groceries. And especially since he doesn't have children.

In my opinion he should have bought some popcorn and drinks for all of you since you paid.

But you are the one who has to decide - is he good in all other ways?

Maybe next time you go to the movies without him so you are not stressed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 3:20pm
That is horrible! You are a single parent, for Goodness Sakes! I mean I can understand you paying sometimes when you two go out, but not when you're paying for 2 other people as well as yourself. He sounds selfish & childish. I'd watch out for this one. Money matters are usually a big sticking point in a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 7:47pm

Personally if I had invited someone out I would probably have paid. But that doesn't mean you are too old fashioned. You have the right to be exactly however you want to be! And it's not who paid that really matters to me, it's more the fact it sounds like he threw a temper tantrum after it! There are plenty of men that would have offered to pay for all of you, and if that is the kind of guy you want then you don't have to settle for this guy. There are also plenty of guys who might not have liked paying since they felt you had invited them out, but they still would have done it without saying a word, complaining or giving you a guilt trip.

You all probably get sick of me talking about my therapist, but I think this fits here. One day we were talking about deciding if someone is the right person for you, and it went like this. You get to know them, all the ins and outs, their values, goals, morals, beliefs, whether they practice what they preach, their likes and dislikes and so on. Then after you know all that, you match everything you know against your ideal mate. You look at what matches and what doesn't match and you evaluate. They never match 100% because nobody will. But let's say they match up 90% with your ideal. Look at the 10% that doesn't match. Is the 10% that they don't take responsibility for their career or paying their bills, or that they throw a temper tanrum if they don't get their way? Or is the 10% that they leave their dirty socks on the floor and the toilet seat up? Are they perfect with you in private, but are rude to your friends? Do they *seem* perfect but your feelings just aren't all the way there when it comes to being intimate? Is the 10% that's missing worth it? Is what's missing big or little?

There are going to be some things about any guy that aren't exactly what you'd want, but is it enough? Are the problems deal breakers for you? Honestly, I wasn't there but it sounds like his behavior (his immaturity in handling the situation, not his lack of funds are desire to be frugal) would be a deal breaker for me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 9:13pm
We love hearing about your therapist. That is the best definition and example for deciding if someone is right for you - I am so glad you shared!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 9:47pm
I'm glad you are glad I shared, I love sharing. Unfortunately the discussion was in the context of us both agreeing my x-bf was perfect for me (he matched up 90% with my ideal, and the 10% at the time wasn't big stuff). LOL. It didn't really work out the way we thought, the 10% mushroomed and became a big deal. Oh well, live and learn and grow and move on, right? :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:05pm

That is true. I think we have to realize that not everyone will turn out to be a spouse/soul mate. Some are only in passing and to teach us something and for us to teach them.

Only time tells us. I know this was hard for you. I have had to let go of a few I really wanted, too. It does get better in time.

But your counselor's 90/10 rule is a good one. What does he say now?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:12pm

I think the conclusion my therapist and I reached is that J and I had a healthy relationship that at some point became unhealthy and I let go when it was right to let go. My heart wants to keep being there for him but I know I can't. My therapist told me several times in the last session that this is going to take a long long time for J to get through, just letting me know I guess that I can't keep waiting for him to wake up tomorrow and realize his mistake, that moving on is the right thing. Sigh.

Single not dating feels like the right place for me to be right now.

Sorry for hijacking the thread!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 11:01pm
thanks alot girls. yes i know what you're saying. i was upset the whole movie not because he didn't pay i don't think, but because of his immature attitude about the whole thing. he told me later his feelings were hurt and he was upset he upset me. and he talked to me about it. that meant alot. my ex bf wouldn't discuss anything with me - including his feelings. he ignored me. so it does mean alot that he does this with me. it sounds stupid maybe but communication is something that is soo important to me now. you are right - no man will ever be everything we need. but we have to decide what is important to us and what we can deal with. i guess we should have communicated about who was paying BEFORE the movie. haha i thought i was doing him a favor by paying for all 3 of us - and only leaving him to fend for himself. i guess i was just brought up that men pay all the time. but times have changed alot. anyway thanks for your input. i appreciate it.