sigh- new beginning...
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sigh- new beginning...
| Sun, 10-17-2004 - 11:30pm |
hi all i'm delurking...
i posted a while ago, once, about the guy in my life. your advice, which I refused to really hear, from everyone, was 'his heart is not in it, let him go'. it took a while, but last night we decided to part ways. neither one of us was content.
i posted a while ago, once, about the guy in my life. your advice, which I refused to really hear, from everyone, was 'his heart is not in it, let him go'. it took a while, but last night we decided to part ways. neither one of us was content.
now i'm here: single with two kids, a full time job, a house...
and lonely as can be.
and grieving AGAIN for the relationship that could-have-been, that for a while I pretended to have, but never really was
I need advice on routines, activities, etc. to help me grieve AND move on

About a week ago, I broke up with my commitment phobic boyfriend. His heart wasn't in our relationship. Really, I think he is too selfish to think of anyone but himself. I'm suffering after the break-up, but I've got my free weekends (weekends when my son is with his dad) planned well in advance.
I found out about a single's group in my area by checking out craigslist.org (you might check it out for your area). And, I'm going on two hiking trips this month with that group. On the weekends I have my son, we're planning other activities that he likes to do. Right now, my heart isn't into having fun. I'm just going through the motions, but I figure one day these activities will seem fun and I will be over my ex boyfriend.
Best wishes.
I'm sorry you ended things but from what I remember of your situation, it sounds like it was a good decision.
The best advice I can give you is to get busy. When you start missing him or as you say "the relationship that could have been", remind yourself why the relationship wasn't. And remind yourself you deserve the whole package. Because you really do.
Don't be afraid to vent here when you're feeling upset. We've all been there. If nothing else, we can listen.
Hugs
Tara
The best advice I can give is to assure you that you have to realize you are grieving for something that was in your head and not really there. And now that you are free you have a chance for what you really want and deserve. But I am sure you know that.
Okay - so what to do - stay on any routine of essentials you have now - for kids, job, house, food. But try not to overwhelm yourself with anything extra in the beginning - just take good care of yourself and pamper yourself. Then ease back into getting busier - clean the house, room by room - very good. Especially your closet. Make a scrapbook. Set exercise goals. Do fun things with your kids.
It will get better, I promise!! And then you are going to be glad you don't have him and his disappointments.
I always think the first few weeks are the hardest when getting out of a relationship. And no matter how much you know you're right to have ended it...it's still extremely difficult, because logic doesn't do much good in the beginning. All we really tend to dwell on are the feelings..the missing, the hurt, the fear of being alone again, the "what if's"...it's a crazy roller coaster of emotions. And you can only talk about it so much before you feel redundant and like a burden to everyone around you. The main thing I do to help me get through the first few weeks is journal. Every day I write to the person (the letters that never get sent) about how I feel. If I'm angry, sad, frustrated, whatever it is...I write these things in a letter to him as if I was really going to send it. It helps me put closure on the relationship. It helps me get out the emotions so I CAN MOVE ON. I also allow myself to feel. Some people tend to try so hard to stay busy, busy, busy, that they don't allow themselves to work through the healing. Take some time to yourself...go for aimless drives with relaxing music on, cry, yell...just allow time for YOU. Treat yourself to a massage. And think back to the time you were single before...what did you like to do? What interests you now? Find something you enjoy doing and do it. And especially, doing special activities with your children is a definite cure.
We're always here to vent to!!!!
Sending positive thoughts to you.
Hugs,
Shelley
On an side note, just make sure you don't get drunk one night and decide to pop it in the mail. ;)
Hugs
T
Remembering where I was a year ago or so, just before he resurfaced, when I'd decided "to hell with men - who needs them" and was ready "to adopt a bunch of kids and be like the crazy old lady that lived in a shoe", ready to have fun on my on my own (i.e. w/o a man), to "get kids from the State if not from Mr Right" (I'm a foster mother - of two now!), to go on hikes, to read a lot, to take care of myself, to do cultural stuff with the kids and on my own AND enjoy time on my own as well as with adult friends and of course with the kids...If I somehow manage all that, I'll be in great shape. Thanks for the reminder to at least look in that direction.
I see the last year of my life not as wasted, not even as something I "gave to him", but for my daughter, who got to have a good experience with a male figure for the first time in her life. It's the other side of the sad coin of her loss, for which I feel extremely guilty, but thinking of it that way, it was better than nothing! And the time has come to move on, because at least she did learn the lesson that "not all men are mean". Hopefully some day she'll get to have a father. But this one was not to be - reality is, he fell short. Can you tell I'm grieving for her too?
My son doesn't need him. He needs me. And I don't need him. I WANT him, want him desperately either (or as I put it earlie "the idea of him") but don't NEED him, and this has always been clear to me. I'll, we'll, be fine...given time and grief work...it's just that NOW is hard...but I know it'll pass.
The letter suggestion is great. I'm now off to start on that. Thanks again. You all rock!
at the time, in my haze, it seemed like a good idea. ;)
Tara