showing interest in your children
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| Fri, 03-30-2007 - 11:37am |
hi all, i am new here. my name is stephanie and i am a 36 year old single mom of a wonderful 18 month old baby and i am here b/c i have just begun dating again and wanted your opinion on something. a bit of history about me...i had my baby on my own...father has shown no interest and we have not been together since yasmina was conceived. i signed up on match back in the fall and did not have much luck - just could not take it seriously. until one day i got an email from someone i have known for years. he is actually the ex boyfriend of an ex girlfriend of mine ( she is ex b/c she just stopped calling after yasmina was born..which i never understood but that is another story). anyways, anthony and i have been emailing and talking on the phone daily and have seen each other twice in the last month and will see each other again tonight. i am definetly interested but am also having a hell of a time just taking it all slowly and enjoying it. i have never been good at taking relationships slowly. i think i hate the vulnerable feeling that you get at the beginning so much that i am in a hurry to get to the part where you are established as boyfriend and girlfriend. so i am struggling with that.
but my question is - what order do you all do things in...do you let the man get to know you first before you bring him into the child's life or do you prefer that he gets to know the children right away. in my case yasmina is only 18 months old so i do not have to worry too much yet that she will have men coming in and out of her life. but i guess i am also wondering what might be the tell tale signs of whether this single guy with no ties in his life (no ex-wife, no kids, etc) is interested in taking on a child of someone else. so far anthony has come over one night when yasmina was already asleep and the other time we went skiing and he stayed over and yasmina spent the day/night with her sitter. tonight we will be going out as well.
i guess part of me wishes that he would suggest that we have a night at home and he can play with yasmina and get to know her. but part of me also wants us to share this time together to see how he and i get along....am i thinking this all through too much?
sorry for the rambling...i am so tired today!!!

To be honest, I would definitely get to know him a bit better before bringing him into your daughter's life. I know she's young, and I know it won't have THAT much of an effect on her, but if this doesn't work out, there may be another relationship, and another, and if you bring everyone into your kids' lives before you have gotten serious, they may get confused.
On the other hand, your situation is a bit interesting. If this does go long-term or get really serious, you have a very YOUNG child to deal with (as opposed to, let's say, ME - 18 and 15 yo sons - or most men - non-custodial parents). Therefore, it IS important to find out early on how this man reacts to children in general and YOUR child in particular - because it will only hurt you to fall in love with him and find out he doesn't LIKE kids.
My advice? Have another couple dates with him - then invite him to your house for dinner and a movie. Try to schedule it for an hour or so before your daughter's bedtime and have her bathed, in her pajamas, and ready to go (so he doesn't have to sit there through all the "time for bed" preparation). Let him play with her for that hour or so - or the three of you play together - or just have him in the room while you read bedtime stories. That will be a short, non-stressful introduction that gives you an idea of how he will deal with her, and also gives you an idea of how she will deal with him.
Good luck and keep us posted!!!
You can NEVER be too careful. *I* believe, for MY family, the guys dont get close to the children, or even introduced, until I am SURE of their safety of course, AND that they will be around for a while.
Yes, your dd is young & likely wouldnt be affected by men in & out at this age, but i would set the precedent now, if I were you, that there is a certain amount of time you go by b4 they get involved in your kiddos life.
& welcome~
I completely agree with setting the precedent early on. That way there is no confusion for yourself or your daughter. We never can tell how early we remember things. My first memory is of my sister being brought home from the hospital...and I wasn't even 2 yet.
My kiddos still bring up a friend of mine from over two years ago that developed into something more. yes they were a lot older (4 and 6) but they still bring up times that we spent together.
However, I completely understand wanting to establish something sooner than later. It's natural to know where you stand. Take it as slow as you possibly can...and no one can tell that but you. Plan some time with your "friend" as that. Park dates, maybe a movie, etc. I mean, I have my kiddos around male friends (only male friends, most that are already married) so I don't think that should make that much of an impact.
When it feels right, feels right for you and anthony and most important your daughter, then include him more and more in the daily grind of it all.
I hope this can shed some insight. I hope all goes well. Keep us updated!